Trying to frind my way….

4 Oct

I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.  On one had I can’t imagine life without my fiancé and on the other I can’t see a good life with him.  I am talking to Tom less and less.  I know I’ll never get to be with him.  It’s just something I got myself carried away with.  I’m still so excited to see him but I think I need to tell him I just can’t do it anymore.  It breaks my heart I really feel like we could make each other happy.  He is happy he doesn’t need me for that.  I’m the sad messed up one.  I started to think if my fiance leaves me because of this trip.  If I get caught there is no turning back.

When I think of being alone I get scared.  I really don’t have many friends.  I feel like the trashy person no one wants at their parties.  I don’t think that’s true but for some reason I get so insecure.  I see a long lonely life with the people who were once friendly acquaintances not wanting to see me because of what happened with me and my fiancé.  I get so self-conscious with new people.  I feel like I’ve been in this bubble for so long I don’t know how to operate without my fiancé.  I remember having this feeling of not belonging anywhere when my fiancé and I broke up 5 or 6 years ago.

I’m so torn.  What can I tell my fiancé?  How can I work on things?  He’s already so fragile.  He says how we’re in a loveless relationship,  how I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t know if I do or if I even can love him like I used to.  The worst part is I came back to him.  Throwing myself at him.  Telling him I was a bad girlfriend not enough sex and not doing enough around the house.  I made him cum every morning for I don’t know how long when we got back together back then.  He makes me feel safe and it feels like home with him.  It’s just everything else that is fucked up.  I don’t know if anyone would accept me like he does. I don’t know what would happen with the kids, the house, the dogs, my pay check and on and on…..

A while back I said to myself I just need to put my head down and work on myself.  I think that’s what I should do.  I need; to get into shape, a better routine around the house, a secondary source of income, a better vehicle, a more organized approach to leading my little crew at work, more time with my extended family and a circle of friends.  It’s a big list.  I know I can do it.  I just need to stop making problems for myself.  I just need to put my fiancé on the back burner and have a back bone when it comes to letting him know what I need to help run this household while we’re in it together.


8 Responses to “Trying to frind my way….”

  1. sexuallifeofawife October 5, 2011 at 11:07 am #

    Would you be thinking of leaving your Fiance if you were not having an affair?

    • terriblytorn13 October 5, 2011 at 11:36 am #

      I think yes. I’m so terribly unhappy with my situation and I feel like he is huge part of the problem.
      When Tom and I started talking he would bring things up about my relationship and I kept saying if I get caught and we break up it would probably be for the best.
      I want a partner that is more of well…..just that, a partner and I think it’s past the point where my Fiance can change.
      Everything is so diffrent with the family and the house. It didn’t matter as much when we were just having fun living in a cheap appartment with almost no responsiblity.

      • sexuallifeofawife October 5, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

        If your fiance found out about your affair would he break up with you? At the moment it seems as though he is very dependent on you etc…
        To see if there is any possibility of him being a partner – could you give him an ultimatum. Do more or thats it etc…
        Childcare wise could you manage without him at the moment?

        • terriblytorn13 October 5, 2011 at 2:34 pm #

          If he found out he would break up with me. Yes, he is very dependant; he has no income and no family anywhere close by.
          I for some reason have no backbone when we talk about these issues. He knows that I need more from him to support our household. An ultimatum is so hard because I don’t know where he would go. Last time we broke up I left to my Dads house. My Dad has since lost his house and lives in a small mobile home with my Uncle. I have not found any child care that I can afford and my family is all working now. I have a few friends that might work but I don’t know if I can pay them enough.
          I’m generally so optimistic, when I think of the future I like to think it will get better but after 15 years I should be able to see that probably won’t.

  2. Sam October 6, 2011 at 10:17 am #

    The right thing for anyone to do is generally the hardest thing to do. Can you see yourself with him in 10 years? Can you see yourself ever being happy? Seriously girl..

    • terriblytorn13 October 6, 2011 at 11:29 am #

      I know I can be happy I’m happy a lot. Dragging my fiance behind me is bringing me down. I can’t imagine family and holidays without him but I can’t imagine a comfortable balanced life with him. You’re right I think facing those hard realities is the only way to move forward. Now I just need to find the guts to start putting my foot down and making some changes

  3. The Hook October 9, 2011 at 11:25 am #

    I sincerely hope you can work al thi sout and move in with your life, young woman. You deserve some happiness, complication-free, that is!

    • terriblytorn13 October 9, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

      I think I’m starting to head in the right direction. Writing about it is helping. Insights from the comments posted and others blogs are inspiring me re-look at things from different perspectives.

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