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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

How we got Larry…..

19 Jan

I thought I’d share with you another memory that makes my relationship with my fiancé…um….unique.  I consider myself now to be a professional.  I’m a Mother, a home owner, a banker and have some degree of authority at work.  I still love to goof off.  I try never to take myself to seriously.

One year for my company Christmas party we were at a historic restaurant.  Our party was in an upstairs banquet room with a bar and there was a neighboring room by the bathrooms that has a balcony overlooking the street below.  The building has been the sight of a historic speech by a political figure about 70 years ago or so.  Everything was old and they had many bucks mounted on the walls. 

The party was going well.  My fiancé was having fun with a few of my co-workers husbands.  I was pregnant and couldn’t drink so he was enjoying the liberty of having a DD.  From the start of the event our service from the restaurant was poor.  It got worse and the staff was not only slow but rude.  I see the men plotting something and I have to see what is going on.

They are all down by the bar debating how they will get a bucks head out of the restaurant.  I told them how to do it.  I left them be and went back to mingling with my co-workers and their spouses.  I don’t know if you’ve read my post Riding Dirty but if you have I’ve mentioned how it drives me crazy to hear someone go on about how they are going to do something that never happens.  The bucks head was turning into one of those situations.

The night was coming to an end.  The fellas had not come through on their silly idea.  It’s weird even with not drinking I felt the drunkenness of others rubbing off on me.  I instructed my fiance to ready the trunk.  I sent my friends husband down under the historic balcony.  I grabbed one of the bucks heads that was just laying around (there were three of them laying there plus maybe 15 on the walls).  I quietly took the screen off the window.  Worked the old window open and hoisted my pregnant ass out the window.  I maneuvered that horned bucks head outside with me.  I spotted my friends husband waiting below.  Made sure the coast was clear of any managers from my office or employees of the restaurant and heaved it over the railing.  Letting that thing drop was funny, the horns spun down and nearly impaled my friend waiting below.  A few co-workers caught the show and they were all sworn to secrecy.

Now we have Larry.  He is the mascot of my game room/garage.  Since he wasn’t mounted to a board he just kinda hangs out in the rafters looking down untill we can find a way to mount him. He fits right in with the pool table, dart board and video games.  He also makes for a great conversation piece.  I wonder how many fellas would tolerate this kind of behaviour from their lady?

Holiday Hodgepodge…..

17 Dec

Ah the holidays, I love the spirit of the holidays.  I’ve got my house covered in lights and large inflatable holiday characters in my yard.  The tree has been up and I’ve started baking with a little help from my boys.  I want them to have a great Christmas and I think I can pull it off.  They are so excited.  My major regret with them is due to my hectic work schedule I have not gotten to take them to any tree lightnings or holiday events.  Maybe I can find something to cram in this coming week.

Things with my fiancé are miserable.  He’s weepy often and constantly sick or in pain.  His need for my affections has put me in a corner.  I blurted out that he doesn’t do it for me right now.  In the argument that followed he asked if I was just holding out to tell him to leave after the holidays.  I told him again that I can’t imagine a life without him but I can’t see a good life with him.  I let him know maybe he can change my mind but from here it doesn’t look so good.  I had just worked all night got a nap and went back to work so I was tired, sore and sick.  He saw how miserable I was and came to me while I was laying in bed with the boys watching Frosty the Snowman and gave me a rub down.  I felt guilty taking it was so nice. 

I found out this week I won’t get the new title that comes with a little raise.  My manager will give it another go but they don’t know why I didn’t make the list.  It might be a corporate thing. Who knows?  I was looking forward to a little relief, but oh well.  The boys had gotten colds that turned into ear infections and even with health insurance it cost a pretty penny.  My fiancé had to pick up five medications that cost even more than usual.  My car battery finally gave out.  On top of all that I have been fighting with my mortgage company for a while now about a payment they misapplied and now they’ve sent a foreclosure notice.  I’m not concerned that I’ll lose my home, we are no where close to that, however I can’t believe they would go to that extreme over this little issue.  I again am in contact with the bank to correct this but I know its going to be a battle and I’m not looking forward to the time it will suck out of my life. 

…….and then there’s Tom.  I miss him and wish he could hold me and tell me it will be OK.  I’m so wrapped up in everything that I’m loosing that closeness we used to have.  We talk mostly when he calls me at my office.  I can talk but I can’t be open and there are somethings I can’t say.  I’m starting to wonder what we have.  Some days I feel like he’s tired of me and some days he makes me feel so special that I feel silly that I’d even thought that.  Right now he feels like something I can never have.  A huge part of my pull towards him is what a good partner he would make and I can’t see us being together.  It muddies the waters for me.  I still lust for him, I still get butterflies when we talk but something is changing and I can’t put my finger on it yet.

I want to thank you all for reading and thank you for your comments.    Things are crazy and I’m short on time so I   probably won’t write untill the last few days of the month or maybe not untill 2012.  I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season.  Wishing the best to you and your families.