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What’s good for the body is not always good for the mind…..

31 Jan

I’ve been fantasizing about –

My lover fucking me on the hood of my car in the city

Watching him jack off while I masturbate until he can’t resist entering me

Pleasuring a woman while he touches me

Watching him with another woman

Him pulling my hair while giving it to me from behind

Riding him in the back seat of my car

Fucking me from behind in the shower

So, needless to say, I’m fucking horny and have no one to play with.

In a moment of desperation while fighting with my fiancé I put an add up on an adult meet up sight.  Maybe to have some shameless text flirting, maybe a cup of coffee on my lunch break, just maybe to fuck.  Throwing caution to the wind and going where my hormones take me.  Well an hour after I did it it didn’t seem like that much fun.  Plus I wondered with these unusual circumstances if I’d meet anyone of substance.  So I canceled it, I did get 3 flirts, but couldn’t read them because I didn’t want to pay the $10 fee.

Recently in a phone conversation with my lover, Tom, I mentioned how I’m so fucking horny but I don’t want it from my fiancé.  He apologised and I assured him it’s not really him that’s doing it.  It’s my feelings towards my fiancé. 

Later I texted Tom this message: I’ve started thinking where can I meet a guy that I can fuck on days like today, all alone, big empty office….  Bars, adult friend finder, Ashley Madison…  All that comes to mind is I’ll meet some smarmy bastard who couldn’t hold a candle to you.  Don’t feel bad that youve ruined me for my fiancé…  Feel bad that you’ve skewed my perspective for any other men I might meet….and that you can’t come fuck me today.

It was a series of texts but it got the point across.  He sent me back the details of how he would pleasure me if he was able to come be with me while I worked all alone and it was fucking hot.  Ruined my panties for the day hot, he gets me so wet.

I’m in a strange situation.  I love him, I want him, I really like him and I know now I can never have him.  He’s not the super hot guy that you just lust after and want nothing else to do with.  Don’t get me wrong he’s handsome and has a lovely body but I like him for more than that.  Since we’ve talked so much I like him on a long-term, good friend….gosh I hate to say it… husband level….but since I know it won’t happen I struggle with why I’m doing this to myself and possibly to him.

Tango without touching….

25 Sep

I saw my love today! On video chat with our phones. It was so nice to see his smile. After a bit of technical blundering on my part, I had wired my PC wrong so we had to use an inferior program on our smart phones. We were both low on charge so each of us had a wire tethering our phones. We had planned this because we are rarely lucky enough to be alone at home at the same time. I made quick call to let Tom know our Skype plans had been downgraded to Tango. When he appeared he was already naked in bed. I still had my bra and skirt on we smiled at each other for a bit. It’s nice to see him so happy staring back at me. He gave me a quick shot of his cock. He was already hard. I gave him a little show squeezing my boobs making my cleavage pop. Running my hand my down my neck and on to my breasts, rubbing the soft flesh. He’s telling me how amazing my boobs are as I’m taking off my bra. I hide my nipples behind my hand making him wait a bit longer for a good look. He gives me a shot of his stong hand stroking his cock. I tell him how much I want to take him into my mouth as my hand slides a way from my breasts and my finger slides between my lips. I give it a little bite and flash a naughty smile. I play with my breast as I reposition myself so I can slide my panties off. Laying naked on my back legs falling open I run my right hand down my body. The camera looking down from my viewpoint. I rub myself just a little. I slide my finger inside of my wet pussy and then bring it back up to my mouth sucking off my juices. He tells me he’s jealous and can’t wait to taste me again. He’s stroking his hard on faster. I squeeze my bare beast again.  They are more than a handful, my soft flesh busting out of my gripping fingers.  I bring the camera down between my legs and give him a quick look as I pass my hand over my shaved pussy.  I press my hand against the warm flesh teasing him, making him wait for the view he wants.  I run my finger through my lips to part them and then follow them up to my clit and give it a rub as he stares into my wetness.  He gets this great intense look on his face.  He tells me how perfect my pussy is.  I spread my lips and give him a great view of the bright pink flesh inside of me.  I penetrate myself with my middle finger.  I can hear the excitement as he tells me he can’t wait to be inside of me again.  He’s stroking his cock hard now.  I can tell he’s close to cumming.  I pull out the blue vibrator he picked out for me and lick it.  Then I take it farther into my mouth.  I press it on my clit and rub it up and down my lips before entering.  I am so hot for him.  Having that cock in me feels so good.  I tell him how I wish it was his warm flesh inside of my body.  I work the vibrator in and out.  Rubbing my clit.  I see his head pitch back and hear his breath change.  I know he’s about to cum.  Now I’m the one staring into the camera waiting for him to cum.  I continue to give him a show while he works over his beautiful cock.  I feel so excited when he starts to cum.  Triumphant, like I’ve won the prize. Mesmerized by his pleasure and his juices.  As he cleans up I finish up.  We go back to staring at each other.  I’ve wrapped my self around a pillow and he’s telling me he wishes he could be holding me.  I long to feel my flesh pressed against his.  He tells me he loves me.  It always gives me the chills when I can see him when he says it.  I hear something in my kitchen.  I tell him I have to run.

