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A plan to make a plan….

25 Oct

I’m back to a weepy insecure mess.  Last week I did very poorly on my duties around the house.  I let go of the purse strings just to have an easy week.  I keep saying in my head that one night I need to sit my fiancé down and make a plan for the housework, yard work and general up keep.  Being so lazy though I haven’t felt that it was the right time to try to get him to buy in to a plan.  My goal is to have a neater more organised home with him contributing regularly.  I feel like my complaining gets no where it’s when there is a plan that we can measure results and from there I can start to see if we need to call things quits or if there is some teamwork to be salvaged.

Money, oh how I hate to think about you.  Since I got home I have not checked my bank account.  I’m behind on several bills and just don’t want to face the music.  I know I need to also set a budget and a plan, however when I try to write things down I come up short.  I’ve decided that I’m going to pull my head out of my ass and take care of it this week.  I will come up with a plan and get his buy in and then take away his debt card (he acts like a compulsive spender).  I’ve applied for jobs on line and I will start my job search in person.  I’ll also need to talk to my phone, cable and internet providers to work the bills down.  I think I’ll pick a fight with my mortgage company to try to bring that down too. 

Maybe now that I’ve written this stuff down I can make some progress!

Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Riding Dirty…..

17 Oct

I had mentioned earlier how I feel like I don’t fit in at work conferences. Well of course I fit right in.  I had a great time.  Class went very well.  The food was good.  I closed the bar down every night and was up early and bright eyed for class.  One night 5 of us went out to a sports bar after class and drank.  We had been joking arround about signing karaoke then lo and behold it was karaoke night at the bar.  The other girl kept talking about singing I offered to go with her.  When it was clear she was not in to do it I had to make it happen.  Too much lip service to something that doesn’t get done drives me crazy.  Since they didn’t have any Pantera I chose Black Sabbath “War Pigs”.  I had a great time screaming out the song.  My group gave me a great applause.  Even though I throughly butchered the song I felt good because I made it happen.  We rode dirty back to the hotel.  I say that because the sweet little thing from a midwest branch was bumping some of the nastiest rap I’ve ever heard.  There were four of us in the back (one guy laying across all of our laps) and a big fella and the sweet little thing on his lap in the front.  She played the classic song “Gin and Juice” by Snoop Dog and we all sang along.  It was a great night. 

On the flip side the contact with my fiancé started decline with each conversation.  He was stressed out.  The boys were trying his patience and his body was bothering him.  Saying things to me like have a good time, sarcastically.  Telling my I shouldn’t go out, that I’m a sloppy drunk.  That men and women are held to different standards.  By Wednesday he was calling me names and just being mean.  Strangely perfect timing.  I hung up on him and texted back my own nastiness.  I used his poor demeanor for the reason why I was not in contact other than to tell the boys good night and that I love them.  I know it all seems so horrible but it worked.  Plus if you can count on someone to be mean to you what is really going on anyway?

State of the homefront a day before my departure…..

9 Oct

My fiancé has been extra nice to me as of late.  He also has been agonizing about how hard it will be for him to be without me for five days.  The boys are very rambunctious right now. The little one is very opinionated even defiant at times. 

My fiancé looked at me pitifully yesterday and said his knee still hurt and he was up to 12 pills.  Granted he said that at 6pm but it really freaks me out.  He said he is worried about being alone because what will happen if he has a seizure or passes out (which he has never done by the way).  I think he knows just how to play me.  I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, but when he senses that I’m becoming distant or going to go somewhere he becomes rather nice and pitiful.  

We are very low on money but all of the families needs are met so it’s not a major concern, however when I go out of town he likes to spend for entertainment to fill in the void.  Going out to the movies, going out to eat, new toys, etcetera.  Last night my Dad came over for dinner.  He has been having terrible financial trouble.  He just got caught up and has a little extra. He has been doing side work, but still has no reliable income. Even so he always wants to help.  He knows we are tight and offers us money asking how many hundreds we need.  I want him to save the money.  My fiancé has made some silly purchases lately (one is buying a broken X box trying to fix it with pennies and a couple of towels), so I tell my Dad we’ll make do.  My fiancé chimes in that we will take what ever he will give.  Knowing I’m now in a pickle I say maybe we can borrow $100 untill my next pay day.  That way they can afford to go out to dinner one of the nights I am away.  It’s so embarrassing, my Dad is always so nice and friendly with my fiancé.  I just don’t understand how he can feel ok about taking when he knows the situation. 

