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If I could just have….

16 Nov

I’ve been thinking about what I’m missing in a partner.  What would my ideal relationship look like?  Mostly it comes back to someone genuinely caring about my happiness.  Sometimes I do feel like my fiance cares about my happiness but it seems to come with an alterior motive. 

 I really want someone who can take initiative.  I don’t want to have to tell someone what to do all the time.  Right now if I put laundry in the washing machine before work it’s still in there when I get home even though I know he’s been in the garage several times to smoke.  Why can’t he just move the wet laundry to the drier. Why!?!?  If I’m voicing concerns about our finances ask questions, try to be part of the solution.  If the house needs repairs or organizing go for it! 

This might be ridiculous but it’s something I think about when we fight.  I want someone who wants to win my favor.  Who wants to see me smile.  Even if they are right and I’m wrong they think I’m worth compromising for.  I think to all the romantic comedies that I’ve seen and I want a piece of that.  You know, the even thought she ran off with another man he is chasing her with roses or poems or what ever because she is the one. 

I think if I had to do over agin I would look for someone with a can do attitude.  Some one that even in the face of adversity presses forward and looks for ways to overcome whatever is the trouble at the time.  I think that is someone I can build a future with.  Right now if feels like I’m just trying to survive untill the next day. 

I’m sure there is a ton of other stuff I can add to this list but since I have to write in secret I don’t have much time to create my posts.

Wrecking shop like an addiction…..

7 Nov

I just had lunch with my Mom.  She helped me out with a little money.  My fiancé is out of meds we’re low on gas and we could use a few fresh veggies.  I will pay her back on my pay-day.  I gave her my good news I got a 2nd job!  I will make twenty-five cents more than minimum wage and work all night long.  It’s seasonal at a large toy retailer.  Another upside is that it give me a small discount on toys. 

 Not surprising this was not good news to her.  She is completely disgusted by the lack of help I get from my fiancé on anything financial.  She aware of his poor spending habits and how I have been a push over, not putting my foot down to change things.  We had a good talk.  She said something that made me think and reminded me of a post I read recently on Black’s Jewels (On a side note I love William’s stuff you should check him out).  She said she doesn’t come see my boys because she cannot stand to look at my fiancé.  I said how about you just take them to the park (there’s a park a block away from our house).  She said she really can’t stand to give him the break.  I have a feeling that might be part of the reason my Dad doesn’t come over much either. 

I know I need to do something I feel so trapped, without my fiance I have no child care.  Right before my job interview Sunday night we started fighting.  He is really sure that he does enough housework.  I was not able to have him make a plan as I was on a tight schedule.  Maybe we can work on it tonight.  Also the income thing, he says he was not clear that it was so dire.  I asked him what else do I have to say?  I’ve been telling him our bills exceed my income for months and that we need more income to make it.  How much more clear can I be?  I asked if he needs me to nag constantly and yell.  He of course didn’t like that a bit, I think.

Will you still love me…..

25 Oct

I may have made a bad choice.  A poor choice of words maybe.  Maybe I’m just a bad communicator all together.  Knowing I need to focus to try to right things in my life I decided to do it.  Tell Tom that I need to talk to him a bit less.  We had not talked for most of the weekend and when talking on Monday I was a bit of a mess.  The bills, the house work, my missing him.  It is all building.  We talked about happy stuff at first.  He’s going out to see a band he likes tonight.  Then I start to tell him how stressed out I am.  How after my fiancé was horrible that it went back to pretty much normal only my fiancé was being super nice.  How I wish I had a partner that would help.  I’m up my eyeballs in debt and house work and how he (Tom) is the perfect escape.  I go on saying after going out to the pumpkin patch this weekend as a family I keep thinking I need to work harder to keep my family together.  He listened he didn’t judge me.  I told him how much I love him.  How I wish I knew what to do. 

Then I said it, would you love me as much if we talked less.  How could he say no.  I told him that I need to work on getting another job, that I should use my lunch breaks to try to get things together in my life.  That the night might be the best time for us to talk.  He seemed to take it real well, oh that and I was crying.  He said he wishes he could give me what I need.  That he could help me.  Just talking with him and my short time being with him helps, the perfect escape.  I thank him for the camping trip, for being someone who is kinda normal that loves me.  I clean myself up and go back to work.

That night after dinner I’m in neurotic cleaning mode moping sweeping, toilets, dishes, counters laundry.  Tom had said “we have plans to go to the show” I think meaning his wife, so I’m not trying to get out to talk to him.  I get a message that he just got to the show.  Later I get these bands suck.  Later on I get ” So is the talking less a way of distancing yourself or giving yourself more time to accomplish tasks?”.  I’m starting to think I should have gone out to walk the muts and talk to him.  My response ” I think both, I’m cleaning right now and I think I love y ou a little more than is OK.  Part reality check part neurotic fix stuff mission.” I’m starting to feel weird and anxious.  I didn’t even think about hurting his feelings.  Even though he loves me I think it’s different that he could go for years with out talking to me and still love me, but he doesn’t need me.  He has a good wife and a good life.  In my mind I’m the one that would benefit from him, I would just be a burden to him other than the sex and stuff.  His reply “….It makes sence to me….but I’ve been drinking….and I mean I’m D runk.”  I tell him I wish I could be there.  How I’d love to get D runk with him (we were pretty drunk the first night we kissed but not D runk!) after a few more cute texts we send our good nights. 