Orgasm and a movie….

16 Sep

Last night I thought I would have a chance to Skype with my love.  I have not seen him since July maybe a picture or two via text.  I think maybe a minute on Tango before we lost connection.  Either way I was excited to see his smile as we talked.  When we’ve Skyped before he’d lean in close to the camera and I’d get butterflies.  It felt like the moment right before a kiss.  Of of course I’d give him a little strip tease and talk sexy to him.  He’d jack off for me.  I love seeing him touching his gorgeous cock.  It looks so meaty and enticing on camera.  Needless to say I was very disappointed to find out my fiancé was not leaving that night.  I let Tom know so he would not be waiting for me.  Then my chance came my fiancé left it was late but I tried to see if Tom was up.  He wasn’t responding he was either asleep or not alone.  Since I was thinking about him I went to my room and laid down on the bed.  Looked at some pictures he has sent me.  Started to caress my breasts.  I was wet already just thinking of him, he just has some weird power over me like that.  I rubbed the vibrator he picked out for me against myself.  Touching it to my thighs and lips before moving it up to my clit.  Thinking about his hands on my skin, his mouth on my neck, his body pressing against mine.  I glide the vibrator along the wetness of my lips.  Teasing my clit one more time before pressing the tip of the soft blue cock through my lips.  Slowly working it up and down.  I started to take pictures of the vibrator sliding in and out of my wet pussy.  After a few shots I put my phone down and started to rub my clit while I worked the vibrator in and out.  Wishing my lover was the one holding my toy.  Wishing it was him inside me about to cum.  I lost myself in my fantasy while a gave myself a great orgasm.  Afterwards I sent a picture or two to my love to let him know I was thinking about him.  I was still alone and still longing to be with Tom.  He had told me about a movie Everything Illuminated.  I found it on Netflix streaming and watched it.  I laughed out loud and felt a little closer to him seeing the things he had told me about.  Hearing the music of Gogol Bordello in the movie (he had also turned me on to that band).  It made me feel closer to him.  When I laughed out loud I felt like he would be laughing with me.  When I went to sleep I hoped he would come meet me in my dreams.

Beating it to a diffrent drum…..

9 Sep

Tom used to send me texts, describing in detail what he wanted to do to me.  His storeys were so sexy that I’d be so wet for him.  So horny it was hard to walk.  I couldn’t wait untill I had a minute to masturbate to the picture he’d paint for me.  Sadly they have not been coming.  Our time together was hot.  Thinking of him going down on me or waking him up by putting his cock in my mouth still turn me on but without him playing along it’s not the same.  He talked about how hot it was when we fucked behind a building outside but he didn’t go on like he used to.  He had recently said his kid visiting then leaving has had him feeling off.  I can respect that but I still wonder.  I want to ask him but when we’ve talked lately it’s been at work or a short conversation.  He always has a lot to say but we talk about every day stuff more often now.  The other day he texted me to check out this video on the web.  It was hot, this chick was in a device that held her in half, feet over her head and an anonymous person flogged her and pleasured her.  Today when I got off the phone with him he let me know he was going to masturbate.  I like it when he does.  He’s sent me video of him stroking himself, done it for me on Skype and when he would tell me about masturbating it was usually to pictures of me ( I’ve sent him way too many pictures) but this time it felt weird.  I think if he was still telling me those sexy storeys and telling me how much I turn him on it would be different.  Maybe things have changed and this is the right time to take a break, talk less and stuff.  I don’t know but I want to have at least an hour to talk to him when I bring it up.  It’s so weird to have a long distance love affair.  I don’t know how to handle myself.  I was kinda hoping that with time things would change but his kid left two weeks ago.  How long should I wait?  Maybe the universe is steering me away from him.  On a side note, tried to masturbate today thinking of Tom and my fiancé came home!  Didn’t finish so I wore my Benwa Balls to work today.  Kinda exciting!  When I told Tom he said he likes it when I have them in because then he knows I’m thinking of him.  I told him I’m always thinking of him.  Hmmm…..maybe playing a little harder to get would work.  I’ve never been one to play things a certain way to get what I want but I’ve never been a cheater and had a long distance love affair either.

Can we make a date to…..

