(Un)reasonable doubt……

This feels weird to write but it’s how I feel. My love, this wonderful man who loves me dearly and is going to move 700 miles to date me I am feeling unsure about our future. It might just be due to the turmoil I’m going through. I look forward to the fun we will have, the experiences we will share and the life we can build together with both of us working hard. Something in me is loosing the enthusiasm I once had. It might just be my own lack of confidence. Things have changed, some days I’m not sure if I’m wanting to talk.  Some times I feel pulled away from cleaning and days where I’m with my family and I don’t talk to him I get the feeling he is getting upset because I’m not making time for him.  However that might just be in my head from how I was trained to be with Dick.

He is starting to make little moves in his own life towards leaving his wife, his state and his job.  Cleaning out old things, paying off debt, having talks with his wife.  It is making it all more real.  We talked that we would date.  That I should date other men and he should date women.  His dating he has put into the less important category because he has been single as an adult he has dated and he says he knows what he wants and that is me.  Where I have no real experience, I need to squelch any what if’s and see if there is a better match.  I worry what if there is or worse what if there is a superficial match and I don’t see the douche in them.  Above all what if he changes his whole life to be with me and it doesn’t happen. 

Tom went on a romantic get away with his wife.  It was more of an attempt to see if there was a spark as they both have talked about feeling like good friends not husband and wife.  He said that they did do a bit of kissing at the start but there was virtually nothing else.  She didn’t try to cuddle up to him, hold his hand or initiate anything sexual.  It was her time of the month but there are other ways to be intimate with your husband and he said there was not so much as a hand in his lap.  He called me most of the trip.  Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.  I was cleaning one night with my Dad and was not near my phone and he called maybe three times and by the last call he sounded pretty disappointed that I had not answered.  I am even feeling that he’s needing much more attention than he has ever required even outside of this trip.  That is probably normal and the effects of the risks and changes he is taking. 

I wonder if all this stems from me starting a relationship at the wrong time.  He could really be what I’ve thought for the last year or so…..the best thing that ever happened to me.  I still wonder if my attachment came from having such a horrible situation.  Or maybe that I’m afraid of loneliness and not finding anyone else.  We are very different but a lot of the same.  With that said he is very different from Dick.  There will be no crazy tweekers, no douchey idiots that we hang out with and party, no doing coke together and he probably will not get along with a lot of the acquaintances that I probably need to get rid of anyway.  Those things are kinda scary.

These feelings come and go.  In fact since I started writing this Monday they have gone away again and I’m super excited to see him and eventually date him and possibly live the rest of my life with him.  I hope this is all normal and not just a away that my subconscious is warning me.  Only time will tell.  After I get a new life in order with Dick as a co-parent instead of someone I have to worry about every interaction I think things will start to level off.

One of the many reasons I think I need a spanking…

I’m wondering if when I’m stressed or feel cornered I act out like a teenager.  Since things have gotten bad and I feel trapped I’ve acted out sexually.  I never would have kissed Tom if things with my fiancé weren’t so bad.  He was sweet I had an attraction to him but if I was really out on the prowl he would not have been my target. 

With him being so far away I’m finding myself very frustrated and I’m letting it branch out.  I’ve checked personals for available girls.  I posted on an affair weight but didn’t pay for it so I haven’t “reached out” to anyone.  It seemed like a good idea at the time because I talked to someone that had some luck on the site.  I’ve even caught myself staring at attractive people more often.

 This brings me to the reason for my post.  My fiancé met another stay at home dad at the park.  He is a fella from the Netherlands, he likes metal and plays guitar.  They hit it off and my fiancé invited him over for a beer that night.  I need to give him a name and I shall call him Olaf because his accent and his love of metal reminds me of Jay and Silent Bob.  Olaf metal! and then he sings Making fuck and making love bezerker….well I’m off topic but Olaf seems fitting right now. 

So he’s a pretty good-looking guy, beautiful skin, just below chin length hair light brown, gorgeous blue eyes, sturdy build.  After I get the boys to bed we’re all drinking, he’s playing guitar with my fiancé.  Regular chit-chat stuff, a few friends come over so now all five of us are chopping it up.

  For a few minutes I’m alone with him and I ask him about Second Life (he met his wife on the game).  He told me he DJ’d at a 2nd life club for pay.  He said he also made money building furniture digitally for the game.  Strange concept to me a total Second Life laymen.  He said you can put the furniture in your flat or apartment or your dungeon or torture chamber.  That he specialized in furniture that would restrain a body in different ways. OMG on-line bondage?!?!  I want to know more but then they all came back…plus I just met the guy so I try to keep my eagerness to find out more totally hidden.

Through the course of our conversation Olaf refered to his wife as a princess at one point.  Other than that he didn’t speak much about her.  I had mentioned something about wanting to watch the Game of Thones to check out the hot chick that gets naked and he lit up asking me, “Do you like women?”.  When I left the room he told my fiancé how he thought I was, so my little horny mind is going berserker.  What if he has a hot wife that likes girls and they will spank my ass while I lick her up and down? When he left that night he gave me lingering close hug.

