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What a Christmas….

28 Dec

What a whirlwind of holiday fun.  I had taken last week off my day job and was only working nights at the toy store.  I had a great time hanging with my kids and my fiancé was being more of a help than usual.  Just like always I was tight on funds and had to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping on the 23rd when my paycheck came.  I’m not sure what my fiancé was up too that night because I was too caught up in baking.  I made a late night trip to the supermarket and did a good amount of the wrapping with him while we put Dexter on the tube. 

Christmas eve I worked untill about 5:30pm.  The boys and my fiancé delivered the cookies to our neighbors. To my surprise I came home to a clean house!  I thanked him and we were off to my Aunt and Uncles for dinner and cocktails.  I was planning on doing some drinking then finishing up all the Christmas stuff.  Well things got off track.  The boys and I had a great time at my family’s home.  I was taking shots with my Uncle and got a bit tipsy.  My Mom (also drinking) started to grill my fiancé. Basicaly giving him a hard time about the stresses that get put on me.  Well that put him in a bad mood and he wanted to go while I wanted to stay.  I’m guessing we left at about 11ish.  Things got fuzzy because, well I was drunk. 

At home I put the boys down and was snuggling them.  I might have dozed off in the chair where I read them their stories.  I remember my fiancé giving me shit about this.  I was offended so went to my room and looked up some info on my smart phone for tomorrows dinner that I would be cooking.  I again dozed off.  I don’t remember what happened but I think he stated talking shit about my Mom who I defended.  He kept going so I started in on his whole family.  Tacky I know but this always happens he starts in on my family and won’t quit untill I go to far talking about his. 

Now I’m in no mood to be around him,  I text my lover something about being drunk, miserable and that I’m looking forward to getting drunk again tomorrow.  Then a half an hour later maybe 1:30am-ish.  I text him again Merry Christmas and I love him.  Then I’m back out again.

I woke up at 6am in a panic.  I had wrapping and stockings and food to prepare and I failed it all.  I ran out to see that my fiancé had done it all (except the food stuff).  He was so upset with me he had not tried to wake me up to help after our last fight. Part of me was so relived but the guilt was so heavy on me that I had trouble sleeping. 

Everything went well.  The boys had a great time opening gifts, I got the food prepped in the morning.  My Dad and his girlfriend came over brining even more gifts for the boys.  We were over an hour late to my Mom’s where the rest of the family was waiting.  It worked out anyway and  brunch was awesome. 

 I felt a little bad because my fiancé only got a BBQ sauce kit from my Mom and StepDad.  I understood why, but it sucked to know his heart would hurt because of all this.  I also didn’t wrap his gift from me and the last-minute gift I got for the boys to give to him.  I was also supposed to wrap the gifts his Mom had mailed and I didn’t but he wrapped the Fed Ex bags so there was still a surprise for him. 

That night I handled all the cooking.  Dinner wasn’t perfect but it was still tasty.  Friends came over for cocktails. We stayed up late and drank and partied.  I’m really glad the friends came over. 

No matter how much my fiancé drives me crazy and makes my life harder than it has to be I still don’t want his heart to hurt on Christmas.  We did our best to have a nice day and night.  I think it worked out OK.  With him being the hero and setting up Christmas I’m sure I won’t hear the end of how selfish I am for not holding up my end but at least he will have the pride of knowing he pulled it off all by himself.  That’s gotta count for something.     

Hopefully this will be the last year I go into the season unprepared but I think I say that every year.  At least I got the decorating done early.

Living in limbo….

30 Nov

Sophia had recently commented that working two jobs I’ll be so tired.  So far it has not been bad.  I’ve only added about 25 hours per week of work to my load.  Today and tomorrow will be special.  I’m a little nervous to see how it will work out.  I’m working 8:30am-5pm at my day job and then 10:30pm to 6am at my night job then back to work 8:30am-5pm then back to work 10:30pm-6pm.  I intend to go home at 5pm eat something then sleep and get up and work.  When I get home maybe I’ll take the dogs out for a walk then shower then go back to working….wow it seems like a lot.  I really do think I can pull it off.  

My other half…well I asked him if he checked out the work from home links I forwarded to him.  He said he started to then the computer froze.  I asked if he filed for disability he said he wants to wait for a friends doctors office to handle the paperwork for him.  Did he check with his layer on the injury case, no. He did make dinner and vacuum the house.  I should be thankful, right?  He’s also being needy and whiney.  He wants me to hold him and kiss him.  It feels like a lie.  I know I’m now a first class liar but the faking affection is hard.  Much harder than making something up to cover why I have a glowing smile on my face after I get one of my lovers texts. 