30 Aug

I talked to Tom today.  He had to be quick because he was calling from his “real phone”.  He bought a throw away phone to talk to me so the calls will not show up on the bill since his wife pays the wireless bill.  The minutes he bought had expired but he wanted to say he loves me so he called.  Right before he called I was staring at my calendar thinking of dates.  I would love to have an entire week with him.  The only times I can have a valid excuse for leaving for leaving are weekdays.  On weekdays I can say I’m on a trip for work.  I threw out some dates.  His buddy is his cover so he said he would talk with him and let me know.  We made plans to talk again after work.  Before his kid came to visit we talked 2x’s daily almost religiously.  On my lunch and at night when I walked the dogs.  Now it’s so unpredictable.  His kid is back with his ex now, but his new work hours seem to be where we are not matching up.  Now after our meeting I am so attached to him I am having these insecure feelings when he doesn’t contact me as much as he used to.  Even though I keep thinking we need to be in contact less I still want more.  The other day I woke up craving him.  I wanted him on top of me, inside of me, trusting upward like he would pick me up with his cock.  I know weird to be so specific but everything in me wanted it just like that.  I got out my vibrator and tried to satisfy myself but it was no substitute for warm flesh.  The feeling of his hands on me.  Him kissing me, enjoying me.  Before Tom and I had sex I could be horny for him and fuck my fiancé imaging it was Tom.  Now it’s so different it doesn’t work.  We’ve only had sex two times since I’ve returned from my trip with Tom.  Though I keep thinking I need to try to work things out with my fiancé I can’t find those sexy feelings I need to want him.  Because of his surgery (back in late 2010) he can’t be on top of me.  The lack of ability has really put a damper on things as well.  He also has gotten bigger since surgery so when I am on top it’s hard to work it.  When I think about sex I think about Tom and pleasure myself.  I have several videos of Tom jerking off (what can I say I’m weird).  I love watching his meaty cock in his hands.  I get wet just thinking about it.  I used by vibrator and came hard 3x’s while my fiancé went to run errands and the kids were napping.  I also got a shit ton of housework done.  I still have not found the right balance to function normally and still have Tom be as much as a part of my life as possible under the circumstances.

Caught in the middle…….

10 Aug

It’s beyond just sex.  He still turns me on so much but I want him in my life every day.  I keep thinking when we are not in touch that I need to cut things off.  I need to say to him let’s not talk as often.  You live your life I’ll live mine, untill it implodes, then I’ll come looking for you.  Maybe then you can come to me.  This weirdness in the middle is too much for me to take.  I’m tearing up now as I write this.  I tear up all day as I think about how much I would like to live a different life.  So I think over and over we can be friends call each other when we miss each other but then I get him on the phone.  Last night we got to talk.  He said how much he missed me, talked about his vacation and what he’s working on around the house.  I caught him up on my work and how things are going for me.  We barely talked about sex.  We talked about meeting up again.  I keep wanting to tell him that maybe this is too much for me.  It would be so much easier if it was just sex.  Don’t get me wrong I got off thinking about him twice this morning.  As we were getting off the phone last night we were talking about how much we enjoyed each other, but I want more.  How can I tell him without freaking him out.  Who needs a possessive lover 700 miles away.  I wish I could find the right words, the right time maybe I could tell him. 

On the home front my fiancé is still as lazy as ever.  He is depressed, he is begging for my attention but is often, short with me, rude and demeaning.  Have you ever been with some one that complains every day when they wake up.  It’s killing me!  He calls me to ask what to do with the kids every other day.  He calls me to ask what to make for dinner every other day.  His job is to stay home and take care of the kids and house.  Why is this so hard?  I wish I could be a home maker.  Don’t get me wrong I like my work, I’ve always liked working but now I just want to show him there is a better way.  I’m so ready to call Tom and say hey just drop everything and come be a student and live with me.  He is close to getting a degree but he works full-time so it’s taking longer than if he could just concentrate on his studys.  I’m dragging along someone who makes more of a mess than progress in my home.  Why not just put the kids in pre-school and then they would have activities and interaction all day.  My house would not get messed up all day long for me to come home and try to clean.  I need to do it myself.  If it is to be it is up to me, right?

He gets me so turned on……

27 Jul

Tom and I have not gotten to talk as much since he went back home. What we have had has been short and under different circumstances than our usually conversations. Last night I went out for a night conversation like we to have almost religiously. We talked about some everyday stuff but when we started talking about sex I got that feeling. Like a shot of energy that shoots up from my pussy giving my whole body tingle. He said how much he wants to fuck me again. How he loved when I sucked his cock. I was sitting and got up to walk some more and the movement of walking was exciting me. I was so turned on I got weak in the knees. I’m getting wet now just thinking about the sound of his voice and the sexy things he says to me.

 Last night I knew he was jerking off thinking of me. I love that. I’m like his centerfold, so sweet and so hot. I however didn’t have the opportunity to pleasure myself untill the next morning. I woke up still thinking about him (I feel like I’m always thinking about him). I took the vibrator that he picked out for me and closed my eyes, imaging it was Tom inside of me and came. Then I used my hands and came again before dozing off for another 15 minutes or so. I took some pictures and sent them to him, knowing he was at work and he would have a hard on while on the sales floor. That turned me on more and I had to cum one more time before taking a shower. I don’t know when I can see him again but I want him so bad. The way he talked to me last night I know he wants me too.