So tonight I pack.  I’ll coordinate for my family and some friends to visit my family while I’m away to break up my fince’s house husband monotony.  Maybe then he’ll stay off my case.  I still have not told him I don’t land back at the airport untill 7pm on Saturday meaning I won’t be home untill almost 9pm.  He will flip out.  I think if I start the fight while I’m away not being in much contact Thursday and Friday nights will work itself out.

Pre-class jitters….

9 Oct

I fly out tomorrow.  This trip is sales training.  I’ve been so nervous about the last half of my trip I’ve completely forgotten to worry about the first half.  I’m gathering reports, following trends for opportunities and trying to think of how I can balance my sales approach.  By the way I’m not in sales.

My class list shows I’ll be with some experienced folks and I don’t want to make an ass out of myself.  Most of the people I work with are papered.  They have degrees, tons of experience and well, they dress really nice.  I always feel like I’m trying to sneak in.  Reality is no one knows and no one cares.  I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling this way.

Trying to frind my way….

4 Oct

I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.  On one had I can’t imagine life without my fiancé and on the other I can’t see a good life with him.  I am talking to Tom less and less.  I know I’ll never get to be with him.  It’s just something I got myself carried away with.  I’m still so excited to see him but I think I need to tell him I just can’t do it anymore.  It breaks my heart I really feel like we could make each other happy.  He is happy he doesn’t need me for that.  I’m the sad messed up one.  I started to think if my fiance leaves me because of this trip.  If I get caught there is no turning back.

When I think of being alone I get scared.  I really don’t have many friends.  I feel like the trashy person no one wants at their parties.  I don’t think that’s true but for some reason I get so insecure.  I see a long lonely life with the people who were once friendly acquaintances not wanting to see me because of what happened with me and my fiancé.  I get so self-conscious with new people.  I feel like I’ve been in this bubble for so long I don’t know how to operate without my fiancé.  I remember having this feeling of not belonging anywhere when my fiancé and I broke up 5 or 6 years ago.

I’m so torn.  What can I tell my fiancé?  How can I work on things?  He’s already so fragile.  He says how we’re in a loveless relationship,  how I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t know if I do or if I even can love him like I used to.  The worst part is I came back to him.  Throwing myself at him.  Telling him I was a bad girlfriend not enough sex and not doing enough around the house.  I made him cum every morning for I don’t know how long when we got back together back then.  He makes me feel safe and it feels like home with him.  It’s just everything else that is fucked up.  I don’t know if anyone would accept me like he does. I don’t know what would happen with the kids, the house, the dogs, my pay check and on and on…..

A while back I said to myself I just need to put my head down and work on myself.  I think that’s what I should do.  I need; to get into shape, a better routine around the house, a secondary source of income, a better vehicle, a more organized approach to leading my little crew at work, more time with my extended family and a circle of friends.  It’s a big list.  I know I can do it.  I just need to stop making problems for myself.  I just need to put my fiancé on the back burner and have a back bone when it comes to letting him know what I need to help run this household while we’re in it together.

Donna Reed eats dollar bills…..

26 Sep

I’ve been trying to focus on my home life.  Though I can’t get Tom out of my mind I know I need to step back or something really bad will happen.  I’m not sure what really bad is but I’d rather not find out.  I was lucky enough to have a 4 day weekend and I went for it like a modern-day Donna Reed.  I cleaned, organised, did yard work and maitenence.  Made breakfast lunch and dinner every day.  Laundry, oh the laundry!  I took the boys on an awesome hike.  We had so much fun chasing frog and lizards.  We climbed and bounced on trees.  On the way home they were pooped and when we got home they could not stop talking about our adventures! 

