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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

What a Christmas….

28 Dec

What a whirlwind of holiday fun.  I had taken last week off my day job and was only working nights at the toy store.  I had a great time hanging with my kids and my fiancé was being more of a help than usual.  Just like always I was tight on funds and had to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping on the 23rd when my paycheck came.  I’m not sure what my fiancé was up too that night because I was too caught up in baking.  I made a late night trip to the supermarket and did a good amount of the wrapping with him while we put Dexter on the tube. 

Christmas eve I worked untill about 5:30pm.  The boys and my fiancé delivered the cookies to our neighbors. To my surprise I came home to a clean house!  I thanked him and we were off to my Aunt and Uncles for dinner and cocktails.  I was planning on doing some drinking then finishing up all the Christmas stuff.  Well things got off track.  The boys and I had a great time at my family’s home.  I was taking shots with my Uncle and got a bit tipsy.  My Mom (also drinking) started to grill my fiancé. Basicaly giving him a hard time about the stresses that get put on me.  Well that put him in a bad mood and he wanted to go while I wanted to stay.  I’m guessing we left at about 11ish.  Things got fuzzy because, well I was drunk. 

At home I put the boys down and was snuggling them.  I might have dozed off in the chair where I read them their stories.  I remember my fiancé giving me shit about this.  I was offended so went to my room and looked up some info on my smart phone for tomorrows dinner that I would be cooking.  I again dozed off.  I don’t remember what happened but I think he stated talking shit about my Mom who I defended.  He kept going so I started in on his whole family.  Tacky I know but this always happens he starts in on my family and won’t quit untill I go to far talking about his. 

Now I’m in no mood to be around him,  I text my lover something about being drunk, miserable and that I’m looking forward to getting drunk again tomorrow.  Then a half an hour later maybe 1:30am-ish.  I text him again Merry Christmas and I love him.  Then I’m back out again.

I woke up at 6am in a panic.  I had wrapping and stockings and food to prepare and I failed it all.  I ran out to see that my fiancé had done it all (except the food stuff).  He was so upset with me he had not tried to wake me up to help after our last fight. Part of me was so relived but the guilt was so heavy on me that I had trouble sleeping. 

Everything went well.  The boys had a great time opening gifts, I got the food prepped in the morning.  My Dad and his girlfriend came over brining even more gifts for the boys.  We were over an hour late to my Mom’s where the rest of the family was waiting.  It worked out anyway and  brunch was awesome. 

 I felt a little bad because my fiancé only got a BBQ sauce kit from my Mom and StepDad.  I understood why, but it sucked to know his heart would hurt because of all this.  I also didn’t wrap his gift from me and the last-minute gift I got for the boys to give to him.  I was also supposed to wrap the gifts his Mom had mailed and I didn’t but he wrapped the Fed Ex bags so there was still a surprise for him. 

That night I handled all the cooking.  Dinner wasn’t perfect but it was still tasty.  Friends came over for cocktails. We stayed up late and drank and partied.  I’m really glad the friends came over. 

No matter how much my fiancé drives me crazy and makes my life harder than it has to be I still don’t want his heart to hurt on Christmas.  We did our best to have a nice day and night.  I think it worked out OK.  With him being the hero and setting up Christmas I’m sure I won’t hear the end of how selfish I am for not holding up my end but at least he will have the pride of knowing he pulled it off all by himself.  That’s gotta count for something.     

Hopefully this will be the last year I go into the season unprepared but I think I say that every year.  At least I got the decorating done early.

Wrecking shop like an addiction…..

7 Nov

I just had lunch with my Mom.  She helped me out with a little money.  My fiancé is out of meds we’re low on gas and we could use a few fresh veggies.  I will pay her back on my pay-day.  I gave her my good news I got a 2nd job!  I will make twenty-five cents more than minimum wage and work all night long.  It’s seasonal at a large toy retailer.  Another upside is that it give me a small discount on toys. 

