Archive | wants me RSS feed for this section

Still torn….

20 Feb

Yesterday Tom texted me that he was riding his bike to work to get in better shape for our summer vacation.  I hoped he ment me and him but since we had nothing planned yet I wondered if it was a vacation he and his wife were taking together.  When he got done with his little five mile ride he called me out of breath.  After we talked for a little bit I asked if it was a vacation for him and I.  Of course it was.  He said he was all sweaty and cold and needed to get cleaned up to go into work.  It was 33 degrees and sprinkling.  I think that’s so hot and I told him so. 

I’m counting down.  Ten days until my lover will be in my neck of the woods.  With his wife and her sister and maybe her brother will be with him.  He still doesn’t have a plan to break away.  I have two days off and I don’t know which one I will need to use to drive to the city to meet him for an hour or two or more?  I’m tempted to pay for the ladies to get mani-pettis so I can steal a bit of his time. 

I know I’ve said it before but the lowred contact makes me wonder if he still has the same feelings for me.  Then he’ll get on the phone with me and tell me how amazing I am and how he wants to hold me.  He left me the cutest voice mail message saying he wanted to get behind me and squeeze my titties while he fucked me.  I still have it saved for a rainy day, listening to it always makes me smile.  He sent me a picture of his cock recently and my responce was it makes me want him to shove it inside of me.  It always amazes me that my doubt is erased by contact with him.  He really makes me melt.

Sexuality rant….

2 Feb

Sometimes I wonder if society’s mores have stifled me as a sexually charged person.  The have forced part of me to exist in the shadows and made me inclined to feel ashamed of what I enjoy doing.  I think back and the curvey body I developed early had my class mates being demeaning to me early on.  Though I had had one kiss and one “boyfriend” by 7th grade I was called a whore and a slut.  There was no way for them to know but I’d already started coming in to my sexuality looking at Playboys and Hustler mags at the family’s home where I babysat after the children had gone to sleep.  Masturbating with the shower massager at home when no one was around. 

When I chose a less than romantic way to be deflowerd it didn’t seem to me like such a big deal.  I already had a reputation.  A few more encounters and I was able to find extreme pleasure being with another person.  Even though sex was a regular part of my life I didn’t talk about it with anyone, anyone at all. I guess I should say outside of the people at the womans clinic.  I went often to get checked and to get birth control.  My mother never knew. 

My fiancé and I met in school.  We had been together a whole year before I chose to pursue him.  I was falling out of lust with a 25 year old man I was seeing at the time I was 17. I got my future finances attention by inviting him to cut school and smoke weed.  We waited an entire week before making love.  I surprised him, I don’t remember how it started but I do remember pinning him down and riding him until I came.  He hadn’t been with someone so forward with their own pleasure before. 

After being together for a while he found my vibrator I had bought it when I was 15.  I walked down to the Adult Book store on the outskirts of town and bought it cash.  I was so embarrassed when he found it.  Again why should someone be shy about fulfilling their sexual needs?  Not to long after he found my diary.  It had accounts of my adventures sexual and otherwise.  The back the the list of all the 100 boys and men I’d kissed and the 30 I’d fucked.  He destroyed it while I was in the shower.  He was very unhappy that I had such a past.  I was very upset, to this day I’m upset about him destroying my memories bad or good they were mine and I wrote them for a reason.

I for a long time felt un-loveable.  That only the good girls deserved real love that I had to take what I could get.  Keeping my secrets to feel a little more normal.  When my future fiancé told me how disappointed he was, that I was a whore and the people I chose to sleep with were disgusting.  I took it hard.  Sure they weren’t the best of the best but I had found beauty in them and I enjoyed myself with them.  We moved forward but it still is something he will throw in my face when it suits him.  I’m just a whore.  A whore who was faithful to him always, until now.  My question to him is how dirty are you to stay with someone you think of like that.

Would it all have gone differently if someone had told me wanting to have sex is normal and to choose wisely and be discreet but not ashamed? Was I destined to be different? Am I different or is everyone else hung up because that is what the group chooses is right for everyone?  When I tell any one about this that has young girls they are shocked.  Better to find out early and help than have to clean up later right?  I’m reading so many blogs that are exploring sexuality in many diffrent ways.  Thank you to all of you for putting your pleasure out there.

If I could just have….

16 Nov

I’ve been thinking about what I’m missing in a partner.  What would my ideal relationship look like?  Mostly it comes back to someone genuinely caring about my happiness.  Sometimes I do feel like my fiance cares about my happiness but it seems to come with an alterior motive. 

