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Getting to know each other in a whole new way….

4 Jul

When we got home from camping we went to my Mom’s house for a BBQ and some swimming.  We got home late and I got the kids down rather quickly.  Since our dogs had been cooped up that was the perfect excuse to get out of the house so I could call Tom.

We talked for two hours.  It was a lot.  He sounded so concerned and serious.  At times even nervous and on edge.  With all that I could hear the love in his voice too.  I voiced my concern about the seemly sudden change in him and asked him why.  Tom told me he had felt that way for a long time now.  That he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to influence my situation with my now ex-fiance. 

He let me know that his wife is a very good girl.  He loves her for it, but their love is turning into more of a friendship.  That he wants more in a marriage to be truly happy on all levels.  The thought of hurting her kills him but with me or without me he needs to move on. Spontaneity was one of the things he mentioned enjoying with me that he doesn’t have at home. He told me that since we’d met he and his wife had only made love two times.  I asked him if he’d talked to her about it? Can they work it out?   He was resolute in telling me that it is just her way and he doesn’t want her to change who she is to be what he needs.  My heart sank a little for the both of them but I do understand. 

We talked about getting to know each other.  He didn’t know my middle name and I had forgotten his.  Both of us intend to find the right person to spend the rest of our lives with and we needed to be sure before any big steps were taken.  Now don’t get all excited that we are running away together next week.  We both have a lot on our plates.  His father lives with him and he won’t want to move.  He must finish caring for his Dad before he can consider moving to California.  I will have to get an arrangement set with my ex and honestly need to be a grown up on my own.  To come into my own before we decide to start a life together.  I do want to go on a few dates.  That may seem odd from what you’ve read about my love for Tom, but I feel like if I don’t explore the adult dating world I might have that what if in the back of my head if I didn’t at least see what it’s like.  He also would go on dates too. 

Our next few conversations would go like this.  I would read into his voice a seriousness and a certain amount of apprehension or concern that seemed very different to me.  I was worried and felt very bad that maybe reading all those 180 and posts in less than a week was tweaking his brain.  In those first few talks I almost felt he was sizing up the chances for us to work.  Looking for my definitive answer.  Worried that it could be a no.

  On my part I felt a strange urgency to give myself to him to let him know everything I could about me.  How I am from day to day.  What can I let him know to show my flaws or things that might rub him the wrong way?  How horrible my ex might be and how I’ll probably be financially stretched taking care of the boys with most likely no help from their father.  No amount of words can really let us know what it will be like living with the other person.  Our intention is to try to learn as much as possible until we can spend more time together.  Taking things one step at a time over the next few years to see if this is going to work in real life.

A new normal…….

16 Jan

At first I was hurt and feeling rejected by the fact Tom was texting me less.  Sometimes even bypassing my questions I’d texted to him.  Usaly nothing of importance just digital small talk but he had a strong hold on my heart and to be ignored sucked.  When we started talking we couldn’t get enough of each other the feelings felt mutual. 

I learned he had experience cheating. I would tell him how guilty I felt when I thought about how much this could hurt my fiancé.  He didn’t seem to have the same issues at all.  He told me how he could keep things separate and it didn’t bother him.  It seamed so strange to me, I didn’t think I’d ever feel that way. Time has passed and now things are separate for me too. A new normal.

Time is making it easier for me to define a place in my life for Tom.  Before it was a strong pull to be with him to bring him into my everyday life.  I think a few things worked together to get me over this.  He has said somethings that make me think that maybe he’s not the ideal partner I imagined him to be, nothing major just little things.  The lowered contact has also helped lessen the pull, I almost feel like he’s training me to accept this but that just might be in my head.  I’m refocusing on my home life.  It’s putting things back into perspective. 

I still love to talk to him.  I still can’t wait to see him.  I don’t have the heartache and the weepyness anymore.  I even worry that maybe I need to let him know that things are changing for me.  Sometimes I think I know what another person is feeling or thinking but I’ve been wrong more than once.  I wonder if he still thinks that if he asked I’d run to him ( I guess more like clear a spot for him to run to me ).  I don’t know if that would work now.  However I don’t think that is ever going to happen. 

I am moving forward with a new normal.  Tom is a good friend, a wonderful lover (when I get my hands on him).  I don’t wait for his every text checking my phone every few seconds.  I don’t send him a picture every day.  I don’t feel slighted when he doesn’t text me.  When we do talk it’s always wonderful.  When we touch it’s magic.  Sometimes when you get too much of a good thing it looses it’s magic, this might be the perfect way to keep the magic going.

Trying to frind my way….

4 Oct

I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.  On one had I can’t imagine life without my fiancé and on the other I can’t see a good life with him.  I am talking to Tom less and less.  I know I’ll never get to be with him.  It’s just something I got myself carried away with.  I’m still so excited to see him but I think I need to tell him I just can’t do it anymore.  It breaks my heart I really feel like we could make each other happy.  He is happy he doesn’t need me for that.  I’m the sad messed up one.  I started to think if my fiance leaves me because of this trip.  If I get caught there is no turning back.

