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What a Christmas….

28 Dec

What a whirlwind of holiday fun.  I had taken last week off my day job and was only working nights at the toy store.  I had a great time hanging with my kids and my fiancé was being more of a help than usual.  Just like always I was tight on funds and had to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping on the 23rd when my paycheck came.  I’m not sure what my fiancé was up too that night because I was too caught up in baking.  I made a late night trip to the supermarket and did a good amount of the wrapping with him while we put Dexter on the tube. 

Christmas eve I worked untill about 5:30pm.  The boys and my fiancé delivered the cookies to our neighbors. To my surprise I came home to a clean house!  I thanked him and we were off to my Aunt and Uncles for dinner and cocktails.  I was planning on doing some drinking then finishing up all the Christmas stuff.  Well things got off track.  The boys and I had a great time at my family’s home.  I was taking shots with my Uncle and got a bit tipsy.  My Mom (also drinking) started to grill my fiancé. Basicaly giving him a hard time about the stresses that get put on me.  Well that put him in a bad mood and he wanted to go while I wanted to stay.  I’m guessing we left at about 11ish.  Things got fuzzy because, well I was drunk. 

At home I put the boys down and was snuggling them.  I might have dozed off in the chair where I read them their stories.  I remember my fiancé giving me shit about this.  I was offended so went to my room and looked up some info on my smart phone for tomorrows dinner that I would be cooking.  I again dozed off.  I don’t remember what happened but I think he stated talking shit about my Mom who I defended.  He kept going so I started in on his whole family.  Tacky I know but this always happens he starts in on my family and won’t quit untill I go to far talking about his. 

Now I’m in no mood to be around him,  I text my lover something about being drunk, miserable and that I’m looking forward to getting drunk again tomorrow.  Then a half an hour later maybe 1:30am-ish.  I text him again Merry Christmas and I love him.  Then I’m back out again.

I woke up at 6am in a panic.  I had wrapping and stockings and food to prepare and I failed it all.  I ran out to see that my fiancé had done it all (except the food stuff).  He was so upset with me he had not tried to wake me up to help after our last fight. Part of me was so relived but the guilt was so heavy on me that I had trouble sleeping. 

Everything went well.  The boys had a great time opening gifts, I got the food prepped in the morning.  My Dad and his girlfriend came over brining even more gifts for the boys.  We were over an hour late to my Mom’s where the rest of the family was waiting.  It worked out anyway and  brunch was awesome. 

 I felt a little bad because my fiancé only got a BBQ sauce kit from my Mom and StepDad.  I understood why, but it sucked to know his heart would hurt because of all this.  I also didn’t wrap his gift from me and the last-minute gift I got for the boys to give to him.  I was also supposed to wrap the gifts his Mom had mailed and I didn’t but he wrapped the Fed Ex bags so there was still a surprise for him. 

That night I handled all the cooking.  Dinner wasn’t perfect but it was still tasty.  Friends came over for cocktails. We stayed up late and drank and partied.  I’m really glad the friends came over. 

No matter how much my fiancé drives me crazy and makes my life harder than it has to be I still don’t want his heart to hurt on Christmas.  We did our best to have a nice day and night.  I think it worked out OK.  With him being the hero and setting up Christmas I’m sure I won’t hear the end of how selfish I am for not holding up my end but at least he will have the pride of knowing he pulled it off all by himself.  That’s gotta count for something.     

Hopefully this will be the last year I go into the season unprepared but I think I say that every year.  At least I got the decorating done early.

State of the homefront a day before my departure…..

9 Oct

My fiancé has been extra nice to me as of late.  He also has been agonizing about how hard it will be for him to be without me for five days.  The boys are very rambunctious right now. The little one is very opinionated even defiant at times. 

My fiancé looked at me pitifully yesterday and said his knee still hurt and he was up to 12 pills.  Granted he said that at 6pm but it really freaks me out.  He said he is worried about being alone because what will happen if he has a seizure or passes out (which he has never done by the way).  I think he knows just how to play me.  I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, but when he senses that I’m becoming distant or going to go somewhere he becomes rather nice and pitiful.  

