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Can things change?….

19 Feb

We’ve started to open up a little.  He says we’ve got a bond in blood and he wants to keep our family together.  He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me with all of his heart.  That I’m sexy, smart and amazing.

He knows I’m not happy and I want him to do more.  He sees that I’m sad, disconnected and stressed.  We discussed again that I need his help and not that I want him to do what he is unable to do but I want him to do what he can.  

 He keeps getting stuck on that I want him to work and don’t care about his injury.  I remind him I just want him to contribute. Whether he can find a job that can suit his physical limitations, get disability, start an E-bay store or find a work at home prospect anything that shows he is trying will help.  I remind him that I’m ticked off more because even before he was injured he wouldn’t look for a night job as his unemployment ran out.

We started talking about how he makes me feel.  That when I leave the house at night that I need to be in frequent contact with him.  He tells me how do I know you’re not whoring arround.  Sticky question for me now, right?  I tell him that all these years I’ve been faithful that shouldn’t that earn me the freedom not to have to talk to him every hour. I don’t ask that from him.  This opened the door for him to bring up my youth.  Telling me that I whored arround with 60 men before I was 17 and that I fucked a guy I knew for a week after we broke up.  Both of which were wrong (I had just wrote a bit about it in this post).  It also made me think of another post I need to write but I’ll save that for another time.

We got past that and went into name calling.  Recently at a dinner where well he was being less than desirable dinner company he complained that he is always the last person eating.  He has said a couple of things about himself in the recent past that he has a small mouth and a large gut, not both in the same sentence but he has said it.  So, my smart ass said he’s the last one to finish his meal it might be because of his small mouth and large gut he was terribly offended. Looking back I understand and feel bad about it (I’m far from perfect).  So we were talking about how he was calling me a cunt and fucking bitch when he was yelling at me the other day and he compared it to when I said the small mouth large gut thing.  It took a good 15 minutes to help him understand the difference between using words that have no other purpose than to hurt some one than using something that is off color but could be taken in stride since it’s something you’ve said about yourself.  Again I apologised and said it was wrong of me to have said what I said.  I think he said he was sorry too, he said he just gets so angry and that is the only way he can express himself.

Then he went into how the young me would be very disappointed in the current me.  To which I had to disagree. I’ve always been ambitious and resourceful.  If you think about the young me, doing drugs, stealing cars and stuff, working in the mall, my plan for the future was to rob a few banks and move to Canada, then yes the old me would be like, “Why are you working for the man and there is way too little sex, drugs and rock and roll going on here.”.  I told him I’m proud of myself and I wish you would be too.  He tells me there is nothing he would change. He is so happy to have the boys.  I ask are you proud of yourself and he goes, “Yes, I’m not a crack head, I’ve never been locked up, I’m not homeless, I don’t beat you or the kids we have our own house and great boys.”  Good lord he has succeeded because he’s not a crack head.  I guess I should have seen this coming but when you’re aspirations are to rob banks and move to Canada (pronounced by us as Can-a-Duh-Duh-Duh) not being homeless or in jail is pretty awesome.

The people from pain management had him see a counselor.  Where he told them that his injury and pain was effecting our relationship.  The big box healthcare provided offered him meds which he declined since he takes maybe 10 or so different kinds of medication a day he didn’t want to risk a bad chemical reaction.  He told me how miserable he is.  How he has thought of killing himself though he would never do it.  That the words I said to him ring in his ears, how I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine a life without him and that he doesn’t do it for me any more. 

I was as encouraging as I could be.  We talked about going to counseling.  He wants to try to do better.  I remind him that I don’t expect it to all happen at once but I need to see that he’s trying.  That he cares about making things better together and he’s nice to me and the boys.  Now I need to find a counselor that I can afford and line up child care for when we go.

Treading water…..

1 Feb

I’m sad to say I still have not gotten to have a decent talk with my fiancé.  We had started one about a week ago.  We were both in the garage and I told him how stressed out I am handling it all and to my standards doing poorly.  I gave him some examples of how he could help that would be low impact due to his health problems.  He seemed open to it, he told me he loves me and wants to do the right things for me and our family.  I then felt like I had left my little ones alone too long and ran inside and started playing with them and that was it. 