When I think of being alone I get scared.  I really don’t have many friends.  I feel like the trashy person no one wants at their parties.  I don’t think that’s true but for some reason I get so insecure.  I see a long lonely life with the people who were once friendly acquaintances not wanting to see me because of what happened with me and my fiancé.  I get so self-conscious with new people.  I feel like I’ve been in this bubble for so long I don’t know how to operate without my fiancé.  I remember having this feeling of not belonging anywhere when my fiancé and I broke up 5 or 6 years ago.

I’m so torn.  What can I tell my fiancé?  How can I work on things?  He’s already so fragile.  He says how we’re in a loveless relationship,  how I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t know if I do or if I even can love him like I used to.  The worst part is I came back to him.  Throwing myself at him.  Telling him I was a bad girlfriend not enough sex and not doing enough around the house.  I made him cum every morning for I don’t know how long when we got back together back then.  He makes me feel safe and it feels like home with him.  It’s just everything else that is fucked up.  I don’t know if anyone would accept me like he does. I don’t know what would happen with the kids, the house, the dogs, my pay check and on and on…..

A while back I said to myself I just need to put my head down and work on myself.  I think that’s what I should do.  I need; to get into shape, a better routine around the house, a secondary source of income, a better vehicle, a more organized approach to leading my little crew at work, more time with my extended family and a circle of friends.  It’s a big list.  I know I can do it.  I just need to stop making problems for myself.  I just need to put my fiancé on the back burner and have a back bone when it comes to letting him know what I need to help run this household while we’re in it together.

Graceland and weddings….

9 Sep

My co-worker/friend just caught me.  She’s been saying my fiance and I should get married that it might help with our problems.  I was joking around saying I almost got married at Graceland, not the Graceland but a shop by that name in a city I recently visited.  Just for background my fiancé and I have said since we’ve been together so long there will be no white wedding we’ll just go to Vegas and get married by Elvis.  Tom had said we should run away to Graceland and get married (weird huh?  He didnt know about the Vegas/Elvis thing before he said it).  So, after I said I almost got married at Graceland she said with who?  I stuttered and she said I knew it!  She busted me out about my trip to meet Tom.  I had told my co-workers I was going on a trip with my Step-Sister and didnt want my fiancé to know because he would not alow me to go.  She busted me out right at the end of the day.  I so wanted to tell her all about it, but I don’t think she cares to hear.  We’re friends, known each other for over 10 years now.  She’s partied with us and gone to concerts.  She knows my fiancé well.  She knows he’s a burden but she also knows he’s not the worst guy ever.  When I talk about Tom she ask the questions I have not asked pressed him on yet:  Why is he doing this to his wife?  How is their relationship?  Why aren’t they having sex much?  Will he ever want to leave her for me?  If he’s fooling arround with other girls now won’t he do the same to you?  That one is one I couldn’t bring myself to tell her.  She doesn’t know I like girls too.  I feel the need to be as professional as possible at work.  I feel lucky to have this job.  I don’t want to get passed up on promotions because I’m kind of a freak.  So many secrets!

Rambeling about myself…..

14 Aug

In a nut shell my situation is this.  I’m with my fiancé who I’ve been together with for 15 years now.  We have been together since high school.  We have two kids under the age of 5, two dogs, a house and two cars.  Kinda like the American dream right?  Well that’s the short version.  I feel the need to give the long version now. 

We are both high school drop-outs.  I some have a great job even though I’m quite the fuck up.  I’ve smoked weed well over half of my time on this earth.  I got my job at before they started drug testing.  I enjoy using a variety of tamer drugs for recreation when the time is right.  Before my kids I used to trip about once a month.  Do E about every so often and do blow well probably 4-5 nights a week.  Don’t even ask about the drinking.  Even with all this I always showed up to work and performed.  I have a grow room all my own.  When it’s working I stay up late caring for my ladies and playing chemist with all the supplements that a hydro system needs.  I listen to metal, psychobilly, reggae and rock.  I’m just starting to get into punk.  I love to go to shows and even though I’m too old for this shit I love to bounce around in a mosh pit.  Now instead of a Slayer pit I stick to the more tame ones.  Even though I have two little kids I still like to have a good time, but I will not let my wants get in the way of caring for them and protecting them.  I have scaled back my partying a ton.  In fact now it’s probably 2 – 3 nights a year that I get crazy and that’s only when the kids are safely staying with a family member.  I’m learning how to live a “normal” life.  My co-workers mostly don’t know about my tendency to party.  They for sure don’t know I’m bi.  I feel like I have to keep so much of my self separate from parts of my life.  My work has social events some times you bring your spouse.  I have trouble bringing my fiancé because of all the stuff he cannot talk about.  Plus with no career or job he kinda doesn’t fit in.  I think sometimes like I’m an undercover freak.

