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Still torn….

20 Feb

Yesterday Tom texted me that he was riding his bike to work to get in better shape for our summer vacation.  I hoped he ment me and him but since we had nothing planned yet I wondered if it was a vacation he and his wife were taking together.  When he got done with his little five mile ride he called me out of breath.  After we talked for a little bit I asked if it was a vacation for him and I.  Of course it was.  He said he was all sweaty and cold and needed to get cleaned up to go into work.  It was 33 degrees and sprinkling.  I think that’s so hot and I told him so. 

I’m counting down.  Ten days until my lover will be in my neck of the woods.  With his wife and her sister and maybe her brother will be with him.  He still doesn’t have a plan to break away.  I have two days off and I don’t know which one I will need to use to drive to the city to meet him for an hour or two or more?  I’m tempted to pay for the ladies to get mani-pettis so I can steal a bit of his time. 

I know I’ve said it before but the lowred contact makes me wonder if he still has the same feelings for me.  Then he’ll get on the phone with me and tell me how amazing I am and how he wants to hold me.  He left me the cutest voice mail message saying he wanted to get behind me and squeeze my titties while he fucked me.  I still have it saved for a rainy day, listening to it always makes me smile.  He sent me a picture of his cock recently and my responce was it makes me want him to shove it inside of me.  It always amazes me that my doubt is erased by contact with him.  He really makes me melt.

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How does he do it?….

9 Feb

He’s not my knight in shining armor.  He’s not going to run to me if I end up breaking up my family.  He’s not even sure how he find a way to spend time with me.  Something about him makes me happy and freaking horny.

Yesterday I had a great time.  My fiancé had an oppertunity to make money in the city and took off early in the day.  I took the day off of work.  The boys and I went out to the park, to lunch, to the library, to the dentist (they really liked the dentist) and back home for naps. 

After I got them down I tried to make contact with Tom.  I sent a few texts nothing out of the ordinary.  He tried to send me a picture (remember he’s growing a beard and giving me beard updates) and it wasn’t sending.  He also had gotten off work and got home before I could get free.  At home he was no longer alone so we couldn’t talk. 

 I sent him a note that maybe I’ll get a nice surprise later with his picture.  He sends “Are you OK?” Then right after, “You sound somber.”  I kept it vague.  How can you explain in text what’s weighing on my mind?  He then sent me a series of responses that had me laughing out loud. 

I can’t wait to talk to him again.  Last time we spoke I had to leave the conversation too quick while he was venting about the frustrations in his life.  Work trumped my phone time.  I felt bad and he understood.  He texted me after we hung up how much he loves me and that my voice was still ringing in his ears.  I think no matter what happens we will be friends. We’ve shared with eachother things we don’t share with others.  There is a bond between us that I’ve shared with very few people.

Some tears, some cheers and Gomez…..

1 Oct

I was sad to say that after that shitty day Tom was not able to talk to me that night.  He did call me first thing in the morning when I got into my office.  He asked if everything was OK and I gave him the short version, ” My fiancé was being a dick”.  I was alone in the office so I had some time to talk.  He said all the nice things I needed to hear, how I deserve better and my fiancé doesn’t know how lucky he is.  He brought up how men from the South tend to treat their women better.  He said there’s something about being raised Southern.  Having him be so nice and saying those things alluding to it’s just not something in him to treat a lady like my fiancé treats me some times.  Well it got me all choked up.  I just said you’re wife’s a lucky lady before I lost my voice for a second.  He said a few nice things, telling me I have him to, but I don’t.  He could hear me crying. I couldn’t stop it.  He said something about deserving more and all I could say was it’s my fault. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. I said I’m sorry some times talking to you makes me sad and that I had to go.  My co-workers will be at the office soon and I need to get myself together.  He told me he loves me and got off the phone reluctantly.

My manager came in and called me into his office.  He felt bad on how he had relayed the issues with the client that has trouble working with me. I let him know I need to hear it.  How else will I get better?  We talked a little longer about my progress. How when he leaves I will seamlessly get promoted into his job and how I’m so much further ahead that he was at my age.  It was good to hear. He also said that the training class I’m taking in about a week will help me with how to work these customers better.  I told him I think talking to the client in person will help so I made plans to go the next day to call on her at her location.  He was proud of me taking the initiative and putting myself in the line of fire.  All things said this customer is a notorious bitch.