We are very low on money but all of the families needs are met so it’s not a major concern, however when I go out of town he likes to spend for entertainment to fill in the void.  Going out to the movies, going out to eat, new toys, etcetera.  Last night my Dad came over for dinner.  He has been having terrible financial trouble.  He just got caught up and has a little extra. He has been doing side work, but still has no reliable income. Even so he always wants to help.  He knows we are tight and offers us money asking how many hundreds we need.  I want him to save the money.  My fiancé has made some silly purchases lately (one is buying a broken X box trying to fix it with pennies and a couple of towels), so I tell my Dad we’ll make do.  My fiancé chimes in that we will take what ever he will give.  Knowing I’m now in a pickle I say maybe we can borrow $100 untill my next pay day.  That way they can afford to go out to dinner one of the nights I am away.  It’s so embarrassing, my Dad is always so nice and friendly with my fiancé.  I just don’t understand how he can feel ok about taking when he knows the situation. 

So tonight I pack.  I’ll coordinate for my family and some friends to visit my family while I’m away to break up my fince’s house husband monotony.  Maybe then he’ll stay off my case.  I still have not told him I don’t land back at the airport untill 7pm on Saturday meaning I won’t be home untill almost 9pm.  He will flip out.  I think if I start the fight while I’m away not being in much contact Thursday and Friday nights will work itself out.

The family factor…..

3 Sep

I talked to Tom yesterday on my lunch.  It’s so nice to catch up with him.  We talked about all the fun stuff he has planned for this weekend.  He says he misses me.  I’ve felt a little weird about things with him lately.  After his kid left I thought we would be in touch more.  When the texts didn’t come like they used to especially with me texting him it felt weird.  I started to wonder if things were not as I thought.  On our talk yesterday he told me how much he misses his kid.  He tells me how he gets into a funk when their time together is over.  He said he is sorry for not being as romantic with me.  From what he tells me is a very involved caring father.  He says they talk on the phone 2x’s a week or so.  He says he is calling daily to talk.  It is so sweet.  I found out they stopped living together when the baby was about 12 months old.  He used to drive 8 hours every weekend to be with his kid untill his ex moved farther away and made it harder.  His ex doesn’t seem pleasant either making him more of a hero in my eyes.  Lot’s of fathers live in the same town and don’t make that kind of effort to be with their kids.  His dedication to his child is heartwarming.  I miss his sexy texts but I can wait especially if the reason is so pure and wonderful. 

On the other hand my fiancé is in a bad way.  His family is pretty dysfunctional.  On a scale of 1-10 maybe a 7.  His mother called him in tears.  The two youngest of my fiancé sisters live at home they are 18 and 20.  They both are kind of Goth/Emo kids.  They like these weird pretty emo boys.  Come to find out their boyfriends both like boys.  The older sister has a lot of mental problems and was living with this terrible boy.  Come to find out he was having unprotected sex with men from Craig’s List for fun (they claim not for money).  Now she is worried she has AIDS but has not gotten tested.  The younger sister’s boyfriend just sucks guys off.  She is not worried like the older one but she has been sneeking out to have sex with a guy that is now in prison.  So now my fiancé’s Dad is holed up at the family’s other house (yes they have two houses) and is snorting Oxycontin to stay calm.  I think that’s just an excuse his horrible drug problems is one of the reasons they are high on he dysfunction list.  Now the older sister is saying she will kill herself if she has AIDS.  My fiance’s Mom is freaking out.  She has to go work, she’s worried she will come home and find her little girl dead.  I don’t think she has gotten tested yet.  It’s a mess.  I don’t know how to help if there is any help that can be given.  They live across the country.  My fiance keeps trying to think of a way to go out and kill that guy that put his older sister at risk.  Literaly kill or mame him.  I of course being a sociopath (that’s what my one of my friends calls me anyway) offer I could take a week off of work to watch the kids so you can…um…take care of business.  I’m pretty sure he would never kill anyone but he would hurt him badly for sure.  If he were to end up in jail for a long time that would give me a chance to……OK I know that’s fucked up.  Kind of a win win though right?  I don’t know.  I feel really bad for all of them but their family structure is so bad that it’s not a surprise.  How can you put you foot down and help those girls when they are adults now.  I hope that all is not lost for them, especially the younger one, but wow.

