Archive | comment RSS feed for this section

(Un)reasonable doubt……

19 Sep

This feels weird to write but it’s how I feel. My love, this wonderful man who loves me dearly and is going to move 700 miles to date me I am feeling unsure about our future. It might just be due to the turmoil I’m going through. I look forward to the fun we will have, the experiences we will share and the life we can build together with both of us working hard. Something in me is loosing the enthusiasm I once had. It might just be my own lack of confidence. Things have changed, some days I’m not sure if I’m wanting to talk.  Some times I feel pulled away from cleaning and days where I’m with my family and I don’t talk to him I get the feeling he is getting upset because I’m not making time for him.  However that might just be in my head from how I was trained to be with Dick.

He is starting to make little moves in his own life towards leaving his wife, his state and his job.  Cleaning out old things, paying off debt, having talks with his wife.  It is making it all more real.  We talked that we would date.  That I should date other men and he should date women.  His dating he has put into the less important category because he has been single as an adult he has dated and he says he knows what he wants and that is me.  Where I have no real experience, I need to squelch any what if’s and see if there is a better match.  I worry what if there is or worse what if there is a superficial match and I don’t see the douche in them.  Above all what if he changes his whole life to be with me and it doesn’t happen. 

Tom went on a romantic get away with his wife.  It was more of an attempt to see if there was a spark as they both have talked about feeling like good friends not husband and wife.  He said that they did do a bit of kissing at the start but there was virtually nothing else.  She didn’t try to cuddle up to him, hold his hand or initiate anything sexual.  It was her time of the month but there are other ways to be intimate with your husband and he said there was not so much as a hand in his lap.  He called me most of the trip.  Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.  I was cleaning one night with my Dad and was not near my phone and he called maybe three times and by the last call he sounded pretty disappointed that I had not answered.  I am even feeling that he’s needing much more attention than he has ever required even outside of this trip.  That is probably normal and the effects of the risks and changes he is taking. 

I wonder if all this stems from me starting a relationship at the wrong time.  He could really be what I’ve thought for the last year or so…..the best thing that ever happened to me.  I still wonder if my attachment came from having such a horrible situation.  Or maybe that I’m afraid of loneliness and not finding anyone else.  We are very different but a lot of the same.  With that said he is very different from Dick.  There will be no crazy tweekers, no douchey idiots that we hang out with and party, no doing coke together and he probably will not get along with a lot of the acquaintances that I probably need to get rid of anyway.  Those things are kinda scary.

These feelings come and go.  In fact since I started writing this Monday they have gone away again and I’m super excited to see him and eventually date him and possibly live the rest of my life with him.  I hope this is all normal and not just a away that my subconscious is warning me.  Only time will tell.  After I get a new life in order with Dick as a co-parent instead of someone I have to worry about every interaction I think things will start to level off.

Aside

One of the many reasons I think I need a spanking…

11 Apr

I’m wondering if when I’m stressed or feel cornered I act out like a teenager.  Since things have gotten bad and I feel trapped I’ve acted out sexually.  I never would have kissed Tom if things with my fiancé weren’t so bad.  He was sweet I had an attraction to him but if I was really out on the prowl he would not have been my target. 

With him being so far away I’m finding myself very frustrated and I’m letting it branch out.  I’ve checked personals for available girls.  I posted on an affair weight but didn’t pay for it so I haven’t “reached out” to anyone.  It seemed like a good idea at the time because I talked to someone that had some luck on the site.  I’ve even caught myself staring at attractive people more often.

 This brings me to the reason for my post.  My fiancé met another stay at home dad at the park.  He is a fella from the Netherlands, he likes metal and plays guitar.  They hit it off and my fiancé invited him over for a beer that night.  I need to give him a name and I shall call him Olaf because his accent and his love of metal reminds me of Jay and Silent Bob.  Olaf metal! and then he sings Making fuck and making love bezerker….well I’m off topic but Olaf seems fitting right now. 

So he’s a pretty good-looking guy, beautiful skin, just below chin length hair light brown, gorgeous blue eyes, sturdy build.  After I get the boys to bed we’re all drinking, he’s playing guitar with my fiancé.  Regular chit-chat stuff, a few friends come over so now all five of us are chopping it up.

  For a few minutes I’m alone with him and I ask him about Second Life (he met his wife on the game).  He told me he DJ’d at a 2nd life club for pay.  He said he also made money building furniture digitally for the game.  Strange concept to me a total Second Life laymen.  He said you can put the furniture in your flat or apartment or your dungeon or torture chamber.  That he specialized in furniture that would restrain a body in different ways. OMG on-line bondage?!?!  I want to know more but then they all came back…plus I just met the guy so I try to keep my eagerness to find out more totally hidden.

Through the course of our conversation Olaf refered to his wife as a princess at one point.  Other than that he didn’t speak much about her.  I had mentioned something about wanting to watch the Game of Thones to check out the hot chick that gets naked and he lit up asking me, “Do you like women?”.  When I left the room he told my fiancé how he thought I was, so my little horny mind is going berserker.  What if he has a hot wife that likes girls and they will spank my ass while I lick her up and down? When he left that night he gave me lingering close hug.