Honestly, right now, I wish he could just disappear, not die, not move, just vanish, maybe reincarnate into a happy puppy or something.  I don’t know if I have the guts to send his sorry ass away only for him to shift from being viciously hateful to utterly pitiful and back again.  The thought of my kids getting shuffled arround is also weighing on me.  My fiancé says he wants to make it work. That he loves me.  The kids and I are the best thing that has ever happened to him but he is in such pain he needs help.  Maybe it’s the pain and the diabetes and the pills, but maybe it’s not.  How long can I wait, what do I do?

Aside

I can’t wait to get my hands on him again….

29 Nov

My lover is getting back to himself.  Sending me sexy messages.  Telling me how he misses my kisses and being in my arms.  How he wants to wake up kiss me and play with my boobs. He misses sliding his cock into my wet pussy and cumming inside of me.  It all makes me so horny and miss him all the more.  He’s also sending me more pictures.  He is growing a beard after years of not being able to.  It means a lot to him.  Unusual yes but his quirkiness is one of the reasons why I love him so.  Now he is sending me a weekly beard update. 

I recently found out in February his wife, her sister and my lover are all going to visit a town about 45 minutes from my home.  We had been talking about how strange it will be for him to be so close but not be able to see each other.  On top of that it’s the town we visited together in July.  So many wonderful memories.  The evil side of me is excited that he will remember walking those same streets holding my hand and kissing on every street corner. 

The other night we were talking about how we don’t know when we’ll see each other again.  That’s when he told me that his sister in law was taking the trip with them.  So of course the evil comes out again.  I ask, can you send them shopping?  If you can get a couple hours alone I can come meet you.  He says yes right away doesn’t even think about it.  He now just needs to figure out if he can do it on a Thursday or Friday and I’ll be there.  I love visiting this city so even if I have to hang out and wait to get time with him I’ll have fun shopping or looking at art.  I’m so excited. 

It starts with a night out…..

21 Nov

It’s starting to get weird.  We still have been on odd terms.  Nitpicking  each other over chores and money.  His crying the blues that we aren’t having sex.  We still have not made any plans to improve the situation since neither one of us will taken enough blame to satisfy the other. 

I worked Friday from 9am to 10:30pm between both jobs.  I only saw my boys in the morning.  When I got home they were already a sleep.  Saturday I took the boys out for a hike.  We climbed and ran.  Collected fall leaves and had a picnic in the forest.  We checked out mushrooms and mossy rocks.  We had a great time.  They got home and had a good long nap.

That night my coworker was meeting one of our clients for cocktails.  I don’t get to go out much on my own especially since I don’t have many girlfriends.  I was excited to go.  He didn’t argue with me going out.  He always asks when I will get home (I never ask him).  It was a client I have not hung out with before and my coworkers sitter couldn’t stay late so I told him I thought it would be an early night.

We went out and had a cocktail or two at a local Mexican resteraunt.  My client was a lot of fun.  When my coworker left she and I went out to a brew pub and had a pint and checked out a cover band playing music from our highschool days.  It was a nice time.  We made plans to go out again some time,  maybe even catch a show.  I had texted my fiancé that I would be finishing my beer and leaving soon. 

I had to grab some milk and such from the supermarket.  It was very cold out my trunk was like a freezer, so I went out to get one more beer after the market.  I went to my old local hang out.  I spent every Tuesday and Sunday there for a long while maybe 7 or 8 years ago.  While the crowd was not the same the bartender was.  I sat on my own and had a pint of Guinness. 

Eventually I struck up a conversation with the old couple next to me.  Then I met a man who was enchanted with me when I went out to smoke.  I blew him off but it’s always good for the ego.  It was karaoke night so there were quite a few characters out.  The singing was bad but it was entertaining.  I met a transgender girl who used to work at a topless resteraunt in Houston, TX.  Then the fella two chairs over flagged me down and we started chatting.  He insisted on buying me one more beer.  Cute guy ex military covered in ink and worked with a large shipping company.  The woman I was talking to earlier says the guy across the bar has been stairing at you all night.  She asked if I was interested in him.  I told her I’m not really interested in anybody, not wanting to get into a longer story.  She then say the guy next to me and said oh, he’s much cuter. 

