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I can only go up and then down and then up again from here…

5 Oct

 I’m on a roller coaster this year.  I was so down in the dumps.  My fiancé had surgery.  His sisters came to live with us to help.  One of them had a nervous breakdown and had to leave.  The younger one stayed and was so sweet.  My fiancé constantly complaining about my family.  Then in April a business trip. I felt like I was on top of the world.  Managing a branch, meeting new contacts, enjoying the night life.  My fiancé brining me down at every phone contact until it finally ended up he would just yell at me and call me names.  Then the last night that magical Thursday night where I found comfort in Tom’s arms.  He already had my attention by being so nice.  For more about it check out my post, I wasn’t looking but I got found…http://wp.me/p1IMS5-j

 

When I got back home my fiancé again was mean and made me sad.  I made contact with Tom and we started talking.  We were both still flush with the thrill of our night together.  When there was a chance that his friends band would play in our town we started talking about meeting.  The things he would say gave me such a rush.  I was on top of the world.  Thoughts of him filled my days and nights.  When I found out the tour wouldn’t come to the town 15 minutes away I still had to see him.  We made plans to meet outside of the tour.  The 55 day count down was exciting and all my troubles seemed to vanish as I waited for him to come to me.

 

After the trip his child came to stay with him and the contact dwindled.  When she left he was bummed and things didn’t go back to the same.  In the mean time my life had gotten away from me.  I was like a zombie just making it through on auto pilot.  I let things get worse. 

 

Everything I’d do I’d wonder how Tom would fit in.  How my fiancé just doesn’t compare to him.  How stuck I am.  Now as my count down is down to 7 days I’m scared.  I’m excited to see him but sad to know this might change everything forever.  The tears keep coming and I don’t know what to do to make things better.

 

I started this blog because I was so excited about all these new feelings that I had no one to share them with.  Now it’s just my neurotic ramblings.  I feel like I’m trying to keep my life running like I keep my car together.  Duct tape, zip ties and special fluids.  No matter what I feel better writing this stuff down.  I’m starting to wish I had more time to write and read.

Trying to frind my way….

4 Oct

I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.  On one had I can’t imagine life without my fiancé and on the other I can’t see a good life with him.  I am talking to Tom less and less.  I know I’ll never get to be with him.  It’s just something I got myself carried away with.  I’m still so excited to see him but I think I need to tell him I just can’t do it anymore.  It breaks my heart I really feel like we could make each other happy.  He is happy he doesn’t need me for that.  I’m the sad messed up one.  I started to think if my fiance leaves me because of this trip.  If I get caught there is no turning back.

When I think of being alone I get scared.  I really don’t have many friends.  I feel like the trashy person no one wants at their parties.  I don’t think that’s true but for some reason I get so insecure.  I see a long lonely life with the people who were once friendly acquaintances not wanting to see me because of what happened with me and my fiancé.  I get so self-conscious with new people.  I feel like I’ve been in this bubble for so long I don’t know how to operate without my fiancé.  I remember having this feeling of not belonging anywhere when my fiancé and I broke up 5 or 6 years ago.

I’m so torn.  What can I tell my fiancé?  How can I work on things?  He’s already so fragile.  He says how we’re in a loveless relationship,  how I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t know if I do or if I even can love him like I used to.  The worst part is I came back to him.  Throwing myself at him.  Telling him I was a bad girlfriend not enough sex and not doing enough around the house.  I made him cum every morning for I don’t know how long when we got back together back then.  He makes me feel safe and it feels like home with him.  It’s just everything else that is fucked up.  I don’t know if anyone would accept me like he does. I don’t know what would happen with the kids, the house, the dogs, my pay check and on and on…..

A while back I said to myself I just need to put my head down and work on myself.  I think that’s what I should do.  I need; to get into shape, a better routine around the house, a secondary source of income, a better vehicle, a more organized approach to leading my little crew at work, more time with my extended family and a circle of friends.  It’s a big list.  I know I can do it.  I just need to stop making problems for myself.  I just need to put my fiancé on the back burner and have a back bone when it comes to letting him know what I need to help run this household while we’re in it together.

Some tears, some cheers and Gomez…..