I talked to Tom on my lunch.  I was able to be fun and collected then.  He had sent me a text shortly after we hung up telling me he was worried about me and to make sure I was OK and that I had stopped leaking.  I found that odd because I had refered to my crying as leaking as well when I wrote my last post the night before.  It was a reference to a TV show that had been canceled years ago 3rd Rock from the Sun.  Who would have thought!  We laughed and talked about how excited we are to see each other.  I let him know his ex-supervisor had send a friend request to me on Facebook but I thought it was a farce.  the man’s profile said he’d just left his wife foreclosed his home was moving in with his new girlfriend who is a hottie from the store where he works and that his hobbies include ruining his sons and his wife’s lives and cheating on his wife.  Weird right?  Well come to find out some one was just doing that to him.  Faked a profile and was friending every woman that seemed to be arround the poor bastard.  Made me think how easy it would be for anyone to do that to anyone.  Kinda scary!

I had tickets for a Gomez show that night.  (I’m curious if anyone else has heard of this band because they are from South Port and no one I know seems to have heard of them) So I spoke with my fiancé to see if he still wanted to come.   It was a dry conversation to say the least but he did say he wanted to come and he was going to be helpful in getting the boys ready.  Even better he was going to drive and the show was in an outdoor amphitheater at a brewery.  After work we packed up in the car like a happy little family and went to the show.  The boys were angels the first act was boring!  The boys were attracting attention everywhere.  A few songs into the Gomez set I felt like dancing so I took the boys down with me and we danced like no one was watching.  My two year old has some impressive dance moves and even found a little girl about his age to dance with!  We had blast and my fiancé was nice even though he didn’t like the music and he was still upset with me.

I think I’m always avoiding confrontation.  I need to find a way to step up.  Something’s got to change.  Iwas so sure that I wouldn’t be able to live with him, but now it’s a maybe.  There are so many maybe if I, or maybe it’s the meds or the money problems or our young boys, or my affair with Tom.  So many things to sort out and I just want to feel loved and appreciated I feel like it all rides on me.  Maybe that’s my answer.

And it was love……

24 Jul

I was infatuated with Tom.  I couldn’t get him out of my mind.  He would say cute things when I sent sexy pictures, that he is falling for my wicked ways and I think I’m in love.  I’d try to brush them off even though his words got me excited (does he really love me?).  I was worried if I admit I love him then what next?  How can I love him and not be with him?  Is it the idea of me that he loves?  The potential to get hurt goes up ten fold when love is involved. One day we were texting and I commented on a picture he posted (it looked crazy). He had said in a text that the picture was crazy looking, some time had gone by before I replied.  He had lost track of our conversation. I said yeah it does look crazy.  He commented something back and I replied, “Hey you said it first.”.  He went, “Said what?” and wanted me to say “it”.  We goofed off and I pressed him to say “it”. I was pretty sure I knew where this was going but didn’t want to say “it” first. He told me he loved me.  I let him know I loved him back.  At the next opportunity he hid somewhere at work and we said I love you over the phone.  We both got chills, it felt like the words were magic.

I was getting in deeper than I thought…..

24 Jul

I would talk to him on my lunch breaks or sneak away from my house late at night, send text messages. The everyday stuff he does, always working on something around the house, fixing cars, painting, helping others and doing housework all made my fiancé pale in comparison. He had lived in amazing places I’d only dreamed of visiting. He has friends all over. Lovers that he would buy plane tickets to see. He tours with the band and seen a bunch of amazing shows going back stage at many of them. Skateboarding, off roading, snowboarding, camping, biking….he seemed to be all about hard work, adventure and passion. He talked about being with several girls at once. Making out with girls that had crushes on him. It all sounds like so much fun. I love girls, I love adventure and the more he told me I started to realize I love him. I kept telling myself it’s just the idea of him I’m falling for, but I could tell I was lying.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him…..

24 Jul

Now back home all I can think of his how good Tom made me feel. I was so turned on by our encounter I just had to talk to him. There was a chance he would be coming with the band to a town near me. He had not contacted me and I know he was to send me an album from the band. About a week after I was back home I sent him a text message asking what his favorite chick bands were. He sent me a message back and that opened the door for us to talk. I’m not sure what we started talking about but we talked about how exciting that night was. How interested we were in each other and how it would be great to see each other when the band came to my area. Even if it ment sneaking away from my fiancé to steal a kiss with Tom in a bathroom at the venue where the band would play. We started to talk more regularly and started to talk about everyday stuff. The more I talked to him the more I wanted to know about him. I couldn’t imagine where this would go but I couldn’t stop thinking about him either.