 Not surprising this was not good news to her.  She is completely disgusted by the lack of help I get from my fiancé on anything financial.  She aware of his poor spending habits and how I have been a push over, not putting my foot down to change things.  We had a good talk.  She said something that made me think and reminded me of a post I read recently on Black’s Jewels (On a side note I love William’s stuff you should check him out).  She said she doesn’t come see my boys because she cannot stand to look at my fiancé.  I said how about you just take them to the park (there’s a park a block away from our house).  She said she really can’t stand to give him the break.  I have a feeling that might be part of the reason my Dad doesn’t come over much either. 

I know I need to do something I feel so trapped, without my fiance I have no child care.  Right before my job interview Sunday night we started fighting.  He is really sure that he does enough housework.  I was not able to have him make a plan as I was on a tight schedule.  Maybe we can work on it tonight.  Also the income thing, he says he was not clear that it was so dire.  I asked him what else do I have to say?  I’ve been telling him our bills exceed my income for months and that we need more income to make it.  How much more clear can I be?  I asked if he needs me to nag constantly and yell.  He of course didn’t like that a bit, I think.

Way too much info, a long story made as short as possible…..

14 Sep

I think after all my blatherings you might be curious about how this came to be.  I feel like my problems now are due to my life of borderline dysfunction.  I know it could all be worse.  As I cry to my self thinking how could I have committed my family to this fate I think back on how I got here.

I was a wild kid, smoking and drinking by the age of 11.  I lost my virginity on a bet.  The bet wasn’t to me but to a kid who had a nice body and hair but not so much in the face.  All the boys called me a whore anyway so why not like have sex.  I told him I would do it if I got half the money and I did.  I was 12.  I ran around with the “bad” kids in the neighborhood.  Pulling runners for booze and selling and smoking weed.  By 13 I had done Acid and Shrooms for the first time.  I met boys and kissed them and the ones that got me hot I fucked. 

 My best friend at about 15 was this guy he was really tall but not good-looking.  He was very spiritual and thoughtful.  He had already gone through AA and told me that the age you start doing drugs is the age you get stuck at emotionally.  I kinda thought of him as my sage.  I really looked up to him.  Eventually he became my boyfriend.  I slept at his house one night, he lived in a room in the garage of his Moms house.  I tried to have sex with him and he wouldn’t saying he wanted it to be special that now was not the right time.  We ended up breaking up because he caught me kissing another guy.  He became a pro frisbee freestyler who owns a dental lab and takes time off to travel the world. 

My Mom tried to keep me close so I was not allowed to go with the good kids who were well off enough to go to vacation homes and sking for the weekend  so all my normal friends stopped talking to me.  I was just hanging out with the other kids who stole cars, did drugs and stayed out all night. 

By 17 I’d slept with 30 guys and kissed 100.  I kept it in my diary.  By 15 I was doing speed on occasion and Xtacy.  I think what kept me from really going off the deep end and getting stuck forever was I played tournament soft ball on a team that traveled since I was 12.  I loved the traveling and independence that came with being on the road.  I also worked at a store in the mall since I was 14.  I could party all I wanted but practice, games and work were important to me.  I had to be available to work.  Sometimes I worked when I was high but I made work a priority.  School was not a priority, it was a good place to meet up with friends and get drugs.

  I got myself kicked out of school at 16 and the continuation school I went to so I could keep my work permit is where I met my Fiance.  The first year I was there we didn’t talk much.  I had a boyfriend that was 28 and I was 16.  He was a couch hopping tweaker who hung out with the Hell’s Angels.  Thinking back he might have been older and was lying to me.  We broke up.  Then I started dating a 23-year-old cook that lived with his mother his sister sold weed at my old school.  He started to gross me out.  We broke up but not before he had me do a run for him.  I drove up to his tribes reservation and drove back with 3 pounds of weed in my 1965 Mustang.  All I got out of the deal was a Marlboro box full of weed.  So here I am, my Mom always pissed at me for running arround and doing drugs.  Dating and fucking deadbeats.  Everyone thinks I’m a fuck up, I’m skating by at work and soft ball.  My parents were sick of my shit.  