By this time my fiancé is texting me and I forgot my original text that I would be home soon.  It’s 1am and he wants fast food.  I tell him I will bring it, sorry I’m late and go to leave.  I have one more smoke before taking off and start off a conversation with a large amature comedian that was fucking funny.  I spent a little more time than I should have talking to him but it was fun.

I got home shortly after with the groceries and fast food.  Catching an earful from my fiancé about how I’m bad with my phone.  Got drilled about my where abouts and why I didn’t answer my phone.  Honestly I didn’t hear the phone calls but I did respond to the texts.  I hate talking to him when he’s already riled up so I just avoided the whole situation. 

All and all I had a good time.  I wish it didn’t rock the boat at home but it seems to be the price of me going out solo.

What’s my age again….

4 Nov

My long distance lover, oh how I miss him.  We hardly talk now.  It’s my fault, I asked for this.  I start to wonder if he is getting board with me, if he pines for me like I pine for him?  Sometimes I feel like I over text him.  Send him too many photos.  He never says it’s a problem, he never pushes me away.  Just when I think I’m a total fool he sends me a really nice message telling me how much he loves me and I’m just awash with those fluttery feelings that only love can give you. 

I got a weird feeling this morning I started to feel like we would never see each other again.  It seems crazy now.  We’ve talked today he tells me about his life.  Him and his wife are planning a trip to the same city that he and I had our second meeting in.  He said how weird it will be.  I will only be an hour’s drive away.  It’s going to be sad that I can’t come see him. 

I wish we had a good hour to talk.  Part of me wants to ask does he still think that anything could happen that five years from now it could all be different and we could be together.  The rest of me knows that’s stupid and childish.  I want to ask him how will he feel if my fiancé I and I break up and someone wants to date me.  Most of all I want to know when I can see him again. Maybe I’ll find the right time to ask. 

He has asked me to write him something.  He asked for a short story but I am more comfortable with poetry.  I used to write poetry as a teenager and a little bit in my early twenties.  Most of it, well practily all of it was very bad.  Some of it hurt to read.  I’ll keep it anyway but wow, bad stuff.  So I’ve started to write him a poem.  I’m tossing around how I will deliver it to him.  I have most of it done but the last line, it’s killing me.     

Will you still love me…..

25 Oct

I may have made a bad choice.  A poor choice of words maybe.  Maybe I’m just a bad communicator all together.  Knowing I need to focus to try to right things in my life I decided to do it.  Tell Tom that I need to talk to him a bit less.  We had not talked for most of the weekend and when talking on Monday I was a bit of a mess.  The bills, the house work, my missing him.  It is all building.  We talked about happy stuff at first.  He’s going out to see a band he likes tonight.  Then I start to tell him how stressed out I am.  How after my fiancé was horrible that it went back to pretty much normal only my fiancé was being super nice.  How I wish I had a partner that would help.  I’m up my eyeballs in debt and house work and how he (Tom) is the perfect escape.  I go on saying after going out to the pumpkin patch this weekend as a family I keep thinking I need to work harder to keep my family together.  He listened he didn’t judge me.  I told him how much I love him.  How I wish I knew what to do. 

Then I said it, would you love me as much if we talked less.  How could he say no.  I told him that I need to work on getting another job, that I should use my lunch breaks to try to get things together in my life.  That the night might be the best time for us to talk.  He seemed to take it real well, oh that and I was crying.  He said he wishes he could give me what I need.  That he could help me.  Just talking with him and my short time being with him helps, the perfect escape.  I thank him for the camping trip, for being someone who is kinda normal that loves me.  I clean myself up and go back to work.

That night after dinner I’m in neurotic cleaning mode moping sweeping, toilets, dishes, counters laundry.  Tom had said “we have plans to go to the show” I think meaning his wife, so I’m not trying to get out to talk to him.  I get a message that he just got to the show.  Later I get these bands suck.  Later on I get ” So is the talking less a way of distancing yourself or giving yourself more time to accomplish tasks?”.  I’m starting to think I should have gone out to walk the muts and talk to him.  My response ” I think both, I’m cleaning right now and I think I love y ou a little more than is OK.  Part reality check part neurotic fix stuff mission.” I’m starting to feel weird and anxious.  I didn’t even think about hurting his feelings.  Even though he loves me I think it’s different that he could go for years with out talking to me and still love me, but he doesn’t need me.  He has a good wife and a good life.  In my mind I’m the one that would benefit from him, I would just be a burden to him other than the sex and stuff.  His reply “….It makes sence to me….but I’ve been drinking….and I mean I’m D runk.”  I tell him I wish I could be there.  How I’d love to get D runk with him (we were pretty drunk the first night we kissed but not D runk!) after a few more cute texts we send our good nights. 