That night I didn’t want to rock the boat I thought about talking but was happy to have the kids in bed and peace in the house and just let the sleeping dog lie, so to speak.  It’s always on my mind and I always find a way to dodge it, always finding a way not to rock the boat or avoid him.  I’m disappointed in myself. 

He is going to his first pain management class tonight.  His doctor has taken his prescription down to weekly instead of filling a whole months worth of pills.  They are monitoring him and want to get him off the narcotics but he still says he’s in a lot of pain.  I don’t know what to think.  I was told recently that long term use of pain killers can cause ghost pains.  The body’s way of asking to be fed more narcotics, maybe that’s what he’s got going on there’s no way for me to tell.  I still lean on the fact that when he’s out of pills he doesn’t seek them like I’ve seen addicts do. 

Maybe I’ll get something done this weekend, I have some good ideas of what to talk about from the audio book.  I’m still searching for a therapist and getting antsy whether I should try couples right away or try to go on my own a few times and then go into couples work.  Still just treading water.

Therapy attempt….

28 Jan

I went to my therapy session at my Big Box insurance provider.  They scheduled me for a hour for intake and an hour session.  When I was directed to a room with a bunch of other women all filling out the same packet I had in my hand. I knew this wasn’t where I needed to be.  A Doctor came into the room and let us know she would be giving us a 40 minute “infomercial”  (yes that is her exact wording) of the services they offer.  Basicly saying unless you’re in need of meds and constant monitoring you might benefit from a few of the classes they offer.  They also offered a list of non-covered therapists in the area that we might go to but it would not be covered by their insurance. 

Of course I listened and took some mental notes.  Some of the classes might be beneficial but I really was hoping to talk to someone more than once and one on one.  When I sat down with the therapist I was assigned to she was very nice and said that she could possibly refer me to the drug abuse portion of their program due to my fiance constant pain and pain killer use.  My colorful past and the fact I still smoke, drink and occasionally “party” she didn’t think was a problem for me but did think my life issues may be effected by it.  Such as my tough time forming friendships that didn’t revolve around partying and my…gasp…co-depedancy!  I’m sure this could have been seen coming. 

What is a girl to do?  The book that F#@* Knows hooked me up with is giving me lots of good things to think about but I still feel torn.  Things point to good things point to bad.  One chapter asked what my bottom line is, I couldn’t think of anything other than horrible things that no sane person would tolerate.  I guess since we’ve been so dysfunctional for so long and he’s not a horrible monster it’s hard to draw a line.  Oh well, I’ll keep reading and look into my company’s mental health resources to find something that will apply to my situation.

Looking for answers everywhere…..

23 Jan

I’m all over the place again. My fiancé still is in terrible pain and feels sick often. He feels isolated and unloved. It makes me think of a blog entry I’ve read from MysteryCoach Doctors ~ Medications ~ Surprise Ending. She explains how you’re emotions can make you physically ill and I’m starting to wonder if our situation is effecting his physical health. He has a slew of doctors appointments and is starting in a pain management group as mandated by the pain specialist he is starting to see.

I’ve been listening to the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay (thank you F#@*knows)and it’s got me spinning some more.  So many maybes and questions if I’m expecting too much or passing harsh judgement.  Throw in his physical ailments and there is just so many variables.  The book talks a lot about people getting overwhelmed with the amount of things you have to weigh to make a decision to stay or leave.  I’m glad it’s walking me through but I worry I’ll end the book with the same ambivalence that I started with.  Either way it’s information that is helpful and giving me a new unbiased perspective.

Over the weekend he caught me looking at the responses on my blog.  I clicked out and told a sloppy lie.  After some time I told him I was contacting relationship advice web sites to see what to do about our situation.  It opened the door to talk a little about what we can do.  He doesn’t see why I’m so frustrated and sees me as a equal part of the problem.  He got a little irritated saying there is only one side of the story being put out to these advice people and maybe we should try couples counseling again.  I think we will have to do that.  I will get someone in my family to commit to watching the boys and we will have to try to talk things out together.

