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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

When I daydream……

2 Aug

Some times I daydream I think about how it would be to live with Tom.  How nice it would be to snuggle on the couch with him.  Exploring all the different beautiful places to hike and swim all around this area.  How I would have a lawn in my back yard and maybe Pergo floors like I’ve wanted for years.  I could be excited about the future again knowing I had someone who is willing to work as hard if not harder than I to get what they want.  I really think with someone like him around it would bring my “game” up a notch.  He has a boat and likes to be outside.  Our weekends would be full of adventures.  He likes a variety of music I think we would have fun going to different shows together.  He knows how to fix stuff, I think that is so sexy.  I would love to get greasy with him fixing up an old hot rod or motorcycle. 

Now all these wonderful things would make for a rosy life.  My only problem is I cannot see how my kids will fit in with Tom.  Maybe it’s to early or maybe it’s because it’s just not ment to be.  He has said before that he likes kids and kids like him but who wants to step in and start to live with another persons little kids.  So maybe it’s selfish of me to think about being with Tom.  Could my desires not be fair to my kids?  If it did work, if they clicked he would totally enrich their lives.  All those things I love about him would be great examples for them.  A dedicated hard-working loving husband is not something they see much of.  Don’t get me wrong my fiancé is affectionate sometimes but he doesn’t do much to contribute to the family.  They will not be learning work ethic from their Dad that’s for sure. 

All this makes me think of my Dad.  When I was really little he had jobs working in construction and in lumber yards.  I remember visiting his work and being impressed by the framed out houses and half built structures.  The large stack of wood and the huge forklifts, cranes and the heavy machines to fix the wood.  At home I remember him working on cars and building an elaborate fort for us.  Pouring concrete and fixing things.  Camping and fishing.  He was a man’s man before he lost his drive.  My kids won’t have those memories.  They will remember their Mom doing most of the work.  They hopefully wont remember the dirt patch that is my back yard but they might.  They will remember Dad spending time with them, playing guitar and cooking for them.  I hope they wont remember the names he calls me and how much we fight about me needing him helping out. 

Now with all this thought out maybe it would be better for Tom to be there, but would it be fair to Tom.  Maybe this is my wake up call.  Stop daydreaming, make the life you need your kids to have a reality yourself.  A strong Mom might be all those sweet little kids need to be strong adults.  If I have to tow along my fiancé, a glorified babysitter, then so be it.  I hope that one day Tom can be i my life and in my kids lives but maybe I’m just taking daydreaming too far.