1 Oct

I was sad to say that after that shitty day Tom was not able to talk to me that night.  He did call me first thing in the morning when I got into my office.  He asked if everything was OK and I gave him the short version, ” My fiancé was being a dick”.  I was alone in the office so I had some time to talk.  He said all the nice things I needed to hear, how I deserve better and my fiancé doesn’t know how lucky he is.  He brought up how men from the South tend to treat their women better.  He said there’s something about being raised Southern.  Having him be so nice and saying those things alluding to it’s just not something in him to treat a lady like my fiancé treats me some times.  Well it got me all choked up.  I just said you’re wife’s a lucky lady before I lost my voice for a second.  He said a few nice things, telling me I have him to, but I don’t.  He could hear me crying. I couldn’t stop it.  He said something about deserving more and all I could say was it’s my fault. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. I said I’m sorry some times talking to you makes me sad and that I had to go.  My co-workers will be at the office soon and I need to get myself together.  He told me he loves me and got off the phone reluctantly.

My manager came in and called me into his office.  He felt bad on how he had relayed the issues with the client that has trouble working with me. I let him know I need to hear it.  How else will I get better?  We talked a little longer about my progress. How when he leaves I will seamlessly get promoted into his job and how I’m so much further ahead that he was at my age.  It was good to hear. He also said that the training class I’m taking in about a week will help me with how to work these customers better.  I told him I think talking to the client in person will help so I made plans to go the next day to call on her at her location.  He was proud of me taking the initiative and putting myself in the line of fire.  All things said this customer is a notorious bitch.

I talked to Tom on my lunch.  I was able to be fun and collected then.  He had sent me a text shortly after we hung up telling me he was worried about me and to make sure I was OK and that I had stopped leaking.  I found that odd because I had refered to my crying as leaking as well when I wrote my last post the night before.  It was a reference to a TV show that had been canceled years ago 3rd Rock from the Sun.  Who would have thought!  We laughed and talked about how excited we are to see each other.  I let him know his ex-supervisor had send a friend request to me on Facebook but I thought it was a farce.  the man’s profile said he’d just left his wife foreclosed his home was moving in with his new girlfriend who is a hottie from the store where he works and that his hobbies include ruining his sons and his wife’s lives and cheating on his wife.  Weird right?  Well come to find out some one was just doing that to him.  Faked a profile and was friending every woman that seemed to be arround the poor bastard.  Made me think how easy it would be for anyone to do that to anyone.  Kinda scary!

I had tickets for a Gomez show that night.  (I’m curious if anyone else has heard of this band because they are from South Port and no one I know seems to have heard of them) So I spoke with my fiancé to see if he still wanted to come.   It was a dry conversation to say the least but he did say he wanted to come and he was going to be helpful in getting the boys ready.  Even better he was going to drive and the show was in an outdoor amphitheater at a brewery.  After work we packed up in the car like a happy little family and went to the show.  The boys were angels the first act was boring!  The boys were attracting attention everywhere.  A few songs into the Gomez set I felt like dancing so I took the boys down with me and we danced like no one was watching.  My two year old has some impressive dance moves and even found a little girl about his age to dance with!  We had blast and my fiancé was nice even though he didn’t like the music and he was still upset with me.

I think I’m always avoiding confrontation.  I need to find a way to step up.  Something’s got to change.  Iwas so sure that I wouldn’t be able to live with him, but now it’s a maybe.  There are so many maybe if I, or maybe it’s the meds or the money problems or our young boys, or my affair with Tom.  So many things to sort out and I just want to feel loved and appreciated I feel like it all rides on me.  Maybe that’s my answer.

WTF….

29 Sep

My morning started out normal enough I made some oatmeal for the family. As I was making lattes for my fiancé and I he seasoned the oatmeal and served it to the boys. I was bringing sprinkles for the boys to put on the oatmeal as my oldest asked for cinnamon in his. My fiancé said he already added some so I went to the stove to serve myself. It smelled like Indian food, weird right? I put my nose into my bowl of oatmeal and that was it. My fiancé added cumin instead of cinnamon. He took a bite before I could spit out the words. He said he couldn’t get the cumin taste out of his mouth …*giggle*. I made another batch and was now running late.

At work for the most part things are good. I’m the department lead. We are making record profits and when my manager moves on I pretty much have his job in the bag. At the end of the day my manager is having a strange conversation in his office. One of our top clients is bitching about how I delivered a final decision on their account. My manager bends to her request even though his boss had said not to. I had the authority to make the call but it wad an unreasonable request. We got in a long talk about how he learned to deal with these blow hards. He says not to wory about it but how can he expect them to respect my decisions if the can just push him around and get what they want. Needless to say I went home a little frustrated.

