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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

The family factor…..

3 Sep

I talked to Tom yesterday on my lunch.  It’s so nice to catch up with him.  We talked about all the fun stuff he has planned for this weekend.  He says he misses me.  I’ve felt a little weird about things with him lately.  After his kid left I thought we would be in touch more.  When the texts didn’t come like they used to especially with me texting him it felt weird.  I started to wonder if things were not as I thought.  On our talk yesterday he told me how much he misses his kid.  He tells me how he gets into a funk when their time together is over.  He said he is sorry for not being as romantic with me.  From what he tells me is a very involved caring father.  He says they talk on the phone 2x’s a week or so.  He says he is calling daily to talk.  It is so sweet.  I found out they stopped living together when the baby was about 12 months old.  He used to drive 8 hours every weekend to be with his kid untill his ex moved farther away and made it harder.  His ex doesn’t seem pleasant either making him more of a hero in my eyes.  Lot’s of fathers live in the same town and don’t make that kind of effort to be with their kids.  His dedication to his child is heartwarming.  I miss his sexy texts but I can wait especially if the reason is so pure and wonderful. 

On the other hand my fiancé is in a bad way.  His family is pretty dysfunctional.  On a scale of 1-10 maybe a 7.  His mother called him in tears.  The two youngest of my fiancé sisters live at home they are 18 and 20.  They both are kind of Goth/Emo kids.  They like these weird pretty emo boys.  Come to find out their boyfriends both like boys.  The older sister has a lot of mental problems and was living with this terrible boy.  Come to find out he was having unprotected sex with men from Craig’s List for fun (they claim not for money).  Now she is worried she has AIDS but has not gotten tested.  The younger sister’s boyfriend just sucks guys off.  She is not worried like the older one but she has been sneeking out to have sex with a guy that is now in prison.  So now my fiancé’s Dad is holed up at the family’s other house (yes they have two houses) and is snorting Oxycontin to stay calm.  I think that’s just an excuse his horrible drug problems is one of the reasons they are high on he dysfunction list.  Now the older sister is saying she will kill herself if she has AIDS.  My fiance’s Mom is freaking out.  She has to go work, she’s worried she will come home and find her little girl dead.  I don’t think she has gotten tested yet.  It’s a mess.  I don’t know how to help if there is any help that can be given.  They live across the country.  My fiance keeps trying to think of a way to go out and kill that guy that put his older sister at risk.  Literaly kill or mame him.  I of course being a sociopath (that’s what my one of my friends calls me anyway) offer I could take a week off of work to watch the kids so you can…um…take care of business.  I’m pretty sure he would never kill anyone but he would hurt him badly for sure.  If he were to end up in jail for a long time that would give me a chance to……OK I know that’s fucked up.  Kind of a win win though right?  I don’t know.  I feel really bad for all of them but their family structure is so bad that it’s not a surprise.  How can you put you foot down and help those girls when they are adults now.  I hope that all is not lost for them, especially the younger one, but wow.

When I daydream……

2 Aug

Some times I daydream I think about how it would be to live with Tom.  How nice it would be to snuggle on the couch with him.  Exploring all the different beautiful places to hike and swim all around this area.  How I would have a lawn in my back yard and maybe Pergo floors like I’ve wanted for years.  I could be excited about the future again knowing I had someone who is willing to work as hard if not harder than I to get what they want.  I really think with someone like him around it would bring my “game” up a notch.  He has a boat and likes to be outside.  Our weekends would be full of adventures.  He likes a variety of music I think we would have fun going to different shows together.  He knows how to fix stuff, I think that is so sexy.  I would love to get greasy with him fixing up an old hot rod or motorcycle. 

Now all these wonderful things would make for a rosy life.  My only problem is I cannot see how my kids will fit in with Tom.  Maybe it’s to early or maybe it’s because it’s just not ment to be.  He has said before that he likes kids and kids like him but who wants to step in and start to live with another persons little kids.  So maybe it’s selfish of me to think about being with Tom.  Could my desires not be fair to my kids?  If it did work, if they clicked he would totally enrich their lives.  All those things I love about him would be great examples for them.  A dedicated hard-working loving husband is not something they see much of.  Don’t get me wrong my fiancé is affectionate sometimes but he doesn’t do much to contribute to the family.  They will not be learning work ethic from their Dad that’s for sure. 

All this makes me think of my Dad.  When I was really little he had jobs working in construction and in lumber yards.  I remember visiting his work and being impressed by the framed out houses and half built structures.  The large stack of wood and the huge forklifts, cranes and the heavy machines to fix the wood.  At home I remember him working on cars and building an elaborate fort for us.  Pouring concrete and fixing things.  Camping and fishing.  He was a man’s man before he lost his drive.  My kids won’t have those memories.  They will remember their Mom doing most of the work.  They hopefully wont remember the dirt patch that is my back yard but they might.  They will remember Dad spending time with them, playing guitar and cooking for them.  I hope they wont remember the names he calls me and how much we fight about me needing him helping out. 

Now with all this thought out maybe it would be better for Tom to be there, but would it be fair to Tom.  Maybe this is my wake up call.  Stop daydreaming, make the life you need your kids to have a reality yourself.  A strong Mom might be all those sweet little kids need to be strong adults.  If I have to tow along my fiancé, a glorified babysitter, then so be it.  I hope that one day Tom can be i my life and in my kids lives but maybe I’m just taking daydreaming too far.

Just like my Mom…..

28 Jul

People say you’re going to turn out like your parents. It’s something that I always shrugged off thinking no way I’m totally different. Now looking at my life and my Mom’s I’m starting to wonder if I was very wrong. My Mom I’ve heard was a bit of a party girl, of course I was a party girl. I took it way further than she did though. She met my Dad when they were young and were together since they were teenagers. Check, met my fiancé in continuation school. My Mom always worked, my Mom’s family helped them with a down payment for their first house. Same here. They had kids in their late 20’s. My Dad started not working, not helping around the house, name calling, drinking heavily and being distant. Yes, my fiancé doesn’t work, does a poor job around the house, he doesn’t drink like my Dad but he takes pills and smokes weed. After dinner he disappears untill late at night. My Mom and Dad split up when I was about 10 my little bro was about 8. Me and Tom have talked about being together, for real and our discussion was maybe not right now but who knows what will happen in 5 years or so. Guess how old my kids will be then. Right?? OK, my Mom is happily engaged to a hard-working, dedicated guy who is super nice and enjoys the outdoors and is very different from my Dad. He has been married 2x’s already. Tom’s currently on his 2nd marriage. It might all mean nothing at all, but wow it sure is weird.