 I really want someone who can take initiative.  I don’t want to have to tell someone what to do all the time.  Right now if I put laundry in the washing machine before work it’s still in there when I get home even though I know he’s been in the garage several times to smoke.  Why can’t he just move the wet laundry to the drier. Why!?!?  If I’m voicing concerns about our finances ask questions, try to be part of the solution.  If the house needs repairs or organizing go for it! 

This might be ridiculous but it’s something I think about when we fight.  I want someone who wants to win my favor.  Who wants to see me smile.  Even if they are right and I’m wrong they think I’m worth compromising for.  I think to all the romantic comedies that I’ve seen and I want a piece of that.  You know, the even thought she ran off with another man he is chasing her with roses or poems or what ever because she is the one. 

I think if I had to do over agin I would look for someone with a can do attitude.  Some one that even in the face of adversity presses forward and looks for ways to overcome whatever is the trouble at the time.  I think that is someone I can build a future with.  Right now if feels like I’m just trying to survive untill the next day. 

I’m sure there is a ton of other stuff I can add to this list but since I have to write in secret I don’t have much time to create my posts.

Tango without touching….

25 Sep

I saw my love today! On video chat with our phones. It was so nice to see his smile. After a bit of technical blundering on my part, I had wired my PC wrong so we had to use an inferior program on our smart phones. We were both low on charge so each of us had a wire tethering our phones. We had planned this because we are rarely lucky enough to be alone at home at the same time. I made quick call to let Tom know our Skype plans had been downgraded to Tango. When he appeared he was already naked in bed. I still had my bra and skirt on we smiled at each other for a bit. It’s nice to see him so happy staring back at me. He gave me a quick shot of his cock. He was already hard. I gave him a little show squeezing my boobs making my cleavage pop. Running my hand my down my neck and on to my breasts, rubbing the soft flesh. He’s telling me how amazing my boobs are as I’m taking off my bra. I hide my nipples behind my hand making him wait a bit longer for a good look. He gives me a shot of his stong hand stroking his cock. I tell him how much I want to take him into my mouth as my hand slides a way from my breasts and my finger slides between my lips. I give it a little bite and flash a naughty smile. I play with my breast as I reposition myself so I can slide my panties off. Laying naked on my back legs falling open I run my right hand down my body. The camera looking down from my viewpoint. I rub myself just a little. I slide my finger inside of my wet pussy and then bring it back up to my mouth sucking off my juices. He tells me he’s jealous and can’t wait to taste me again. He’s stroking his hard on faster. I squeeze my bare beast again.  They are more than a handful, my soft flesh busting out of my gripping fingers.  I bring the camera down between my legs and give him a quick look as I pass my hand over my shaved pussy.  I press my hand against the warm flesh teasing him, making him wait for the view he wants.  I run my finger through my lips to part them and then follow them up to my clit and give it a rub as he stares into my wetness.  He gets this great intense look on his face.  He tells me how perfect my pussy is.  I spread my lips and give him a great view of the bright pink flesh inside of me.  I penetrate myself with my middle finger.  I can hear the excitement as he tells me he can’t wait to be inside of me again.  He’s stroking his cock hard now.  I can tell he’s close to cumming.  I pull out the blue vibrator he picked out for me and lick it.  Then I take it farther into my mouth.  I press it on my clit and rub it up and down my lips before entering.  I am so hot for him.  Having that cock in me feels so good.  I tell him how I wish it was his warm flesh inside of my body.  I work the vibrator in and out.  Rubbing my clit.  I see his head pitch back and hear his breath change.  I know he’s about to cum.  Now I’m the one staring into the camera waiting for him to cum.  I continue to give him a show while he works over his beautiful cock.  I feel so excited when he starts to cum.  Triumphant, like I’ve won the prize. Mesmerized by his pleasure and his juices.  As he cleans up I finish up.  We go back to staring at each other.  I’ve wrapped my self around a pillow and he’s telling me he wishes he could be holding me.  I long to feel my flesh pressed against his.  He tells me he loves me.  It always gives me the chills when I can see him when he says it.  I hear something in my kitchen.  I tell him I have to run.

Way too much info, a long story made as short as possible…..

14 Sep

I think after all my blatherings you might be curious about how this came to be.  I feel like my problems now are due to my life of borderline dysfunction.  I know it could all be worse.  As I cry to my self thinking how could I have committed my family to this fate I think back on how I got here.

I was a wild kid, smoking and drinking by the age of 11.  I lost my virginity on a bet.  The bet wasn’t to me but to a kid who had a nice body and hair but not so much in the face.  All the boys called me a whore anyway so why not like have sex.  I told him I would do it if I got half the money and I did.  I was 12.  I ran around with the “bad” kids in the neighborhood.  Pulling runners for booze and selling and smoking weed.  By 13 I had done Acid and Shrooms for the first time.  I met boys and kissed them and the ones that got me hot I fucked. 