The next night he invited us over for our kids to play and meet the Mrs.  Walking up the porch he hollers out hello sexy.  Nice condo, nice car….open the door meet the Mrs.  OMG she is a big lady, she is also signficantly older than I would expect a princess to be.  She is super sweet but is definitely not getting licked by me.  We’ll be friends though. They just moved here three weeks ago so she was very happy to meet us.  Though I feel a little guilty about it but I still wonder if he wants to bind me and spank my ass and I wonder if I’d let him. Only time will tell. Gotta be safe with that kinda of stuff.

Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

Will this be the end?

In a week I’ll be in my lovers arms.  Maybe for the last time.  I’m starting to question if this trip is even a good idea.  I was so excited I missed that my dates were off.  Tom wants to take me to an amazing place he has been telling me about since we first met and I’m so excited to go with him the only problem is there is no cell service. 

I am planning to tell him I’m just not cut out for this.  That I want to be with him. I’m feeling jealous and that is weird for me. That the lowered contact hurts my confidence.  He has been a great friend.  He’s an interesting person who I love talking to.  I would love to stay in contact with him.

I still have not asked Tom much about his wife.  I wonder how they met.  How they fell in love.  Did he always have other girls on the side he fooled arround with or was there any point where it was just his wife.  His one and only.  It blows my mind he has only been in that town for 5 maybe 6 years now.  They’ve been married for three.  Doing the math makes me wonder.  I wonder if he will get board with his life there and look to move and make another life.  Maybe one closer to me.  I still can’t get the idea that maybe we can be together someday out of my head.  I think I need to though.

So my trip, with all this going on in my head you might ask why am I still going on this trip.  

1. I’m fucking horny.
2. I want to tell him this stuff in person.
3. I need an adventure.  

Just like my Mom…..

People say you’re going to turn out like your parents. It’s something that I always shrugged off thinking no way I’m totally different. Now looking at my life and my Mom’s I’m starting to wonder if I was very wrong. My Mom I’ve heard was a bit of a party girl, of course I was a party girl. I took it way further than she did though. She met my Dad when they were young and were together since they were teenagers. Check, met my fiancé in continuation school. My Mom always worked, my Mom’s family helped them with a down payment for their first house. Same here. They had kids in their late 20’s. My Dad started not working, not helping around the house, name calling, drinking heavily and being distant. Yes, my fiancé doesn’t work, does a poor job around the house, he doesn’t drink like my Dad but he takes pills and smokes weed. After dinner he disappears untill late at night. My Mom and Dad split up when I was about 10 my little bro was about 8. Me and Tom have talked about being together, for real and our discussion was maybe not right now but who knows what will happen in 5 years or so. Guess how old my kids will be then. Right?? OK, my Mom is happily engaged to a hard-working, dedicated guy who is super nice and enjoys the outdoors and is very different from my Dad. He has been married 2x’s already. Tom’s currently on his 2nd marriage. It might all mean nothing at all, but wow it sure is weird.

Damn, I’m screwed…..

So I didn’t plan for any of this. I was trying to get shit together in my life and then I met Tom. I was eating better, exercising and getting on top of all the shit I had to do at home. I was coming to terms that I am going to have to do most of it without my fiance’s help.

Work is going very well. Everything outside of my relationship was getting get better because I was working hard on it. Now I’m constantly distracted. I can’t stop checking my phone looking for his next text, picture or word on our scrabble games. I’m thinking of what can I say to him to start a conversation or just make him feel special.

I was doing OK at kind of ignoring my fiance but now I have no patience for him. I don’t want to see him be lazy, I react even worse to him being mean to me. I just plain don’t want to be around him a lot of the time. When my fiance is being nice and “good” I feel guilty. I know he’ll be heartbroken if he found out. Years ago I told him I wouldn’t cheat, I would just leave him. I had made good on that for so long. Now with the boys I can’t see separating them from their Dad but I don’t see their Dad being the best influence on their lives. On top of all of this even though I’m the only earner I don’t think I could pay for childcare. I hate to be dependant on him but that’s what I got now.

I find myself all the time dreaming of a life with Tom. He’ll say to me he wishes he could be a part of my life, that he would like to have me there to kiss in the mornings and make me dinner when I come home from work. Reality is he has a great life. He doesn’t need an instant couple of little kids. He has some awesome friends where he’s at and to be together he would need to come to me because of my job and my family. No matter how much I dream about a life with Tom I know it’s not really possible at least for now. I keep trying to think of how to tell him maybe this is too much for me but I don’t want to change our relationship. I love talking to him. Texting and sending pictures. I love the idea that someday we can spend more time together maybe even live together. The reality sets in and it just doesn’t seem possible or practical. Now I find myself tearing up at the thought of all these things. I’m screwed, I did it to myself and I don’t know what to do.