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Will this be the end?

5 Oct

In a week I’ll be in my lovers arms.  Maybe for the last time.  I’m starting to question if this trip is even a good idea.  I was so excited I missed that my dates were off.  Tom wants to take me to an amazing place he has been telling me about since we first met and I’m so excited to go with him the only problem is there is no cell service. 

I am planning to tell him I’m just not cut out for this.  That I want to be with him. I’m feeling jealous and that is weird for me. That the lowered contact hurts my confidence.  He has been a great friend.  He’s an interesting person who I love talking to.  I would love to stay in contact with him.

I still have not asked Tom much about his wife.  I wonder how they met.  How they fell in love.  Did he always have other girls on the side he fooled arround with or was there any point where it was just his wife.  His one and only.  It blows my mind he has only been in that town for 5 maybe 6 years now.  They’ve been married for three.  Doing the math makes me wonder.  I wonder if he will get board with his life there and look to move and make another life.  Maybe one closer to me.  I still can’t get the idea that maybe we can be together someday out of my head.  I think I need to though.

So my trip, with all this going on in my head you might ask why am I still going on this trip.  

  1. I’m fucking horny.
  2. I want to tell him this stuff in person.
  3. I need an adventure.  

Jealous….Who, me?

25 Jul

I’m not the jealous type. I’m kinda pretty and have big boobs and nice curves. What guy wouldn’t want me (said with a half cocked smile)? On top of it I like girls. If a hot girl is hitting on my man I’m in there trying to see if she likes me too! I have had more than one person ask how I keep from being jealous. So now I have this weird situation. Tom is very good with the ladies. I find that very attractive. I get turned on thinking of these things but I also have a new and different feeling that is coming along with it, jealousy. I think it’s because they can be with him, those women are there with him. His storeys become kinda bitter-sweet. If I could just get my hands on him more frequently I think would be only sweet and possibly really hot! I don’t want him to change a thing other than being so far away.

My regular life…..

24 Jul

Now to get the full picture I think you need this information. This is my current view of my regular life. I am the sole provider for my family of four and our two dogs. I am the main housekeeper. He doesn’t do laundry or dishes but he does cook (and cooks very well). He has not worked for going on 4 years now. I bought our house, I may call it our house but I had to take my own money for the down and even borrow some from my Mom. Before I bought a house I told him I cannot do it alone you have to keep income coming in or we cannot make it, he said he would. We have been together since high school, continuation school to be exact. When we met he worked in the mall and so did I. I worked two jobs. He was living at a friend’s house renting a room. I was still at home. We were together all the time. He would get jealous and angry when I would go out with my friends. He did have a hand in making me a better daughter. He had me calling my family instead of just disappearing for days at a time and pushed me to respect my Mom. That really got me, we fell in love. We moved out together within about a year of dating. We drank a lot, smoked a lot, tripped a lot. We went to concerts and house parties. I had the car and the driver’s license. The bills I paid for were paid on time, his got shut off, and I’d have to save us. He had spells of unemployment but I always had a job. When things got bad we moved in with my Dad. We borrowed money from my Mom. He had no drivers license. I was making more money he was staying the same. Even though we stayed in the same town, I lost contact with my friends. My life had meshed with his and I was the stable one. We broke up on two occasions mainly over his spending money on fun stuff while I had to take care of well all the real life stuff. Our last break up was about a year before we had my son. I was doing very well at work, getting into shape, getting a life of my own and playing ball with my family. From the outside it sounded like he had upgraded his life better parties, got his own place, paying his own bills. My life was good but I missed all the partying we used to do together. So we started talking, talking turned into making out and that turned into sleeping over and then we were back together. Partying like we always had until I got pregnant. At first, I didn’t mind his going out but it started to wear on me, then his spending, then lack of cleaning. Then I had the baby and I wanted to go out and it was a problem, he was controlling, he hit me and it was not the first time, he would call me names, have no regard for the bills. Then he lost his job, then he lost his unemployment, then his health got worse. He would bad mouth my family and me. He never wanted to hike, had no commitment to getting healthy, didn’t fix up the house. I just got sad. So here I am, some days can be good and I hope it will get better but in my heart, I should just know better. It probably won’t is the reality I’m stuck with. Now I have two kids stuck in it with me.