I’m wondering if when I’m stressed or feel cornered I act out like a teenager. Since things have gotten bad and I feel trapped I’ve acted out sexually. I never would have kissed Tom if things with my fiancé weren’t so bad. He was sweet I had an attraction to him but if I was really out on the prowl he would not have been my target.
With him being so far away I’m finding myself very frustrated and I’m letting it branch out. I’ve checked personals for available girls. I posted on an affair weight but didn’t pay for it so I haven’t “reached out” to anyone. It seemed like a good idea at the time because I talked to someone that had some luck on the site. I’ve even caught myself staring at attractive people more often.
This brings me to the reason for my post. My fiancé met another stay at home dad at the park. He is a fella from the Netherlands, he likes metal and plays guitar. They hit it off and my fiancé invited him over for a beer that night. I need to give him a name and I shall call him Olaf because his accent and his love of metal reminds me of Jay and Silent Bob. Olaf metal! and then he sings Making fuck and making love bezerker….well I’m off topic but Olaf seems fitting right now.
So he’s a pretty good-looking guy, beautiful skin, just below chin length hair light brown, gorgeous blue eyes, sturdy build. After I get the boys to bed we’re all drinking, he’s playing guitar with my fiancé. Regular chit-chat stuff, a few friends come over so now all five of us are chopping it up.
For a few minutes I’m alone with him and I ask him about Second Life (he met his wife on the game). He told me he DJ’d at a 2nd life club for pay. He said he also made money building furniture digitally for the game. Strange concept to me a total Second Life laymen. He said you can put the furniture in your flat or apartment or your dungeon or torture chamber. That he specialized in furniture that would restrain a body in different ways. OMG on-line bondage?!?! I want to know more but then they all came back…plus I just met the guy so I try to keep my eagerness to find out more totally hidden.
Through the course of our conversation Olaf refered to his wife as a princess at one point. Other than that he didn’t speak much about her. I had mentioned something about wanting to watch the Game of Thones to check out the hot chick that gets naked and he lit up asking me, “Do you like women?”. When I left the room he told my fiancé how he thought I was, so my little horny mind is going berserker. What if he has a hot wife that likes girls and they will spank my ass while I lick her up and down? When he left that night he gave me lingering close hug.
The next night he invited us over for our kids to play and meet the Mrs. Walking up the porch he hollers out hello sexy. Nice condo, nice car….open the door meet the Mrs. OMG she is a big lady, she is also signficantly older than I would expect a princess to be. She is super sweet but is definitely not getting licked by me. We’ll be friends though. They just moved here three weeks ago so she was very happy to meet us. Though I feel a little guilty about it but I still wonder if he wants to bind me and spank my ass and I wonder if I’d let him. Only time will tell. Gotta be safe with that kinda of stuff.
(Un)reasonable doubt……
19 SepThis feels weird to write but it’s how I feel. My love, this wonderful man who loves me dearly and is going to move 700 miles to date me I am feeling unsure about our future. It might just be due to the turmoil I’m going through. I look forward to the fun we will have, the experiences we will share and the life we can build together with both of us working hard. Something in me is loosing the enthusiasm I once had. It might just be my own lack of confidence. Things have changed, some days I’m not sure if I’m wanting to talk. Some times I feel pulled away from cleaning and days where I’m with my family and I don’t talk to him I get the feeling he is getting upset because I’m not making time for him. However that might just be in my head from how I was trained to be with Dick.
He is starting to make little moves in his own life towards leaving his wife, his state and his job. Cleaning out old things, paying off debt, having talks with his wife. It is making it all more real. We talked that we would date. That I should date other men and he should date women. His dating he has put into the less important category because he has been single as an adult he has dated and he says he knows what he wants and that is me. Where I have no real experience, I need to squelch any what if’s and see if there is a better match. I worry what if there is or worse what if there is a superficial match and I don’t see the douche in them. Above all what if he changes his whole life to be with me and it doesn’t happen.
Tom went on a romantic get away with his wife. It was more of an attempt to see if there was a spark as they both have talked about feeling like good friends not husband and wife. He said that they did do a bit of kissing at the start but there was virtually nothing else. She didn’t try to cuddle up to him, hold his hand or initiate anything sexual. It was her time of the month but there are other ways to be intimate with your husband and he said there was not so much as a hand in his lap. He called me most of the trip. Telling me how much he loves me and misses me. I was cleaning one night with my Dad and was not near my phone and he called maybe three times and by the last call he sounded pretty disappointed that I had not answered. I am even feeling that he’s needing much more attention than he has ever required even outside of this trip. That is probably normal and the effects of the risks and changes he is taking.
I wonder if all this stems from me starting a relationship at the wrong time. He could really be what I’ve thought for the last year or so…..the best thing that ever happened to me. I still wonder if my attachment came from having such a horrible situation. Or maybe that I’m afraid of loneliness and not finding anyone else. We are very different but a lot of the same. With that said he is very different from Dick. There will be no crazy tweekers, no douchey idiots that we hang out with and party, no doing coke together and he probably will not get along with a lot of the acquaintances that I probably need to get rid of anyway. Those things are kinda scary.
These feelings come and go. In fact since I started writing this Monday they have gone away again and I’m super excited to see him and eventually date him and possibly live the rest of my life with him. I hope this is all normal and not just a away that my subconscious is warning me. Only time will tell. After I get a new life in order with Dick as a co-parent instead of someone I have to worry about every interaction I think things will start to level off.