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Still torn….

20 Feb

Yesterday Tom texted me that he was riding his bike to work to get in better shape for our summer vacation.  I hoped he ment me and him but since we had nothing planned yet I wondered if it was a vacation he and his wife were taking together.  When he got done with his little five mile ride he called me out of breath.  After we talked for a little bit I asked if it was a vacation for him and I.  Of course it was.  He said he was all sweaty and cold and needed to get cleaned up to go into work.  It was 33 degrees and sprinkling.  I think that’s so hot and I told him so. 

I’m counting down.  Ten days until my lover will be in my neck of the woods.  With his wife and her sister and maybe her brother will be with him.  He still doesn’t have a plan to break away.  I have two days off and I don’t know which one I will need to use to drive to the city to meet him for an hour or two or more?  I’m tempted to pay for the ladies to get mani-pettis so I can steal a bit of his time. 

I know I’ve said it before but the lowred contact makes me wonder if he still has the same feelings for me.  Then he’ll get on the phone with me and tell me how amazing I am and how he wants to hold me.  He left me the cutest voice mail message saying he wanted to get behind me and squeeze my titties while he fucked me.  I still have it saved for a rainy day, listening to it always makes me smile.  He sent me a picture of his cock recently and my responce was it makes me want him to shove it inside of me.  It always amazes me that my doubt is erased by contact with him.  He really makes me melt.

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Sex, sex, sex…..

19 Feb

He told me that he couldn’t trust me because I whored around as a teenager.  You know that right now, he would be right.  However he’s always acted this way and in 15 years this is the first year I have been unfaithful and no I didn’t tell him that, but I remind him of the many years I have been faithful to him. I tried to bend the words perfectly so I would lie as little as possible. 

He told me that because of my Daddy issues that I sought out attention from men.  That my parents divorce and being neglected by my Mother who was too focused on dating my now Step Dad let me run amuck.  The Mom thing might be true but my Dad wanted to be arround me often.  He coached my softball team on two occasions and I was against it.  I was able to bite my tongue because him giving me the old family therapy bothers me due to how completely dysfunctional his family is, but lets get back to the point.

He told me that my sexual lessons were to have attention and fill a void.  I don’t think so.  I would liken it more to drug use.  I had sex because it felt good.  I didn’t seek out lovers that would pay attention to me.  I had some lovers that would just knock on my window in the night we’d go fuck and then I’d go back home and I would not pursue any other relationship than that, just sex.  The guy I was thinking about was such a great fuck.  He’d have me cumming over and over.  But I didn’t want the attention I liked the way I felt while I was making out, cumming and fucking.

I had ground rules. No blow jobs and nothing in the back door. My first real blow job was with my fiancé.  I had tried once very poorly with a neighbor but it only lasted a minute and only done based on my curiosity and I didn’t like it.  It didn’t give me the same feeling that making out or fucking did.

My fiancé used to do speed before we met.  I wanted to try to parallel his choice of being a tweeker to my choice of being a slut.  He did it because it gave him something to do he liked the way it felt.  I fucked and made out with people for the same reasons.

Once I got that first spark of attraction I would pursue that feeling.  Kissing and touching making me tingle, making me wet.  I can’t ever remember thinking to my self, “If I just let him fuck me he’d like me.”.  What I do remember is it was about me.  Me being horny, me getting off.  Never using lube cumming pretty much every time I fucked.  Some times over and over. 

There were times where I wanted more attention but I’d not say I used sex to try to get it.  I do remember when I was young I had a little thing going with a singer in a band.  I remember he was kinda weird hanging out with me hanging out with his friends.  One day he just stopped calling me back.  I remember waiting for him in the bar in the same mall where I worked. Waiting for him to pick me up and he never came.  Now I think I might just know what part of the problem was.  I was 15 and he was 23.

I have not gotten to tell my fiance my opinions about my sexual past yet.  He really has the mindset that sex is special and you should have a deep emotional connection.  Unless we were fucking that one chick then it didn’t seem to matter too much to him.  Oh I’m confused and a bit off topic, but I think I got my point out there.

Sexuality rant….

2 Feb

Sometimes I wonder if society’s mores have stifled me as a sexually charged person.  The have forced part of me to exist in the shadows and made me inclined to feel ashamed of what I enjoy doing.  I think back and the curvey body I developed early had my class mates being demeaning to me early on.  Though I had had one kiss and one “boyfriend” by 7th grade I was called a whore and a slut.  There was no way for them to know but I’d already started coming in to my sexuality looking at Playboys and Hustler mags at the family’s home where I babysat after the children had gone to sleep.  Masturbating with the shower massager at home when no one was around. 

When I chose a less than romantic way to be deflowerd it didn’t seem to me like such a big deal.  I already had a reputation.  A few more encounters and I was able to find extreme pleasure being with another person.  Even though sex was a regular part of my life I didn’t talk about it with anyone, anyone at all. I guess I should say outside of the people at the womans clinic.  I went often to get checked and to get birth control.  My mother never knew. 