Things are coming together to look at this crazy situation from all angles maybe I can get my head on straight and finally commit one way or the other.  Jumping in with both feet and feeling good about trying to make things work or break things off.  I know for sure we both can’t keep living this way.

Luke warm…..

17 Jan

Things are up and down since my change of heart to try to work things out. My fiancé has been in a lot of pain, sick, I think, too. There is always something wrong with him it seems. His previous gusto on helping me out has petered out a bit but not so much that it’s horrible. He has been a bit harsh on the kids, but he seems to take notice of it and they have been especially challenging lately.

I feel warm towards him but not hot.  I have no urge to kiss him.  We’ve had relations but it was uninspired to say the least.  I have sexual desires just not for him.  I’m not sure what can be done to change it. 

My health provider has found a new date for my therapy appointment.  I hope it can help sort things out.  I have not found a place for couples therapy but maybe I’ll start with myself and then it can help me see what I need from the couples sessions. 

I did get some good news from Tom.  He met with a friend who lives close to the area that he and his wife will be visiting.  His friend offered for Tom to use him as an excuse to get away for a few hours.  This will give us our window to meet up.  Now I just need to figure out what to do with him or maybe just where to do it.

Big box doesn’t like little problems…..

7 Jan

Health insurance can be so aggravating!  I’m part of a big box health insurer and they don’t seem to have many resources for therapy. I just contacted their triage officer who asked me a few questions and started to get hung up on on the drug portion of my saga. The only drugs my fiancé is taking consistently is pain meds prescribed by the same big box healthcare provider that I’m on the phone with.

They say to me they will find me a therapist but, ” We’re really not a weekly session type place.”. They see people every three or two weeks depending on the patient and therapist. If I want to be seen more often I could join a group session with other people trying to work out their problems. I’m sure this is very helpful for some situations but for mine I’m thinking it’s really not what I need.

Now the triage officer’s got enough info he will direct me to someone one. He says, “Well I’m all booked up it might be up to three weeks untill I can get you someone to talk with unless….”Unless I go into a substance abuse type counseling then they could see me in a few days. 

To be fair they did ask me if I was feeling violent or suicidal.  Since I’m honestly not, I told the truth and got pushed to the not important waiting list.  They also asked if I was at risk of physical harm from my fiance, again I am not so to the back of the list I go.

I guess I’ll try the self help approach untill I can be seen. I follow A Blogger in Turmoil and in the comments the group has discussed a book that might help.  The book is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.  Now I just need to find a way to read it in secret.

Well maybe I am…..

6 Dec

Am I shallow or will more money help? I work in banking but I feel like my finances are out of control. I don’t feel like I have too many extras but maybe the cable TV has to go all together. Two smart phones, maybe that’s a little more than we should have. I’ve started putting my oldest son in a preschool type program and that is stretching me out, but I believe it’s important for him so I have to make room for it. When I try to figure out a budget I get dizzy. How much should I allot for food, gas, meds, household stuff. Now do I have anything left to save for home and auto repairs. Shit, I need a bigger more reliable vehicle but I can’t see how a car payment can fit into my life. How do others do it? What am I missing?

Mzklever recently posted that I should seek a good therapist for my emotional and mental needs maybe I also need to reach out to someone to help me make a plan to manage my bills. I work for a freaking bank you would think there would be someone that can help with that.

When I argue with my fiancé about money he tells me I’m shallow but when I have to worry about how can I afford tires, a roof, why are my floor boards curling (freaky right?), windows, rotten door frame, landscaping not to mention clothes that don’t look ragged, shoes without holes, a freaking vacation and now maybe a therapist….. is that shallow or is that building a decent life?

I have written down our financial situation and asked for his help. He’s more lost than I am. I have begged him to contribute and he has earned $20 here and $20 there fixing friends computers. He has also let himself take up smoking again after being only a social smoker for the last five years or so. I wonder if it’s the new meds. I know I like to smoke when I’m high. It’s pain relief but he’s got to be high.

I guess I need to consider getting some help from a few new souces this New Year.
1) Therapist
2) Financial planner

3) Your advice

OK ready set go…