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Hopeless romantic….

14 Feb

Valentines day six years ago I was in this very office and my fiancé worked in the same business park.  I could see his building from the parking lot of my building.  He and I had broken up the previous fall.  I had a little rebound romance with a fella who ended up taking me to Hawaii with him (very cool but not as luxurious as it sounds) and I had just gotten back from that trip at the end of January.  Before we left I had broken up with rebound romance guy, we had an agreement that the trip would happen no matter what.  

I had brought my fiancé a tribal mask from Hawaii that he smashed when I handed it to him.  For some reason I was drawn back to him anyway.  I wrote him a long card.  Took photo of us as teenagers kissing and made it into art and got him a heart shaped box of his favorite chocolates.  When he got it he was upset and confused and didn’t know what to say.  He, of course, didn’t get me anything and he was mad. 

Maybe it’s my frame of mind but that’s the only Valentine’s day I recall.  Good or bad that’s the only one with him that left an impression on me.  Weird.

 A little Valentine’s tune for you

 

 

I can only go up and then down and then up again from here…

5 Oct

 I’m on a roller coaster this year.  I was so down in the dumps.  My fiancé had surgery.  His sisters came to live with us to help.  One of them had a nervous breakdown and had to leave.  The younger one stayed and was so sweet.  My fiancé constantly complaining about my family.  Then in April a business trip. I felt like I was on top of the world.  Managing a branch, meeting new contacts, enjoying the night life.  My fiancé brining me down at every phone contact until it finally ended up he would just yell at me and call me names.  Then the last night that magical Thursday night where I found comfort in Tom’s arms.  He already had my attention by being so nice.  For more about it check out my post, I wasn’t looking but I got found…http://wp.me/p1IMS5-j

 

When I got back home my fiancé again was mean and made me sad.  I made contact with Tom and we started talking.  We were both still flush with the thrill of our night together.  When there was a chance that his friends band would play in our town we started talking about meeting.  The things he would say gave me such a rush.  I was on top of the world.  Thoughts of him filled my days and nights.  When I found out the tour wouldn’t come to the town 15 minutes away I still had to see him.  We made plans to meet outside of the tour.  The 55 day count down was exciting and all my troubles seemed to vanish as I waited for him to come to me.

 

After the trip his child came to stay with him and the contact dwindled.  When she left he was bummed and things didn’t go back to the same.  In the mean time my life had gotten away from me.  I was like a zombie just making it through on auto pilot.  I let things get worse. 

 

Everything I’d do I’d wonder how Tom would fit in.  How my fiancé just doesn’t compare to him.  How stuck I am.  Now as my count down is down to 7 days I’m scared.  I’m excited to see him but sad to know this might change everything forever.  The tears keep coming and I don’t know what to do to make things better.

 

I started this blog because I was so excited about all these new feelings that I had no one to share them with.  Now it’s just my neurotic ramblings.  I feel like I’m trying to keep my life running like I keep my car together.  Duct tape, zip ties and special fluids.  No matter what I feel better writing this stuff down.  I’m starting to wish I had more time to write and read.

What what in the butt……

14 Aug

I was checking out my blog stats.  This is my first blog so I am very interested to see how it works.  I noticed some one had found this blog by searching “felt him cumming”, so I tried to find the blog using that as a search. 

I didn’t find my blog but I did find a forum discussing anal sex.  I’ve done it in the butt before.  OK, more than a few times, but always when I was really fucked up.  I’m pretty sure this forum started with the question is there any health problems with too much anal sex.  The folks in the forum reassured the asker there there is no problem with lots of butt sex.  People were talking about doing 6 times per day.  One couple says they have not had vaginal intercourse for over a year and a half because they liked doing it in the butt so much.  They are taking about how they like to feel the warmth as their man cums in their ass.  The men are saying what an amazing orgasm this produces.  Reading all this is getting me fucking horny. 

When I’m turned on like this I’m thinking of Tom.  I start to text him the short version of this story.  He has never had anal sex.  I really get off on pleasing him.  I’m telling him if he were here right now I would let him try with me.  I’m inside my office and my texts aren’t sending so I go outside and lay on the grass.  I’m so fucking wet that I think I could feel my juices sliding down my lips. 

He’s telling me how if the reading about anal is getting me going to read about two girl one guy threesomes.  I remind him I need no extra push to go there.  I love going down on a girl.  Just have to find the right girl that is usually the only trouble with that.  So as I’m laying on the grass in the sunshine I text him, “I’m so fucking wet and I think my…..” .  I say I’m not sure if I can say it.  He texted back, “You can’t say something to me?”.  With the strange dynamic of our relationship we I believe hold almost nothing back from each other.  It was a totally valid question.  So I say it,”I’m really fucking wet and my ass is relaxed.”.  I tell him it’s like my dirty mind is getting my body ready.  He says for my dick?  Of course my answer is yes.  He tells me he is getting hard just thinking about it.  We talk about how much I want to eat some pussy while he fucks me from behind.  How next time we are together it will be more adventurous. 

It’s funny we had talked about a lot of this stuff before.  Dirty stuff, kinky stuff, rough stuff.  When he said he loved me I warned him, “How can I be your dirty sex toy if you love me?  Can you choke, whip and sodomize the one you love?”  We laughed about it, but when it came time to be with him we were very sweet to each other.  The most we strayed away from making love was him pulling my hair.  I wonder how it will be when we meet again?  He is very sensitive to my reactions.  He is attentive to my body.  I’d love to try more with him because not only will be be very aware of my pleasure but I really get off on his.  I have this strong desire to make him happy.  So as we were talking I was so horny that I had to cum.  I came back to my desk and rubbed one out in my chair.  It was hard to concentrate for a while but I got back on track and finished my day. 

