Archive | finances RSS feed for this section

Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

Well maybe I am…..

6 Dec

Am I shallow or will more money help? I work in banking but I feel like my finances are out of control. I don’t feel like I have too many extras but maybe the cable TV has to go all together. Two smart phones, maybe that’s a little more than we should have. I’ve started putting my oldest son in a preschool type program and that is stretching me out, but I believe it’s important for him so I have to make room for it. When I try to figure out a budget I get dizzy. How much should I allot for food, gas, meds, household stuff. Now do I have anything left to save for home and auto repairs. Shit, I need a bigger more reliable vehicle but I can’t see how a car payment can fit into my life. How do others do it? What am I missing?

Mzklever recently posted that I should seek a good therapist for my emotional and mental needs maybe I also need to reach out to someone to help me make a plan to manage my bills. I work for a freaking bank you would think there would be someone that can help with that.

When I argue with my fiancé about money he tells me I’m shallow but when I have to worry about how can I afford tires, a roof, why are my floor boards curling (freaky right?), windows, rotten door frame, landscaping not to mention clothes that don’t look ragged, shoes without holes, a freaking vacation and now maybe a therapist….. is that shallow or is that building a decent life?

I have written down our financial situation and asked for his help. He’s more lost than I am. I have begged him to contribute and he has earned $20 here and $20 there fixing friends computers. He has also let himself take up smoking again after being only a social smoker for the last five years or so. I wonder if it’s the new meds. I know I like to smoke when I’m high. It’s pain relief but he’s got to be high.

I guess I need to consider getting some help from a few new souces this New Year.
1) Therapist
2) Financial planner

3) Your advice

OK ready set go…