My fiancé and I met in school.  We had been together a whole year before I chose to pursue him.  I was falling out of lust with a 25 year old man I was seeing at the time I was 17. I got my future finances attention by inviting him to cut school and smoke weed.  We waited an entire week before making love.  I surprised him, I don’t remember how it started but I do remember pinning him down and riding him until I came.  He hadn’t been with someone so forward with their own pleasure before. 

After being together for a while he found my vibrator I had bought it when I was 15.  I walked down to the Adult Book store on the outskirts of town and bought it cash.  I was so embarrassed when he found it.  Again why should someone be shy about fulfilling their sexual needs?  Not to long after he found my diary.  It had accounts of my adventures sexual and otherwise.  The back the the list of all the 100 boys and men I’d kissed and the 30 I’d fucked.  He destroyed it while I was in the shower.  He was very unhappy that I had such a past.  I was very upset, to this day I’m upset about him destroying my memories bad or good they were mine and I wrote them for a reason.

I for a long time felt un-loveable.  That only the good girls deserved real love that I had to take what I could get.  Keeping my secrets to feel a little more normal.  When my future fiancé told me how disappointed he was, that I was a whore and the people I chose to sleep with were disgusting.  I took it hard.  Sure they weren’t the best of the best but I had found beauty in them and I enjoyed myself with them.  We moved forward but it still is something he will throw in my face when it suits him.  I’m just a whore.  A whore who was faithful to him always, until now.  My question to him is how dirty are you to stay with someone you think of like that.

Would it all have gone differently if someone had told me wanting to have sex is normal and to choose wisely and be discreet but not ashamed? Was I destined to be different? Am I different or is everyone else hung up because that is what the group chooses is right for everyone?  When I tell any one about this that has young girls they are shocked.  Better to find out early and help than have to clean up later right?  I’m reading so many blogs that are exploring sexuality in many diffrent ways.  Thank you to all of you for putting your pleasure out there.

He asked for it….

5 Nov

Not wanting
        Not looking
                You took me by surprise
My guilt overshadowed
        By the memory of your touch
My mind taken
        By your wicked ways
My body pulled to you
        By the gravity of lust
Distance and time
        The only things keeping us apart
                Letting us fall in love
Reckless I want to fuck your brains out, love
What the fuck am I doing I can’t stop, love
Heartbreaking without a break up, love
        A friendship that makes me feel young
        A relationship that has to exist in secret
        An affair that could undo so much
I am surprised with all that you’ve done to spend time with me
I am always looking for our next opportunity to kiss
I am left wanting more

 

OK, it’s a poem.  Please hit me with any kind of HONEST feedback you can.  I can take it really I can.  Tom asked that I write something for him and this came out.  I’ve revised a little from my orringal writings but I think this is the final draft I will send to him, maybe….gulp.

I can only go up and then down and then up again from here…

5 Oct

 I’m on a roller coaster this year.  I was so down in the dumps.  My fiancé had surgery.  His sisters came to live with us to help.  One of them had a nervous breakdown and had to leave.  The younger one stayed and was so sweet.  My fiancé constantly complaining about my family.  Then in April a business trip. I felt like I was on top of the world.  Managing a branch, meeting new contacts, enjoying the night life.  My fiancé brining me down at every phone contact until it finally ended up he would just yell at me and call me names.  Then the last night that magical Thursday night where I found comfort in Tom’s arms.  He already had my attention by being so nice.  For more about it check out my post, I wasn’t looking but I got found…http://wp.me/p1IMS5-j

 

When I got back home my fiancé again was mean and made me sad.  I made contact with Tom and we started talking.  We were both still flush with the thrill of our night together.  When there was a chance that his friends band would play in our town we started talking about meeting.  The things he would say gave me such a rush.  I was on top of the world.  Thoughts of him filled my days and nights.  When I found out the tour wouldn’t come to the town 15 minutes away I still had to see him.  We made plans to meet outside of the tour.  The 55 day count down was exciting and all my troubles seemed to vanish as I waited for him to come to me.

 

After the trip his child came to stay with him and the contact dwindled.  When she left he was bummed and things didn’t go back to the same.  In the mean time my life had gotten away from me.  I was like a zombie just making it through on auto pilot.  I let things get worse. 

 

Everything I’d do I’d wonder how Tom would fit in.  How my fiancé just doesn’t compare to him.  How stuck I am.  Now as my count down is down to 7 days I’m scared.  I’m excited to see him but sad to know this might change everything forever.  The tears keep coming and I don’t know what to do to make things better.

 

I started this blog because I was so excited about all these new feelings that I had no one to share them with.  Now it’s just my neurotic ramblings.  I feel like I’m trying to keep my life running like I keep my car together.  Duct tape, zip ties and special fluids.  No matter what I feel better writing this stuff down.  I’m starting to wish I had more time to write and read.