I didn’t hear from Tom that night.  My damn girlyness started to make me think he only responded when I started talking about sex, really dirty sex.  That’s all he wants me for.  Then I saw a post on Facebook he was at the races.  He was too busy to text.  He sent me a goodnight note later and I felt so much better.  I can’t believe how horny he makes me.

Gambling girl…..

8 Aug

Oh the weekend.  I used to love you.  Now you make me anxious and tired.  This weekend I had fun.  I got shit done.  We went over to my Mom’s and swam till about 11 at night.  The boys had a blast!  I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more, I think I cooked in there too.  We went to the park and ran around.  We went to a festival of Mustaches and Bicycles.  As my fiancé sat around while I was working away or was a poop at the festival that was smaller than we had anticipated I kept thinking would it be more fun with Tom.  My fiancé would try to kiss me or grab my tit or ass and I just couldn’t be receptive.  I wish he would just disappear some times.  While I’m digging in my back yard trying to prep to grow some grass he’s standing around smoking.  He did cut some tree into pieces but cleaned nothing and was bothered to watch the kids while I worked.  We did go on a bike ride together than was nice. 


I kept thinking could I mountain bike with Tom?  Oh my love, he had been out of touch for so long.  I was writing texts to myself with no response.  What a lonely place to be living with some one that you’re falling out of love with and be out of touch with the one you do love.  Doubt keeps sliding in, wondering if we would really be good together.  If my fiancé left, if we broke up would he want to be the one for me for real?  I try not to think about that.  I try to keep the issues separate.  If I get left by my fiancé for what I’m doing I’m not going to expect Tom to come and jump right into my life.  I want it to be that way. It’s so fucking hard to keep my mind straight.  I wonder what would happen if his wife was to find out.  Would she just forgive him?  Would she leave?  Should I ask him what he thinks?  When we started talking very little was off-limits.  I didn’t care what he thought of me if he stopped talking to me who cares.  He was cool but if he wasn’t cool with me whatever, right?  Now I’m hooked, I can’t stop thinking about him.  If he decided not to talk to me I’d be questioning myself.  I guess there is just so much more at stake now that I love him so.  I wonder if he’s just using me for sexual encounters that are low risk (expensive though).  I don’t think it’s the case but when you can’t see someone when you talk to them do you really know if they are telling the truth?  We’re talking about meeting up again but this time in a gambling city.  Well I guess I’m a gambling girl.  I’m almost all in here and I’m gonna stay on for the ride.  I hope I win big.  It’s gonna hurt like fuck if I bust.

I felt like a hearbroken teenager….

1 Aug

I had a rough weekend. First Tom has his kid visting from out-of-town so he is not much contact with me right now. He went on vacation only to come home get ready and leave for another vacation with his family and won’t be back untill next Sunday. So Friday I received a response from a love advice column that had written to. The advise was to dump my fiance and give up hope waiting for Tom. I had written I felt like we were a perfect match and the columnists response was he’s married and 700 miles away how is that a perfect match. Now I’m totally bummed I had hoped maybe the columnist would read some of these posts and see how magic Tom and I are together. That we would be perfect together; romancing women, camping, traveling, hiking, seeing shows, he could teach me how to snowboard (laugh when I fall on my ass for the 100th time), work on cars (maybe even build a hot rod together), boating, swimming, listening to music, we could do housework together and have a great time kissing, making love and I’m sure I left out something but I know you get my point. So I’m weepy thinking of how we can’t be together and how much my heart aches for him. Feeling isolated because the only opinion I have is that I should just give up. I think she even said what makes you think he’ll leave his wife for you. Not that I would want that…right now anyway. Then he sends me a text telling me of a love song, Fish and Bird. I read the lyrics and started to cry.


Fish and Bird


By Tom Waits


They bought a round for the sailor
And they heard his tale
Of a world that was so far away
And a song that we’d never heard
A song of a little bird
That fell in love with a whale


He said, ‘You cannot live in the ocean’
And she said to him
‘You never can live in the sky’
But the ocean is filled with tears
And the sea turns into a mirror
There’s a whale in the moon when it’s clear
And a bird on the tide


Please don’t cry
Let me dry your eyes


So tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I’ll never sail back to the time
But I’ll always pretend you’re mine
Though I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart


Please don’t cry
Let me dry your eyes


And tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I’ll never sail back to the time
But I’ll always pretend that you’re mine
I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart


So, I can’t talk to him, the columnist tells me to give up on him and now this. My mind kept whispering he’s breaking up with you. He’s telling you he’ll always love you but it just cannot be. I usually like to think I’m tough, that I think like a guy but my heart kept breaking. I kept looking for sad songs to further my sulking in a half-broken heart. So I did what any girl should do when they feel broken-hearted. I started cleaning, then drinking then I took the dogs for a run (well a fast jog). Then he called. I was so happy to hear his voice. I wasn’t sure I would tell him how I got sad and insecure but I did. It felt good to tell him. He admitted he teared up too when he listened to the Fish and Bird song thinking of me. I don’t care if he was fibbing it was sweet. We talked about how we have to meet up again. I don’t know when, I think we know where but either way I know we cannot wait to be together again. I still feel like a heartbroken teenager. Listening to sad love songs, thinking about poems, writing a fucking blog about how I feel. Yeah, I love him and I just don’t know what to do. The one thing I do know, I’m not taking that columnists advice.