I decided I wanted to start hanging out with my future Fiance.  I lured him with weed.  We hung out often.  He worked at the same mall so we took lunch together often.  He was really close with his Mom and his 3 younger sisters.  His Dad had kicked him out of the house so he was renting a room, working and going to school.  He had no car so he was taking the bus to work and school.  I thought he has things together pretty well here.  He urged me to be better to my Mom.  He didn’t tolerate speed and was always very nice to me.  He did improve my relationship with my family.  After a year of dating his landlord kicked him out.  He slept on the couch at my Moms house for 3 months and we moved out together.  Shortly after his not paying half of the bills started to be a problem.  He kept me away from my friends.  We had a lot of fun.  We had parties all the time.  After a while we just blended together.  Our friends were the guys.  Being a hard partying chick I was one of the guys.  Concerts, camping, house partys and festivals.  We were baked all the time getting fucked up almost every night.  I got my current job about 11 years ago.  We’d party untill early in the morning I’d try to get at least 2 hours to shut my eyes before going to work.  There were nights where I would go lay down and wake up to the party still going on as I was leaving for the office.  Our best buddy was a coke dealer so we’d have piles of blow, we’d drink and get high all night.  Finally it caught up with me, the same thing over and over.  The partys were never classy we were seeing some people who were really strung out some times.  My fiancé was getting mean often.  One day I told him he needed to get it together or I was leaving.  So I left. 

 I footed the bills for about 3 months.  I lived with my dad who had also gone through a break up.  I started loosing weight.  Saving money.  Not doing blow.  Drinking a lot.  I was going to a dive bar with my step-sister often.  I had kinda a crush on one of her friends.  He was a big boy, fat even but cute.  I tried my best to get him to make a move and he didn’t.  I met a dude one day at dinner with my Dad he was the chef where we were eating.  He was a high-grade large-scale grower.  We made fast friends.  I had intended to just be friends but my dreamy ways romanticize him.  He went to a lot of concerts, was an avid hiker and camper, rode a motorcycle, lived in a beautiful area on top of a mountain, he traveled often and of course grew great weed.  After seeing him for a few weeks he invited me to Hawaii.  He said he would pay for the tickets I just needed to pitch in for the house.  Him and 2 of his buddys were going to play a frisbee golf tournament that they attend yearly.  He asked me over and over and said even if we break up he would still want me to go, so I agreed.  He turned out to be boring.  He was good at oral but had trouble keeping it up.  The friends and events he said kept him busy weren’t there.  I missed being out partying.  I started to talk to my fiancé more.  I told him I was going to Hawaii and he was mad.  He needed me to bail out our buddy the coke dealer.  I gave him the $800 to get him out of the hole.  He then has his mom book him a flight home for the holidays.  The airline went under and they didn’t have the money to buy another ticket.  I footed the bill for that too.  I think January was when I went to Hawaii.  We were broken up by then I told him I didn’t love him.  I reminded him that this was just for fun and I was trouble.  He took it hard but held up his end.  We went to Hawaii and had a good time.  He slept on the floor.  One night we got fucked up and tried to fool arround and he couldn’t get it up.  Fuck that!  He was 41 he seamed healthy but I was not in for it.  I was maybe 28 at the time. 

I got back I saw my fiancé.  We talked.  Shortly after I got a DUI.  The DUI classes brought me close to his new apartment.  He worked across a field from me.  I gave him a ride some times (he still had no car).  He told me about the big houses and fancy partys he was going to.  All these new friends and made it sound like a great time.  His new place was better than anywhere we ever lived before.  It made me miss him.  I gave him a box of chocolates for Valentines day.  I got nothing.  He berated me for seeing this other guy.  He said I broke his heart.  Even though I left because he was a dead beat druggie that was often mean to me I started to fall back into a relationship with him.  Since my friends had been pushed away long ago I didn’t have my circle to hang with.  I was lonely felt like a looser.  Even my sisters fat friend didn’t want to fool arround with me.  We went to a concert together and cried about how cute our kids would have been when we got home loaded.  Before I knew it I was staying over all the time.  Partying like crazy and finally just moving in.  Before I knew it I was knocked up and we were looking for a house to buy.  He had a job, he promised he would help and I was sold.  That was 4 1/2 years ago.  He kept his job for about 6 months after I bought the home.  Hasn’t worked since.  He started partying without me since I was pregnant then a nursing Mother I would not party.  He started being mean, un helpful and having one medical issue after another.  I should have known better I blame myself for this mess.

