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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

He asked for it….

5 Nov

Not wanting
        Not looking
                You took me by surprise
My guilt overshadowed
        By the memory of your touch
My mind taken
        By your wicked ways
My body pulled to you
        By the gravity of lust
Distance and time
        The only things keeping us apart
                Letting us fall in love
Reckless I want to fuck your brains out, love
What the fuck am I doing I can’t stop, love
Heartbreaking without a break up, love
        A friendship that makes me feel young
        A relationship that has to exist in secret
        An affair that could undo so much
I am surprised with all that you’ve done to spend time with me
I am always looking for our next opportunity to kiss
I am left wanting more

 

OK, it’s a poem.  Please hit me with any kind of HONEST feedback you can.  I can take it really I can.  Tom asked that I write something for him and this came out.  I’ve revised a little from my orringal writings but I think this is the final draft I will send to him, maybe….gulp.

You are the only one who knows…..

5 Aug

I know what I’m doing is wrong in many people’s eyes.  I feel like it’s justified based on my situation but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I have some people who I could trust to tell but I don’t want to burden them with this secret too.  So here I am writing a blog out into cyberspace where no one I know is likely to find it.  I would very much like feedback.  Weather it’s calling me an underhanded bitch or cheering me on to make a better life with the one I love.  Who knows maybe you’re in the same boat or know some one who is.  I’d love to hear about it.  So if you’re reading this you are one of the very few people in the world that knows that I’m ridiculously horny, total infatuated with my new lover, quite a bit of a wreck and defiantly the only thing keeping my family afloat.  So call it how you see it.  Tell me what you would do if you were me, or my lover or my fiance.  Maybe you can recommend a love song that will further my sulking or lift my spirits.  Is there a blog out there I should read.  An advice columnist that would love to comment on my story.  Let me know.  So there you have it.  Who I am might need to be a secret but I’m willing to share anything about me that you want to know.  Send me an email or post your opinion and remember you are the only one who knows.