The next night he invited us over for our kids to play and meet the Mrs.  Walking up the porch he hollers out hello sexy.  Nice condo, nice car….open the door meet the Mrs.  OMG she is a big lady, she is also signficantly older than I would expect a princess to be.  She is super sweet but is definitely not getting licked by me.  We’ll be friends though. They just moved here three weeks ago so she was very happy to meet us.  Though I feel a little guilty about it but I still wonder if he wants to bind me and spank my ass and I wonder if I’d let him. Only time will tell. Gotta be safe with that kinda of stuff.

Some tears, some cheers and Gomez…..

1 Oct

I was sad to say that after that shitty day Tom was not able to talk to me that night.  He did call me first thing in the morning when I got into my office.  He asked if everything was OK and I gave him the short version, ” My fiancé was being a dick”.  I was alone in the office so I had some time to talk.  He said all the nice things I needed to hear, how I deserve better and my fiancé doesn’t know how lucky he is.  He brought up how men from the South tend to treat their women better.  He said there’s something about being raised Southern.  Having him be so nice and saying those things alluding to it’s just not something in him to treat a lady like my fiancé treats me some times.  Well it got me all choked up.  I just said you’re wife’s a lucky lady before I lost my voice for a second.  He said a few nice things, telling me I have him to, but I don’t.  He could hear me crying. I couldn’t stop it.  He said something about deserving more and all I could say was it’s my fault. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. I said I’m sorry some times talking to you makes me sad and that I had to go.  My co-workers will be at the office soon and I need to get myself together.  He told me he loves me and got off the phone reluctantly.

My manager came in and called me into his office.  He felt bad on how he had relayed the issues with the client that has trouble working with me. I let him know I need to hear it.  How else will I get better?  We talked a little longer about my progress. How when he leaves I will seamlessly get promoted into his job and how I’m so much further ahead that he was at my age.  It was good to hear. He also said that the training class I’m taking in about a week will help me with how to work these customers better.  I told him I think talking to the client in person will help so I made plans to go the next day to call on her at her location.  He was proud of me taking the initiative and putting myself in the line of fire.  All things said this customer is a notorious bitch.

I talked to Tom on my lunch.  I was able to be fun and collected then.  He had sent me a text shortly after we hung up telling me he was worried about me and to make sure I was OK and that I had stopped leaking.  I found that odd because I had refered to my crying as leaking as well when I wrote my last post the night before.  It was a reference to a TV show that had been canceled years ago 3rd Rock from the Sun.  Who would have thought!  We laughed and talked about how excited we are to see each other.  I let him know his ex-supervisor had send a friend request to me on Facebook but I thought it was a farce.  the man’s profile said he’d just left his wife foreclosed his home was moving in with his new girlfriend who is a hottie from the store where he works and that his hobbies include ruining his sons and his wife’s lives and cheating on his wife.  Weird right?  Well come to find out some one was just doing that to him.  Faked a profile and was friending every woman that seemed to be arround the poor bastard.  Made me think how easy it would be for anyone to do that to anyone.  Kinda scary!

I had tickets for a Gomez show that night.  (I’m curious if anyone else has heard of this band because they are from South Port and no one I know seems to have heard of them) So I spoke with my fiancé to see if he still wanted to come.   It was a dry conversation to say the least but he did say he wanted to come and he was going to be helpful in getting the boys ready.  Even better he was going to drive and the show was in an outdoor amphitheater at a brewery.  After work we packed up in the car like a happy little family and went to the show.  The boys were angels the first act was boring!  The boys were attracting attention everywhere.  A few songs into the Gomez set I felt like dancing so I took the boys down with me and we danced like no one was watching.  My two year old has some impressive dance moves and even found a little girl about his age to dance with!  We had blast and my fiancé was nice even though he didn’t like the music and he was still upset with me.

I think I’m always avoiding confrontation.  I need to find a way to step up.  Something’s got to change.  Iwas so sure that I wouldn’t be able to live with him, but now it’s a maybe.  There are so many maybe if I, or maybe it’s the meds or the money problems or our young boys, or my affair with Tom.  So many things to sort out and I just want to feel loved and appreciated I feel like it all rides on me.  Maybe that’s my answer.

You are the only one who knows…..

5 Aug

I know what I’m doing is wrong in many people’s eyes.  I feel like it’s justified based on my situation but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I have some people who I could trust to tell but I don’t want to burden them with this secret too.  So here I am writing a blog out into cyberspace where no one I know is likely to find it.  I would very much like feedback.  Weather it’s calling me an underhanded bitch or cheering me on to make a better life with the one I love.  Who knows maybe you’re in the same boat or know some one who is.  I’d love to hear about it.  So if you’re reading this you are one of the very few people in the world that knows that I’m ridiculously horny, total infatuated with my new lover, quite a bit of a wreck and defiantly the only thing keeping my family afloat.  So call it how you see it.  Tell me what you would do if you were me, or my lover or my fiance.  Maybe you can recommend a love song that will further my sulking or lift my spirits.  Is there a blog out there I should read.  An advice columnist that would love to comment on my story.  Let me know.  So there you have it.  Who I am might need to be a secret but I’m willing to share anything about me that you want to know.  Send me an email or post your opinion and remember you are the only one who knows.