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Sexuality rant….

2 Feb

Sometimes I wonder if society’s mores have stifled me as a sexually charged person.  The have forced part of me to exist in the shadows and made me inclined to feel ashamed of what I enjoy doing.  I think back and the curvey body I developed early had my class mates being demeaning to me early on.  Though I had had one kiss and one “boyfriend” by 7th grade I was called a whore and a slut.  There was no way for them to know but I’d already started coming in to my sexuality looking at Playboys and Hustler mags at the family’s home where I babysat after the children had gone to sleep.  Masturbating with the shower massager at home when no one was around. 

When I chose a less than romantic way to be deflowerd it didn’t seem to me like such a big deal.  I already had a reputation.  A few more encounters and I was able to find extreme pleasure being with another person.  Even though sex was a regular part of my life I didn’t talk about it with anyone, anyone at all. I guess I should say outside of the people at the womans clinic.  I went often to get checked and to get birth control.  My mother never knew. 

My fiancé and I met in school.  We had been together a whole year before I chose to pursue him.  I was falling out of lust with a 25 year old man I was seeing at the time I was 17. I got my future finances attention by inviting him to cut school and smoke weed.  We waited an entire week before making love.  I surprised him, I don’t remember how it started but I do remember pinning him down and riding him until I came.  He hadn’t been with someone so forward with their own pleasure before. 

After being together for a while he found my vibrator I had bought it when I was 15.  I walked down to the Adult Book store on the outskirts of town and bought it cash.  I was so embarrassed when he found it.  Again why should someone be shy about fulfilling their sexual needs?  Not to long after he found my diary.  It had accounts of my adventures sexual and otherwise.  The back the the list of all the 100 boys and men I’d kissed and the 30 I’d fucked.  He destroyed it while I was in the shower.  He was very unhappy that I had such a past.  I was very upset, to this day I’m upset about him destroying my memories bad or good they were mine and I wrote them for a reason.

I for a long time felt un-loveable.  That only the good girls deserved real love that I had to take what I could get.  Keeping my secrets to feel a little more normal.  When my future fiancé told me how disappointed he was, that I was a whore and the people I chose to sleep with were disgusting.  I took it hard.  Sure they weren’t the best of the best but I had found beauty in them and I enjoyed myself with them.  We moved forward but it still is something he will throw in my face when it suits him.  I’m just a whore.  A whore who was faithful to him always, until now.  My question to him is how dirty are you to stay with someone you think of like that.

Would it all have gone differently if someone had told me wanting to have sex is normal and to choose wisely and be discreet but not ashamed? Was I destined to be different? Am I different or is everyone else hung up because that is what the group chooses is right for everyone?  When I tell any one about this that has young girls they are shocked.  Better to find out early and help than have to clean up later right?  I’m reading so many blogs that are exploring sexuality in many diffrent ways.  Thank you to all of you for putting your pleasure out there.

Aside

What’s good for the body is not always good for the mind…..

31 Jan

I’ve been fantasizing about –

My lover fucking me on the hood of my car in the city

Watching him jack off while I masturbate until he can’t resist entering me

Pleasuring a woman while he touches me

Watching him with another woman

Him pulling my hair while giving it to me from behind

Riding him in the back seat of my car

Fucking me from behind in the shower

So, needless to say, I’m fucking horny and have no one to play with.

In a moment of desperation while fighting with my fiancé I put an add up on an adult meet up sight.  Maybe to have some shameless text flirting, maybe a cup of coffee on my lunch break, just maybe to fuck.  Throwing caution to the wind and going where my hormones take me.  Well an hour after I did it it didn’t seem like that much fun.  Plus I wondered with these unusual circumstances if I’d meet anyone of substance.  So I canceled it, I did get 3 flirts, but couldn’t read them because I didn’t want to pay the $10 fee.

Recently in a phone conversation with my lover, Tom, I mentioned how I’m so fucking horny but I don’t want it from my fiancé.  He apologised and I assured him it’s not really him that’s doing it.  It’s my feelings towards my fiancé. 

Later I texted Tom this message: I’ve started thinking where can I meet a guy that I can fuck on days like today, all alone, big empty office….  Bars, adult friend finder, Ashley Madison…  All that comes to mind is I’ll meet some smarmy bastard who couldn’t hold a candle to you.  Don’t feel bad that youve ruined me for my fiancé…  Feel bad that you’ve skewed my perspective for any other men I might meet….and that you can’t come fuck me today.

It was a series of texts but it got the point across.  He sent me back the details of how he would pleasure me if he was able to come be with me while I worked all alone and it was fucking hot.  Ruined my panties for the day hot, he gets me so wet.

I’m in a strange situation.  I love him, I want him, I really like him and I know now I can never have him.  He’s not the super hot guy that you just lust after and want nothing else to do with.  Don’t get me wrong he’s handsome and has a lovely body but I like him for more than that.  Since we’ve talked so much I like him on a long-term, good friend….gosh I hate to say it… husband level….but since I know it won’t happen I struggle with why I’m doing this to myself and possibly to him.

Lonely pillow humping…..

7 Nov

I woke up so horny I was practically humping my pillow.  I thought for a second I would wake my fiancé.  On second thought it’s not what I wanted.  I can be very particular.  I hardly smoke but when I want to if it’s not a Marlboro Red I’ll pass.  So you can see my craving was for something completely different than the sleeping person next to me could provide.

I started to think of Tom’s kisses.  His hands on my body.  He makes me melt.  I start touching myself just rubbing my legs and all around my pussy.  Thinking of his breath on my neck.  Rembering riding his cock while he looped a pillowcase around my neck .  My fingers are playing with my lips, teasing my clit.  I can feel my nipples are tight.  My body missing him inside of me.  I think back to him on top of me thrusting hard as I climax.  Panting, rubbing myself fast, my body tensing up and then warm relaxation washes over me. 

I hug my pillow again and wonder how long can this last.  How can I just keep wanting him when I know he can’t be mine?  How long before I can see him again?  I don’t even text him I know he and his wife have the day off together.  I wait and hope he’ll find a way to talk to me, I work today.  I’ll be alone in my office all day.  Distracted by him.  Wanting something I can’t have.