 My best friend at about 15 was this guy he was really tall but not good-looking.  He was very spiritual and thoughtful.  He had already gone through AA and told me that the age you start doing drugs is the age you get stuck at emotionally.  I kinda thought of him as my sage.  I really looked up to him.  Eventually he became my boyfriend.  I slept at his house one night, he lived in a room in the garage of his Moms house.  I tried to have sex with him and he wouldn’t saying he wanted it to be special that now was not the right time.  We ended up breaking up because he caught me kissing another guy.  He became a pro frisbee freestyler who owns a dental lab and takes time off to travel the world. 

My Mom tried to keep me close so I was not allowed to go with the good kids who were well off enough to go to vacation homes and sking for the weekend  so all my normal friends stopped talking to me.  I was just hanging out with the other kids who stole cars, did drugs and stayed out all night. 

By 17 I’d slept with 30 guys and kissed 100.  I kept it in my diary.  By 15 I was doing speed on occasion and Xtacy.  I think what kept me from really going off the deep end and getting stuck forever was I played tournament soft ball on a team that traveled since I was 12.  I loved the traveling and independence that came with being on the road.  I also worked at a store in the mall since I was 14.  I could party all I wanted but practice, games and work were important to me.  I had to be available to work.  Sometimes I worked when I was high but I made work a priority.  School was not a priority, it was a good place to meet up with friends and get drugs.

  I got myself kicked out of school at 16 and the continuation school I went to so I could keep my work permit is where I met my Fiance.  The first year I was there we didn’t talk much.  I had a boyfriend that was 28 and I was 16.  He was a couch hopping tweaker who hung out with the Hell’s Angels.  Thinking back he might have been older and was lying to me.  We broke up.  Then I started dating a 23-year-old cook that lived with his mother his sister sold weed at my old school.  He started to gross me out.  We broke up but not before he had me do a run for him.  I drove up to his tribes reservation and drove back with 3 pounds of weed in my 1965 Mustang.  All I got out of the deal was a Marlboro box full of weed.  So here I am, my Mom always pissed at me for running arround and doing drugs.  Dating and fucking deadbeats.  Everyone thinks I’m a fuck up, I’m skating by at work and soft ball.  My parents were sick of my shit.  

I decided I wanted to start hanging out with my future Fiance.  I lured him with weed.  We hung out often.  He worked at the same mall so we took lunch together often.  He was really close with his Mom and his 3 younger sisters.  His Dad had kicked him out of the house so he was renting a room, working and going to school.  He had no car so he was taking the bus to work and school.  I thought he has things together pretty well here.  He urged me to be better to my Mom.  He didn’t tolerate speed and was always very nice to me.  He did improve my relationship with my family.  After a year of dating his landlord kicked him out.  He slept on the couch at my Moms house for 3 months and we moved out together.  Shortly after his not paying half of the bills started to be a problem.  He kept me away from my friends.  We had a lot of fun.  We had parties all the time.  After a while we just blended together.  Our friends were the guys.  Being a hard partying chick I was one of the guys.  Concerts, camping, house partys and festivals.  We were baked all the time getting fucked up almost every night.  I got my current job about 11 years ago.  We’d party untill early in the morning I’d try to get at least 2 hours to shut my eyes before going to work.  There were nights where I would go lay down and wake up to the party still going on as I was leaving for the office.  Our best buddy was a coke dealer so we’d have piles of blow, we’d drink and get high all night.  Finally it caught up with me, the same thing over and over.  The partys were never classy we were seeing some people who were really strung out some times.  My fiancé was getting mean often.  One day I told him he needed to get it together or I was leaving.  So I left. 

 I footed the bills for about 3 months.  I lived with my dad who had also gone through a break up.  I started loosing weight.  Saving money.  Not doing blow.  Drinking a lot.  I was going to a dive bar with my step-sister often.  I had kinda a crush on one of her friends.  He was a big boy, fat even but cute.  I tried my best to get him to make a move and he didn’t.  I met a dude one day at dinner with my Dad he was the chef where we were eating.  He was a high-grade large-scale grower.  We made fast friends.  I had intended to just be friends but my dreamy ways romanticize him.  He went to a lot of concerts, was an avid hiker and camper, rode a motorcycle, lived in a beautiful area on top of a mountain, he traveled often and of course grew great weed.  After seeing him for a few weeks he invited me to Hawaii.  He said he would pay for the tickets I just needed to pitch in for the house.  Him and 2 of his buddys were going to play a frisbee golf tournament that they attend yearly.  He asked me over and over and said even if we break up he would still want me to go, so I agreed.  He turned out to be boring.  He was good at oral but had trouble keeping it up.  The friends and events he said kept him busy weren’t there.  I missed being out partying.  I started to talk to my fiancé more.  I told him I was going to Hawaii and he was mad.  He needed me to bail out our buddy the coke dealer.  I gave him the $800 to get him out of the hole.  He then has his mom book him a flight home for the holidays.  The airline went under and they didn’t have the money to buy another ticket.  I footed the bill for that too.  I think January was when I went to Hawaii.  We were broken up by then I told him I didn’t love him.  I reminded him that this was just for fun and I was trouble.  He took it hard but held up his end.  We went to Hawaii and had a good time.  He slept on the floor.  One night we got fucked up and tried to fool arround and he couldn’t get it up.  Fuck that!  He was 41 he seamed healthy but I was not in for it.  I was maybe 28 at the time. 