Will this be the end?

5 Oct

In a week I’ll be in my lovers arms.  Maybe for the last time.  I’m starting to question if this trip is even a good idea.  I was so excited I missed that my dates were off.  Tom wants to take me to an amazing place he has been telling me about since we first met and I’m so excited to go with him the only problem is there is no cell service. 

I am planning to tell him I’m just not cut out for this.  That I want to be with him. I’m feeling jealous and that is weird for me. That the lowered contact hurts my confidence.  He has been a great friend.  He’s an interesting person who I love talking to.  I would love to stay in contact with him.

I still have not asked Tom much about his wife.  I wonder how they met.  How they fell in love.  Did he always have other girls on the side he fooled arround with or was there any point where it was just his wife.  His one and only.  It blows my mind he has only been in that town for 5 maybe 6 years now.  They’ve been married for three.  Doing the math makes me wonder.  I wonder if he will get board with his life there and look to move and make another life.  Maybe one closer to me.  I still can’t get the idea that maybe we can be together someday out of my head.  I think I need to though.

So my trip, with all this going on in my head you might ask why am I still going on this trip.  

  1. I’m fucking horny.
  2. I want to tell him this stuff in person.
  3. I need an adventure.  

Some tears, some cheers and Gomez…..

1 Oct

I was sad to say that after that shitty day Tom was not able to talk to me that night.  He did call me first thing in the morning when I got into my office.  He asked if everything was OK and I gave him the short version, ” My fiancé was being a dick”.  I was alone in the office so I had some time to talk.  He said all the nice things I needed to hear, how I deserve better and my fiancé doesn’t know how lucky he is.  He brought up how men from the South tend to treat their women better.  He said there’s something about being raised Southern.  Having him be so nice and saying those things alluding to it’s just not something in him to treat a lady like my fiancé treats me some times.  Well it got me all choked up.  I just said you’re wife’s a lucky lady before I lost my voice for a second.  He said a few nice things, telling me I have him to, but I don’t.  He could hear me crying. I couldn’t stop it.  He said something about deserving more and all I could say was it’s my fault. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. I said I’m sorry some times talking to you makes me sad and that I had to go.  My co-workers will be at the office soon and I need to get myself together.  He told me he loves me and got off the phone reluctantly.

My manager came in and called me into his office.  He felt bad on how he had relayed the issues with the client that has trouble working with me. I let him know I need to hear it.  How else will I get better?  We talked a little longer about my progress. How when he leaves I will seamlessly get promoted into his job and how I’m so much further ahead that he was at my age.  It was good to hear. He also said that the training class I’m taking in about a week will help me with how to work these customers better.  I told him I think talking to the client in person will help so I made plans to go the next day to call on her at her location.  He was proud of me taking the initiative and putting myself in the line of fire.  All things said this customer is a notorious bitch.

I talked to Tom on my lunch.  I was able to be fun and collected then.  He had sent me a text shortly after we hung up telling me he was worried about me and to make sure I was OK and that I had stopped leaking.  I found that odd because I had refered to my crying as leaking as well when I wrote my last post the night before.  It was a reference to a TV show that had been canceled years ago 3rd Rock from the Sun.  Who would have thought!  We laughed and talked about how excited we are to see each other.  I let him know his ex-supervisor had send a friend request to me on Facebook but I thought it was a farce.  the man’s profile said he’d just left his wife foreclosed his home was moving in with his new girlfriend who is a hottie from the store where he works and that his hobbies include ruining his sons and his wife’s lives and cheating on his wife.  Weird right?  Well come to find out some one was just doing that to him.  Faked a profile and was friending every woman that seemed to be arround the poor bastard.  Made me think how easy it would be for anyone to do that to anyone.  Kinda scary!

I had tickets for a Gomez show that night.  (I’m curious if anyone else has heard of this band because they are from South Port and no one I know seems to have heard of them) So I spoke with my fiancé to see if he still wanted to come.   It was a dry conversation to say the least but he did say he wanted to come and he was going to be helpful in getting the boys ready.  Even better he was going to drive and the show was in an outdoor amphitheater at a brewery.  After work we packed up in the car like a happy little family and went to the show.  The boys were angels the first act was boring!  The boys were attracting attention everywhere.  A few songs into the Gomez set I felt like dancing so I took the boys down with me and we danced like no one was watching.  My two year old has some impressive dance moves and even found a little girl about his age to dance with!  We had blast and my fiancé was nice even though he didn’t like the music and he was still upset with me.

I think I’m always avoiding confrontation.  I need to find a way to step up.  Something’s got to change.  Iwas so sure that I wouldn’t be able to live with him, but now it’s a maybe.  There are so many maybe if I, or maybe it’s the meds or the money problems or our young boys, or my affair with Tom.  So many things to sort out and I just want to feel loved and appreciated I feel like it all rides on me.  Maybe that’s my answer.