When I daydream……

2 Aug

Some times I daydream I think about how it would be to live with Tom.  How nice it would be to snuggle on the couch with him.  Exploring all the different beautiful places to hike and swim all around this area.  How I would have a lawn in my back yard and maybe Pergo floors like I’ve wanted for years.  I could be excited about the future again knowing I had someone who is willing to work as hard if not harder than I to get what they want.  I really think with someone like him around it would bring my “game” up a notch.  He has a boat and likes to be outside.  Our weekends would be full of adventures.  He likes a variety of music I think we would have fun going to different shows together.  He knows how to fix stuff, I think that is so sexy.  I would love to get greasy with him fixing up an old hot rod or motorcycle. 

Now all these wonderful things would make for a rosy life.  My only problem is I cannot see how my kids will fit in with Tom.  Maybe it’s to early or maybe it’s because it’s just not ment to be.  He has said before that he likes kids and kids like him but who wants to step in and start to live with another persons little kids.  So maybe it’s selfish of me to think about being with Tom.  Could my desires not be fair to my kids?  If it did work, if they clicked he would totally enrich their lives.  All those things I love about him would be great examples for them.  A dedicated hard-working loving husband is not something they see much of.  Don’t get me wrong my fiancé is affectionate sometimes but he doesn’t do much to contribute to the family.  They will not be learning work ethic from their Dad that’s for sure. 

All this makes me think of my Dad.  When I was really little he had jobs working in construction and in lumber yards.  I remember visiting his work and being impressed by the framed out houses and half built structures.  The large stack of wood and the huge forklifts, cranes and the heavy machines to fix the wood.  At home I remember him working on cars and building an elaborate fort for us.  Pouring concrete and fixing things.  Camping and fishing.  He was a man’s man before he lost his drive.  My kids won’t have those memories.  They will remember their Mom doing most of the work.  They hopefully wont remember the dirt patch that is my back yard but they might.  They will remember Dad spending time with them, playing guitar and cooking for them.  I hope they wont remember the names he calls me and how much we fight about me needing him helping out. 

Now with all this thought out maybe it would be better for Tom to be there, but would it be fair to Tom.  Maybe this is my wake up call.  Stop daydreaming, make the life you need your kids to have a reality yourself.  A strong Mom might be all those sweet little kids need to be strong adults.  If I have to tow along my fiancé, a glorified babysitter, then so be it.  I hope that one day Tom can be i my life and in my kids lives but maybe I’m just taking daydreaming too far.

Just like my Mom…..

28 Jul

People say you’re going to turn out like your parents. It’s something that I always shrugged off thinking no way I’m totally different. Now looking at my life and my Mom’s I’m starting to wonder if I was very wrong. My Mom I’ve heard was a bit of a party girl, of course I was a party girl. I took it way further than she did though. She met my Dad when they were young and were together since they were teenagers. Check, met my fiancé in continuation school. My Mom always worked, my Mom’s family helped them with a down payment for their first house. Same here. They had kids in their late 20’s. My Dad started not working, not helping around the house, name calling, drinking heavily and being distant. Yes, my fiancé doesn’t work, does a poor job around the house, he doesn’t drink like my Dad but he takes pills and smokes weed. After dinner he disappears untill late at night. My Mom and Dad split up when I was about 10 my little bro was about 8. Me and Tom have talked about being together, for real and our discussion was maybe not right now but who knows what will happen in 5 years or so. Guess how old my kids will be then. Right?? OK, my Mom is happily engaged to a hard-working, dedicated guy who is super nice and enjoys the outdoors and is very different from my Dad. He has been married 2x’s already. Tom’s currently on his 2nd marriage. It might all mean nothing at all, but wow it sure is weird.