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When I daydream……

2 Aug

Some times I daydream I think about how it would be to live with Tom.  How nice it would be to snuggle on the couch with him.  Exploring all the different beautiful places to hike and swim all around this area.  How I would have a lawn in my back yard and maybe Pergo floors like I’ve wanted for years.  I could be excited about the future again knowing I had someone who is willing to work as hard if not harder than I to get what they want.  I really think with someone like him around it would bring my “game” up a notch.  He has a boat and likes to be outside.  Our weekends would be full of adventures.  He likes a variety of music I think we would have fun going to different shows together.  He knows how to fix stuff, I think that is so sexy.  I would love to get greasy with him fixing up an old hot rod or motorcycle. 

Now all these wonderful things would make for a rosy life.  My only problem is I cannot see how my kids will fit in with Tom.  Maybe it’s to early or maybe it’s because it’s just not ment to be.  He has said before that he likes kids and kids like him but who wants to step in and start to live with another persons little kids.  So maybe it’s selfish of me to think about being with Tom.  Could my desires not be fair to my kids?  If it did work, if they clicked he would totally enrich their lives.  All those things I love about him would be great examples for them.  A dedicated hard-working loving husband is not something they see much of.  Don’t get me wrong my fiancé is affectionate sometimes but he doesn’t do much to contribute to the family.  They will not be learning work ethic from their Dad that’s for sure. 

All this makes me think of my Dad.  When I was really little he had jobs working in construction and in lumber yards.  I remember visiting his work and being impressed by the framed out houses and half built structures.  The large stack of wood and the huge forklifts, cranes and the heavy machines to fix the wood.  At home I remember him working on cars and building an elaborate fort for us.  Pouring concrete and fixing things.  Camping and fishing.  He was a man’s man before he lost his drive.  My kids won’t have those memories.  They will remember their Mom doing most of the work.  They hopefully wont remember the dirt patch that is my back yard but they might.  They will remember Dad spending time with them, playing guitar and cooking for them.  I hope they wont remember the names he calls me and how much we fight about me needing him helping out. 

Now with all this thought out maybe it would be better for Tom to be there, but would it be fair to Tom.  Maybe this is my wake up call.  Stop daydreaming, make the life you need your kids to have a reality yourself.  A strong Mom might be all those sweet little kids need to be strong adults.  If I have to tow along my fiancé, a glorified babysitter, then so be it.  I hope that one day Tom can be i my life and in my kids lives but maybe I’m just taking daydreaming too far.

I felt like a hearbroken teenager….

1 Aug

I had a rough weekend. First Tom has his kid visting from out-of-town so he is not much contact with me right now. He went on vacation only to come home get ready and leave for another vacation with his family and won’t be back untill next Sunday. So Friday I received a response from a love advice column that had written to. The advise was to dump my fiance and give up hope waiting for Tom. I had written I felt like we were a perfect match and the columnists response was he’s married and 700 miles away how is that a perfect match. Now I’m totally bummed I had hoped maybe the columnist would read some of these posts and see how magic Tom and I are together. That we would be perfect together; romancing women, camping, traveling, hiking, seeing shows, he could teach me how to snowboard (laugh when I fall on my ass for the 100th time), work on cars (maybe even build a hot rod together), boating, swimming, listening to music, we could do housework together and have a great time kissing, making love and I’m sure I left out something but I know you get my point. So I’m weepy thinking of how we can’t be together and how much my heart aches for him. Feeling isolated because the only opinion I have is that I should just give up. I think she even said what makes you think he’ll leave his wife for you. Not that I would want that…right now anyway. Then he sends me a text telling me of a love song, Fish and Bird. I read the lyrics and started to cry.


Fish and Bird


By Tom Waits


They bought a round for the sailor
And they heard his tale
Of a world that was so far away
And a song that we’d never heard
A song of a little bird
That fell in love with a whale


He said, ‘You cannot live in the ocean’
And she said to him
‘You never can live in the sky’
But the ocean is filled with tears
And the sea turns into a mirror
There’s a whale in the moon when it’s clear
And a bird on the tide


Please don’t cry
Let me dry your eyes


So tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I’ll never sail back to the time
But I’ll always pretend you’re mine
Though I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart


Please don’t cry
Let me dry your eyes


And tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I’ll never sail back to the time
But I’ll always pretend that you’re mine
I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart


So, I can’t talk to him, the columnist tells me to give up on him and now this. My mind kept whispering he’s breaking up with you. He’s telling you he’ll always love you but it just cannot be. I usually like to think I’m tough, that I think like a guy but my heart kept breaking. I kept looking for sad songs to further my sulking in a half-broken heart. So I did what any girl should do when they feel broken-hearted. I started cleaning, then drinking then I took the dogs for a run (well a fast jog). Then he called. I was so happy to hear his voice. I wasn’t sure I would tell him how I got sad and insecure but I did. It felt good to tell him. He admitted he teared up too when he listened to the Fish and Bird song thinking of me. I don’t care if he was fibbing it was sweet. We talked about how we have to meet up again. I don’t know when, I think we know where but either way I know we cannot wait to be together again. I still feel like a heartbroken teenager. Listening to sad love songs, thinking about poems, writing a fucking blog about how I feel. Yeah, I love him and I just don’t know what to do. The one thing I do know, I’m not taking that columnists advice.