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Sex, sex, sex…..

19 Feb

He told me that he couldn’t trust me because I whored around as a teenager.  You know that right now, he would be right.  However he’s always acted this way and in 15 years this is the first year I have been unfaithful and no I didn’t tell him that, but I remind him of the many years I have been faithful to him. I tried to bend the words perfectly so I would lie as little as possible. 

He told me that because of my Daddy issues that I sought out attention from men.  That my parents divorce and being neglected by my Mother who was too focused on dating my now Step Dad let me run amuck.  The Mom thing might be true but my Dad wanted to be arround me often.  He coached my softball team on two occasions and I was against it.  I was able to bite my tongue because him giving me the old family therapy bothers me due to how completely dysfunctional his family is, but lets get back to the point.

He told me that my sexual lessons were to have attention and fill a void.  I don’t think so.  I would liken it more to drug use.  I had sex because it felt good.  I didn’t seek out lovers that would pay attention to me.  I had some lovers that would just knock on my window in the night we’d go fuck and then I’d go back home and I would not pursue any other relationship than that, just sex.  The guy I was thinking about was such a great fuck.  He’d have me cumming over and over.  But I didn’t want the attention I liked the way I felt while I was making out, cumming and fucking.

I had ground rules. No blow jobs and nothing in the back door. My first real blow job was with my fiancé.  I had tried once very poorly with a neighbor but it only lasted a minute and only done based on my curiosity and I didn’t like it.  It didn’t give me the same feeling that making out or fucking did.

My fiancé used to do speed before we met.  I wanted to try to parallel his choice of being a tweeker to my choice of being a slut.  He did it because it gave him something to do he liked the way it felt.  I fucked and made out with people for the same reasons.

Once I got that first spark of attraction I would pursue that feeling.  Kissing and touching making me tingle, making me wet.  I can’t ever remember thinking to my self, “If I just let him fuck me he’d like me.”.  What I do remember is it was about me.  Me being horny, me getting off.  Never using lube cumming pretty much every time I fucked.  Some times over and over. 

There were times where I wanted more attention but I’d not say I used sex to try to get it.  I do remember when I was young I had a little thing going with a singer in a band.  I remember he was kinda weird hanging out with me hanging out with his friends.  One day he just stopped calling me back.  I remember waiting for him in the bar in the same mall where I worked. Waiting for him to pick me up and he never came.  Now I think I might just know what part of the problem was.  I was 15 and he was 23.

I have not gotten to tell my fiance my opinions about my sexual past yet.  He really has the mindset that sex is special and you should have a deep emotional connection.  Unless we were fucking that one chick then it didn’t seem to matter too much to him.  Oh I’m confused and a bit off topic, but I think I got my point out there.