I’ve mentioned before my Fiance has not worked for a long while and is a spender.  Well this has finally become a problem.  With his messed up knee and laundry list of medications and aliments he is unable to work and has not found any other means of supporting the family (or his spending habits).  It’s come to the point where I’m applying for a night job.  I work full time and my job has good pay but it’s still not enough.  It’s not only embarrassing to have to work a 2nd job but to say my Fiance doesn’t work and has no income leaves me open to get a lot of opinions and weird looks.  Strangely enough last time this happened ( I was pregnant) the only job that I could find was inventory for minimum wage.  I hope that is not the case this time.  Needless to say this doesn’t make it any easier to work on my relationship with him.

My regular life…..

24 Jul

Now to get the full picture I think you need this information. This is my current view of my regular life. I am the sole provider for my family of four and our two dogs. I am the main housekeeper. He doesn’t do laundry or dishes but he does cook (and cooks very well). He has not worked for going on 4 years now. I bought our house, I may call it our house but I had to take my own money for the down and even borrow some from my Mom. Before I bought a house I told him I cannot do it alone you have to keep income coming in or we cannot make it, he said he would. We have been together since high school, continuation school to be exact. When we met he worked in the mall and so did I. I worked two jobs. He was living at a friend’s house renting a room. I was still at home. We were together all the time. He would get jealous and angry when I would go out with my friends. He did have a hand in making me a better daughter. He had me calling my family instead of just disappearing for days at a time and pushed me to respect my Mom. That really got me, we fell in love. We moved out together within about a year of dating. We drank a lot, smoked a lot, tripped a lot. We went to concerts and house parties. I had the car and the driver’s license. The bills I paid for were paid on time, his got shut off, and I’d have to save us. He had spells of unemployment but I always had a job. When things got bad we moved in with my Dad. We borrowed money from my Mom. He had no drivers license. I was making more money he was staying the same. Even though we stayed in the same town, I lost contact with my friends. My life had meshed with his and I was the stable one. We broke up on two occasions mainly over his spending money on fun stuff while I had to take care of well all the real life stuff. Our last break up was about a year before we had my son. I was doing very well at work, getting into shape, getting a life of my own and playing ball with my family. From the outside it sounded like he had upgraded his life better parties, got his own place, paying his own bills. My life was good but I missed all the partying we used to do together. So we started talking, talking turned into making out and that turned into sleeping over and then we were back together. Partying like we always had until I got pregnant. At first, I didn’t mind his going out but it started to wear on me, then his spending, then lack of cleaning. Then I had the baby and I wanted to go out and it was a problem, he was controlling, he hit me and it was not the first time, he would call me names, have no regard for the bills. Then he lost his job, then he lost his unemployment, then his health got worse. He would bad mouth my family and me. He never wanted to hike, had no commitment to getting healthy, didn’t fix up the house. I just got sad. So here I am, some days can be good and I hope it will get better but in my heart, I should just know better. It probably won’t is the reality I’m stuck with. Now I have two kids stuck in it with me.

Going home…..

24 Jul

I had to rush in the morning to make it to work on time. I was flying out that afternoon so I cleared out my hotel room before I left for the office. I had to be there by 8:30am. I had lost my license the night I went dancing so I was very nervous about getting through airport security. I really wanted to see Tom again. I worked longer than I needed to because I always over do it at work. I got to the airport with plenty of time for waiting for security. I noticed my flight was delayed. I went through security anyway and you know what they sped me right through no hassle at all. I kept thinking of Tom. Now that my rental car was returned, I couldn’t meet him at his work. I kept staring at my phone thinking can I call him to come and see me at the airport. I didn’t call though. I got on my plane and thought about him the whole way home. I got all done up, sent him a picture from the air porter that was taking me to meet my fiancé and the boys. When my fiancé met me he didn’t smile, he didn’t kiss me. I kissed my boys and got into my seat. The whole way home he yelled at me and called me names. I felt so bad my kids were hearing him treat me that way. He wouldn’t stop. When we got home I found out he had spent a lot of money. The place was trashed. I had so much work to do and I had to work the next 6 days in a row. Back to my regular life.