I got back I saw my fiancé.  We talked.  Shortly after I got a DUI.  The DUI classes brought me close to his new apartment.  He worked across a field from me.  I gave him a ride some times (he still had no car).  He told me about the big houses and fancy partys he was going to.  All these new friends and made it sound like a great time.  His new place was better than anywhere we ever lived before.  It made me miss him.  I gave him a box of chocolates for Valentines day.  I got nothing.  He berated me for seeing this other guy.  He said I broke his heart.  Even though I left because he was a dead beat druggie that was often mean to me I started to fall back into a relationship with him.  Since my friends had been pushed away long ago I didn’t have my circle to hang with.  I was lonely felt like a looser.  Even my sisters fat friend didn’t want to fool arround with me.  We went to a concert together and cried about how cute our kids would have been when we got home loaded.  Before I knew it I was staying over all the time.  Partying like crazy and finally just moving in.  Before I knew it I was knocked up and we were looking for a house to buy.  He had a job, he promised he would help and I was sold.  That was 4 1/2 years ago.  He kept his job for about 6 months after I bought the home.  Hasn’t worked since.  He started partying without me since I was pregnant then a nursing Mother I would not party.  He started being mean, un helpful and having one medical issue after another.  I should have known better I blame myself for this mess.

Stick with me…..

13 Sep

I spoke with Tom last night and it felt so good. Our contact had been low and I was starting to doubt how true his love is for me. I had sent him a package. I got him a sticker at the Reverend show and forgot to give it to him. I couldn’t send just one item so I sent a Ratfink style hearse sticker, a bad luck girl sticker, some Lucky 13 socks and a couple of scratches. I put in a note that if he won he’d have to come to my state to cash them and he’d have to show me a good time. I didn’t tell him I was sending a package. I started to get nervous that I had crossed a line and he would be mad that I risked some one else finding out. To my relief he thought the package was sweet. I think that warmed him back up. When we talked that night he told me he still in shock that someone so far out of his league likes him so much. How funny it is that he’s not my usual type. I remind him how handsome he is. That he’s so charming and sweet,but still just the right amount of trouble. He turns me on to interesting music all the time. He takes spontaneous camping trips, skateboards and is good with his hands. I tell him I really do love him. He says he loves me too. We talk about how much trouble we’d be together. How thinking about our time in the city gets him hard. I want to have a threesome with him and sent him a video clip of what I’d love to do with him. I can hear the lust for me taking his breath away as he tells me how much it turns him on.  It’s getting late now and I have to get back home.  We tell each other I love you and good night.  That we’ll talk again tomorrow.

He gets me so turned on……

27 Jul

Tom and I have not gotten to talk as much since he went back home. What we have had has been short and under different circumstances than our usually conversations. Last night I went out for a night conversation like we to have almost religiously. We talked about some everyday stuff but when we started talking about sex I got that feeling. Like a shot of energy that shoots up from my pussy giving my whole body tingle. He said how much he wants to fuck me again. How he loved when I sucked his cock. I was sitting and got up to walk some more and the movement of walking was exciting me. I was so turned on I got weak in the knees. I’m getting wet now just thinking about the sound of his voice and the sexy things he says to me.

 Last night I knew he was jerking off thinking of me. I love that. I’m like his centerfold, so sweet and so hot. I however didn’t have the opportunity to pleasure myself untill the next morning. I woke up still thinking about him (I feel like I’m always thinking about him). I took the vibrator that he picked out for me and closed my eyes, imaging it was Tom inside of me and came. Then I used my hands and came again before dozing off for another 15 minutes or so. I took some pictures and sent them to him, knowing he was at work and he would have a hard on while on the sales floor. That turned me on more and I had to cum one more time before taking a shower. I don’t know when I can see him again but I want him so bad. The way he talked to me last night I know he wants me too.