Now our no worries, no strings relationship has gotten complicated.  For the first time I’m worried that I hurt his feelings.  I don’t know how to ask.  Now I wish didn’t draw a line in the sand cutting off our lunch talks.  It might be nothing, I sent him a text  saying I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  Nothing.  I sent later that getting people to take my résumé in person is harder than I thought.  His response could have been an answer to both “Really, I thought you were unshakeable.”  Now nothing.  I’ve done it to myself.  I hope he stays up to talk to me tonight.  This could all be so simple why do I have to complicate things?

A plan to make a plan….

25 Oct

I’m back to a weepy insecure mess.  Last week I did very poorly on my duties around the house.  I let go of the purse strings just to have an easy week.  I keep saying in my head that one night I need to sit my fiancé down and make a plan for the housework, yard work and general up keep.  Being so lazy though I haven’t felt that it was the right time to try to get him to buy in to a plan.  My goal is to have a neater more organised home with him contributing regularly.  I feel like my complaining gets no where it’s when there is a plan that we can measure results and from there I can start to see if we need to call things quits or if there is some teamwork to be salvaged.

Money, oh how I hate to think about you.  Since I got home I have not checked my bank account.  I’m behind on several bills and just don’t want to face the music.  I know I need to also set a budget and a plan, however when I try to write things down I come up short.  I’ve decided that I’m going to pull my head out of my ass and take care of it this week.  I will come up with a plan and get his buy in and then take away his debt card (he acts like a compulsive spender).  I’ve applied for jobs on line and I will start my job search in person.  I’ll also need to talk to my phone, cable and internet providers to work the bills down.  I think I’ll pick a fight with my mortgage company to try to bring that down too. 

Maybe now that I’ve written this stuff down I can make some progress!

Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Riding Dirty…..

17 Oct

I had mentioned earlier how I feel like I don’t fit in at work conferences. Well of course I fit right in.  I had a great time.  Class went very well.  The food was good.  I closed the bar down every night and was up early and bright eyed for class.  One night 5 of us went out to a sports bar after class and drank.  We had been joking arround about signing karaoke then lo and behold it was karaoke night at the bar.  The other girl kept talking about singing I offered to go with her.  When it was clear she was not in to do it I had to make it happen.  Too much lip service to something that doesn’t get done drives me crazy.  Since they didn’t have any Pantera I chose Black Sabbath “War Pigs”.  I had a great time screaming out the song.  My group gave me a great applause.  Even though I throughly butchered the song I felt good because I made it happen.  We rode dirty back to the hotel.  I say that because the sweet little thing from a midwest branch was bumping some of the nastiest rap I’ve ever heard.  There were four of us in the back (one guy laying across all of our laps) and a big fella and the sweet little thing on his lap in the front.  She played the classic song “Gin and Juice” by Snoop Dog and we all sang along.  It was a great night. 

On the flip side the contact with my fiancé started decline with each conversation.  He was stressed out.  The boys were trying his patience and his body was bothering him.  Saying things to me like have a good time, sarcastically.  Telling my I shouldn’t go out, that I’m a sloppy drunk.  That men and women are held to different standards.  By Wednesday he was calling me names and just being mean.  Strangely perfect timing.  I hung up on him and texted back my own nastiness.  I used his poor demeanor for the reason why I was not in contact other than to tell the boys good night and that I love them.  I know it all seems so horrible but it worked.  Plus if you can count on someone to be mean to you what is really going on anyway?

State of the homefront a day before my departure…..

9 Oct

My fiancé has been extra nice to me as of late.  He also has been agonizing about how hard it will be for him to be without me for five days.  The boys are very rambunctious right now. The little one is very opinionated even defiant at times. 

My fiancé looked at me pitifully yesterday and said his knee still hurt and he was up to 12 pills.  Granted he said that at 6pm but it really freaks me out.  He said he is worried about being alone because what will happen if he has a seizure or passes out (which he has never done by the way).  I think he knows just how to play me.  I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, but when he senses that I’m becoming distant or going to go somewhere he becomes rather nice and pitiful.  

We are very low on money but all of the families needs are met so it’s not a major concern, however when I go out of town he likes to spend for entertainment to fill in the void.  Going out to the movies, going out to eat, new toys, etcetera.  Last night my Dad came over for dinner.  He has been having terrible financial trouble.  He just got caught up and has a little extra. He has been doing side work, but still has no reliable income. Even so he always wants to help.  He knows we are tight and offers us money asking how many hundreds we need.  I want him to save the money.  My fiancé has made some silly purchases lately (one is buying a broken X box trying to fix it with pennies and a couple of towels), so I tell my Dad we’ll make do.  My fiancé chimes in that we will take what ever he will give.  Knowing I’m now in a pickle I say maybe we can borrow $100 untill my next pay day.  That way they can afford to go out to dinner one of the nights I am away.  It’s so embarrassing, my Dad is always so nice and friendly with my fiancé.  I just don’t understand how he can feel ok about taking when he knows the situation. 

So tonight I pack.  I’ll coordinate for my family and some friends to visit my family while I’m away to break up my fince’s house husband monotony.  Maybe then he’ll stay off my case.  I still have not told him I don’t land back at the airport untill 7pm on Saturday meaning I won’t be home untill almost 9pm.  He will flip out.  I think if I start the fight while I’m away not being in much contact Thursday and Friday nights will work itself out.