Now I’ve got a new secret in my life Tom.  He doesn’t do drugs or smoke.  He has a job.  He was in the military for 10 years.  He does like to go to shows and he loves me.  I think he is the closest to a normal person who loves me ever.  I broke up with my fiancé once and I started dating a chef who was also a large-scale grower close to normal but not so much.  He had 10lbs of weed in his back room and half a pound of psychedelic mushrooms and the underside of his deck was double grow room.  Now I have a guy who is interested in me that would match up with how normal my life has become.  I could take him with me to the normal events and I wouldn’t have to remind him of what not to talk about.  I’ve told him about as much of my life as he would listen too.  I’d feel comfortable telling him anything he wants to know.  He says he’d be OK if I still chose to do drugs for fun.  He’s OK with me liking women ( guess what guy wouldn’t be).  He even said he would be OK letting me fuck another guy if it made me happy.  I love the way I feel when I’m talking to him.  When I’m with him.  He lives 700 miles from me.  He is married, they have a house, two dogs and two cars and a person they take care of.  We’ve only been in the same place a total of 6 days.  3 of those days were only a few hours.  I am so drawn to him.  When we talk about sex I’m so turned on by him.  When we talk about everyday stuff I want to be there.  When we talk about meeting I’m ready to run to him.  Still I don’t know where this will lead.  My heart is getting way to wrapped up in this and I’m starting to lose it.  My life was already complicated but now it’s dizzying. 

Some times I wonder why don’t I just say good-bye to both of them.  One doesn’t help me much and sometimes drags me down.  The other is, well, unavailable.  Then I think who would know me and love me.  I need a decent person to be with me and my kids and what decent person would like me with my crazy ways.  Maybe I’m over thinking this but it keeps coming back arround in my head.  I think I’ll do what I’ve always done.  Look forward, work hard and keep being me.

I wasn’t looking but I got found……

23 Jul

So, work is still going really good. I’ve been having fun. My fiancé being mean to me is really bumming me out. We have always partied our whole time together. Before we met he knew I was always into going on adventures meeting new people and having a great time. So tonight Tom has told me about a crazy punk show at the first bar I visited. I’m tossing arround going. I wander arround downtown and check out some art, taste some wine have some food all by my lonesome. It’s getting later and I’m not sure if I’m gonna go to the show. My co-worker has flaked on me. All the nasty things my fiancé said to me floating arround in my head.

I decide what the fuck and text Tom asking if they are at the show. They are so I head down that way. I still have my work cloths on. I work in a professional setting, so I’m dressed kinda nice, surely too nice for a punk show. At the bard the band from Monday is hanging out with my new friend Tom. I grab a beer and sit down. We chat it up, we all talk about our kids, music, shows, travel and I can’t remember what else. I buy a round or two for the group. When the headline act comes on we move to the front of room up by the stage. I’m getting  a buzz on. The band is fucking awesome! There is a little mosh pit going on and I have to jump in here and there. Tom is hanging with me buying me a few beers, I’ve bought him a few too so it’s kinda even. He is up a round of tater tots. He jumps through the pit a few times. Now I should say he is handsome but not really my type. I’m a voluptuous woman, well-built but definitely built strong. He’s of average size a bit taller than me but not much. He is so nice, he’s got an accent that I love, beautiful eyes and a great smile. When it was closing time he offered to drive me home, his buddy rode with us too. We dropped him off first, I gave him a hug and thanked him for hanging out with a stranger from out-of-town.

 Tom and I drove back to the hotel. We talked about camping, this awesome hot spring he found, hiking, music and I felt so comfortable with him. I gave him a hug and was going to head to my room alone even though I didn’t want the night, or my trip to end. I’m not sure how exactly he asked but he asked me if he could come up to cuddle. I reminded him I have a fiance and two kids.  I’m not looking to fool arround and for some reason I had him come up with me.

I went to the bathroom and took off my work cloths, put on some comfy pants and a t-shirt with no bra. We sat on the bed together and we did start hugging. We laid down and pressed against each other some more, his embrace felt so good. I can’t remember what we talked about. What happened next is what I cannot forget and couldn’t stop thinking about for weeks even months. We started to kiss, sweet soft kisses that turned more and more passionate. He moved from beside me to on top of me. He is such a great kisser. He started caressing my breasts. I put myself on top of him and started kissing and rubbing on him. I had not felt such passion inside of me for so long. My whole body was alive and hungry for him. I bit his neck, he stopped me and asked that I leave no marks. I asked why he showed me his ring, he is married. I’ve never been with a married man but I had no desire to stop. He put himself back on top of me and kissed me some more. He slid his hands down my pants and played with me, I was so wet for him. He drove me crazy but still I was not ready to have sex with someone else. He promised he would not push to go that far. He made me feel so good with his fingers that when he pulled my pants down and went down on me I couldn’t say no. It felt so good, he was amazing. He went back up and we kept kissing. In a moment of weakness I put my hand down his pants but withdrew quickly I didn’t want to press my luck with his commitment to not try to have sex with me.

Before we realized it 4am came arround. We were both sleepy and he could not sleep with me. He had to go home to his wife. I walked him to the door in just a t-shirt. He asked for a picture of my boobs. I told him no. He was OK with it and we kissed. I told him if I could I would stop by his work before I got on my plane tomorrow ( it was really today). We kissed and he was gone. I was so hot and bothered I finished the job myself and went to sleep.