Now our no worries, no strings relationship has gotten complicated.  For the first time I’m worried that I hurt his feelings.  I don’t know how to ask.  Now I wish didn’t draw a line in the sand cutting off our lunch talks.  It might be nothing, I sent him a text  saying I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  Nothing.  I sent later that getting people to take my résumé in person is harder than I thought.  His response could have been an answer to both “Really, I thought you were unshakeable.”  Now nothing.  I’ve done it to myself.  I hope he stays up to talk to me tonight.  This could all be so simple why do I have to complicate things?

Some tears, some cheers and Gomez…..

1 Oct

I was sad to say that after that shitty day Tom was not able to talk to me that night.  He did call me first thing in the morning when I got into my office.  He asked if everything was OK and I gave him the short version, ” My fiancé was being a dick”.  I was alone in the office so I had some time to talk.  He said all the nice things I needed to hear, how I deserve better and my fiancé doesn’t know how lucky he is.  He brought up how men from the South tend to treat their women better.  He said there’s something about being raised Southern.  Having him be so nice and saying those things alluding to it’s just not something in him to treat a lady like my fiancé treats me some times.  Well it got me all choked up.  I just said you’re wife’s a lucky lady before I lost my voice for a second.  He said a few nice things, telling me I have him to, but I don’t.  He could hear me crying. I couldn’t stop it.  He said something about deserving more and all I could say was it’s my fault. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. I said I’m sorry some times talking to you makes me sad and that I had to go.  My co-workers will be at the office soon and I need to get myself together.  He told me he loves me and got off the phone reluctantly.

My manager came in and called me into his office.  He felt bad on how he had relayed the issues with the client that has trouble working with me. I let him know I need to hear it.  How else will I get better?  We talked a little longer about my progress. How when he leaves I will seamlessly get promoted into his job and how I’m so much further ahead that he was at my age.  It was good to hear. He also said that the training class I’m taking in about a week will help me with how to work these customers better.  I told him I think talking to the client in person will help so I made plans to go the next day to call on her at her location.  He was proud of me taking the initiative and putting myself in the line of fire.  All things said this customer is a notorious bitch.

I talked to Tom on my lunch.  I was able to be fun and collected then.  He had sent me a text shortly after we hung up telling me he was worried about me and to make sure I was OK and that I had stopped leaking.  I found that odd because I had refered to my crying as leaking as well when I wrote my last post the night before.  It was a reference to a TV show that had been canceled years ago 3rd Rock from the Sun.  Who would have thought!  We laughed and talked about how excited we are to see each other.  I let him know his ex-supervisor had send a friend request to me on Facebook but I thought it was a farce.  the man’s profile said he’d just left his wife foreclosed his home was moving in with his new girlfriend who is a hottie from the store where he works and that his hobbies include ruining his sons and his wife’s lives and cheating on his wife.  Weird right?  Well come to find out some one was just doing that to him.  Faked a profile and was friending every woman that seemed to be arround the poor bastard.  Made me think how easy it would be for anyone to do that to anyone.  Kinda scary!

I had tickets for a Gomez show that night.  (I’m curious if anyone else has heard of this band because they are from South Port and no one I know seems to have heard of them) So I spoke with my fiancé to see if he still wanted to come.   It was a dry conversation to say the least but he did say he wanted to come and he was going to be helpful in getting the boys ready.  Even better he was going to drive and the show was in an outdoor amphitheater at a brewery.  After work we packed up in the car like a happy little family and went to the show.  The boys were angels the first act was boring!  The boys were attracting attention everywhere.  A few songs into the Gomez set I felt like dancing so I took the boys down with me and we danced like no one was watching.  My two year old has some impressive dance moves and even found a little girl about his age to dance with!  We had blast and my fiancé was nice even though he didn’t like the music and he was still upset with me.

I think I’m always avoiding confrontation.  I need to find a way to step up.  Something’s got to change.  Iwas so sure that I wouldn’t be able to live with him, but now it’s a maybe.  There are so many maybe if I, or maybe it’s the meds or the money problems or our young boys, or my affair with Tom.  So many things to sort out and I just want to feel loved and appreciated I feel like it all rides on me.  Maybe that’s my answer.