Just like my Mom…..

28 Jul

People say you’re going to turn out like your parents. It’s something that I always shrugged off thinking no way I’m totally different. Now looking at my life and my Mom’s I’m starting to wonder if I was very wrong. My Mom I’ve heard was a bit of a party girl, of course I was a party girl. I took it way further than she did though. She met my Dad when they were young and were together since they were teenagers. Check, met my fiancé in continuation school. My Mom always worked, my Mom’s family helped them with a down payment for their first house. Same here. They had kids in their late 20’s. My Dad started not working, not helping around the house, name calling, drinking heavily and being distant. Yes, my fiancé doesn’t work, does a poor job around the house, he doesn’t drink like my Dad but he takes pills and smokes weed. After dinner he disappears untill late at night. My Mom and Dad split up when I was about 10 my little bro was about 8. Me and Tom have talked about being together, for real and our discussion was maybe not right now but who knows what will happen in 5 years or so. Guess how old my kids will be then. Right?? OK, my Mom is happily engaged to a hard-working, dedicated guy who is super nice and enjoys the outdoors and is very different from my Dad. He has been married 2x’s already. Tom’s currently on his 2nd marriage. It might all mean nothing at all, but wow it sure is weird.

My regular life…..

24 Jul

Now to get the full picture I think you need this information. This is my current view of my regular life. I am the sole provider for my family of four and our two dogs. I am the main housekeeper. He doesn’t do laundry or dishes but he does cook (and cooks very well). He has not worked for going on 4 years now. I bought our house, I may call it our house but I had to take my own money for the down and even borrow some from my Mom. Before I bought a house I told him I cannot do it alone you have to keep income coming in or we cannot make it, he said he would. We have been together since high school, continuation school to be exact. When we met he worked in the mall and so did I. I worked two jobs. He was living at a friend’s house renting a room. I was still at home. We were together all the time. He would get jealous and angry when I would go out with my friends. He did have a hand in making me a better daughter. He had me calling my family instead of just disappearing for days at a time and pushed me to respect my Mom. That really got me, we fell in love. We moved out together within about a year of dating. We drank a lot, smoked a lot, tripped a lot. We went to concerts and house parties. I had the car and the driver’s license. The bills I paid for were paid on time, his got shut off, and I’d have to save us. He had spells of unemployment but I always had a job. When things got bad we moved in with my Dad. We borrowed money from my Mom. He had no drivers license. I was making more money he was staying the same. Even though we stayed in the same town, I lost contact with my friends. My life had meshed with his and I was the stable one. We broke up on two occasions mainly over his spending money on fun stuff while I had to take care of well all the real life stuff. Our last break up was about a year before we had my son. I was doing very well at work, getting into shape, getting a life of my own and playing ball with my family. From the outside it sounded like he had upgraded his life better parties, got his own place, paying his own bills. My life was good but I missed all the partying we used to do together. So we started talking, talking turned into making out and that turned into sleeping over and then we were back together. Partying like we always had until I got pregnant. At first, I didn’t mind his going out but it started to wear on me, then his spending, then lack of cleaning. Then I had the baby and I wanted to go out and it was a problem, he was controlling, he hit me and it was not the first time, he would call me names, have no regard for the bills. Then he lost his job, then he lost his unemployment, then his health got worse. He would bad mouth my family and me. He never wanted to hike, had no commitment to getting healthy, didn’t fix up the house. I just got sad. So here I am, some days can be good and I hope it will get better but in my heart, I should just know better. It probably won’t is the reality I’m stuck with. Now I have two kids stuck in it with me.