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Holiday Hodgepodge…..

17 Dec

Ah the holidays, I love the spirit of the holidays.  I’ve got my house covered in lights and large inflatable holiday characters in my yard.  The tree has been up and I’ve started baking with a little help from my boys.  I want them to have a great Christmas and I think I can pull it off.  They are so excited.  My major regret with them is due to my hectic work schedule I have not gotten to take them to any tree lightnings or holiday events.  Maybe I can find something to cram in this coming week.

Things with my fiancé are miserable.  He’s weepy often and constantly sick or in pain.  His need for my affections has put me in a corner.  I blurted out that he doesn’t do it for me right now.  In the argument that followed he asked if I was just holding out to tell him to leave after the holidays.  I told him again that I can’t imagine a life without him but I can’t see a good life with him.  I let him know maybe he can change my mind but from here it doesn’t look so good.  I had just worked all night got a nap and went back to work so I was tired, sore and sick.  He saw how miserable I was and came to me while I was laying in bed with the boys watching Frosty the Snowman and gave me a rub down.  I felt guilty taking it was so nice. 

I found out this week I won’t get the new title that comes with a little raise.  My manager will give it another go but they don’t know why I didn’t make the list.  It might be a corporate thing. Who knows?  I was looking forward to a little relief, but oh well.  The boys had gotten colds that turned into ear infections and even with health insurance it cost a pretty penny.  My fiancé had to pick up five medications that cost even more than usual.  My car battery finally gave out.  On top of all that I have been fighting with my mortgage company for a while now about a payment they misapplied and now they’ve sent a foreclosure notice.  I’m not concerned that I’ll lose my home, we are no where close to that, however I can’t believe they would go to that extreme over this little issue.  I again am in contact with the bank to correct this but I know its going to be a battle and I’m not looking forward to the time it will suck out of my life. 

…….and then there’s Tom.  I miss him and wish he could hold me and tell me it will be OK.  I’m so wrapped up in everything that I’m loosing that closeness we used to have.  We talk mostly when he calls me at my office.  I can talk but I can’t be open and there are somethings I can’t say.  I’m starting to wonder what we have.  Some days I feel like he’s tired of me and some days he makes me feel so special that I feel silly that I’d even thought that.  Right now he feels like something I can never have.  A huge part of my pull towards him is what a good partner he would make and I can’t see us being together.  It muddies the waters for me.  I still lust for him, I still get butterflies when we talk but something is changing and I can’t put my finger on it yet.

I want to thank you all for reading and thank you for your comments.    Things are crazy and I’m short on time so I   probably won’t write untill the last few days of the month or maybe not untill 2012.  I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season.  Wishing the best to you and your families.