I was feeling sick and had a headache at the end of the day. It could have been that I’d had just some cheese and crackers for lunch and I was getting crampy from the time of the month. I get home and say hello to everyone. I ho into the kitchen where my fiancé is cooking dome stir fry and right before I reach him my stomach turns and cramps and I get a horrible look on my face from the discomfort. I say I feel sick. He the yells at me telling me that shouldn’t be the first thing I say to him. I’m instantly pissed. I tell him I said hello daddy as I was came in the house. That I truly feel sick and that’s the first thing he says to me every morning for months now. I’m crying now and go sit with my boys and space out as they watch sesame street. He calls us in for dinner and snaps at me because I only have a tiny bit of food on my plate. I say again I feel sick and he starts in on me again. He calls me a cunt at the dinner table in front of my boys. I politely ask him not to say such words in front of them. At that point he yells at me gor being 15 minutes late and I told him I was talking to my boss about a problem account. He says you lied in your text about just leaving the office. I try to explain and he yells what else do you lie about. What are you doing with your phone all the time. My 4 year old leans over and say do you remember how much fun we had at the fair without Daddy. He gets pissed saying how we’d lile it if he wasn’t around. My oldest said I was just trying to tell mommy a secret. The boys and I are done eating and i’m trying to think of where we can go when my fiancé says he’s leaving. It’s good for me. As he takes off on his beach cruiser I pray for a car to hit him or a freak lightning storm to take him out. When he’s gone the boys and I do puzzles together. I’m trying not to cry but I keep leaking a little. My two year old brings me a beer saying here you go mama have a beer. I have him put it back but thank him. My oldest tells me how he doesn’t like it when we fight. He says he saw my tears and and it makes him sad and gave me a hug. He asks when will you feel like your self again. I finally cheer up and we pick up and do bedtime stories.

My fiancé returns home and I take my muts out for a walk. Tom is already in bed with his wife 700 fucking miles away and I feel defeated I’m broke, I’ve got two great kids with an asshole that I don’t have the guts to stand up to and I need to grow a dick to get ahead at work. What the fuck!!!!

Beating it to a diffrent drum…..

9 Sep

Tom used to send me texts, describing in detail what he wanted to do to me.  His storeys were so sexy that I’d be so wet for him.  So horny it was hard to walk.  I couldn’t wait untill I had a minute to masturbate to the picture he’d paint for me.  Sadly they have not been coming.  Our time together was hot.  Thinking of him going down on me or waking him up by putting his cock in my mouth still turn me on but without him playing along it’s not the same.  He talked about how hot it was when we fucked behind a building outside but he didn’t go on like he used to.  He had recently said his kid visiting then leaving has had him feeling off.  I can respect that but I still wonder.  I want to ask him but when we’ve talked lately it’s been at work or a short conversation.  He always has a lot to say but we talk about every day stuff more often now.  The other day he texted me to check out this video on the web.  It was hot, this chick was in a device that held her in half, feet over her head and an anonymous person flogged her and pleasured her.  Today when I got off the phone with him he let me know he was going to masturbate.  I like it when he does.  He’s sent me video of him stroking himself, done it for me on Skype and when he would tell me about masturbating it was usually to pictures of me ( I’ve sent him way too many pictures) but this time it felt weird.  I think if he was still telling me those sexy storeys and telling me how much I turn him on it would be different.  Maybe things have changed and this is the right time to take a break, talk less and stuff.  I don’t know but I want to have at least an hour to talk to him when I bring it up.  It’s so weird to have a long distance love affair.  I don’t know how to handle myself.  I was kinda hoping that with time things would change but his kid left two weeks ago.  How long should I wait?  Maybe the universe is steering me away from him.  On a side note, tried to masturbate today thinking of Tom and my fiancé came home!  Didn’t finish so I wore my Benwa Balls to work today.  Kinda exciting!  When I told Tom he said he likes it when I have them in because then he knows I’m thinking of him.  I told him I’m always thinking of him.  Hmmm…..maybe playing a little harder to get would work.  I’ve never been one to play things a certain way to get what I want but I’ve never been a cheater and had a long distance love affair either.

What’s up buttercup?…..

5 Sep

I thought I was on the right track.  I thinking I’ll talk to Tom a little less.  Try not to be touching my phone constantly looking for his next message to me.  I planned to go home and have some wine and be nice to my fiancé.  Maybe even try to be romantic, getting a little tipsy always helps, right?  My night started off well.  I got home from work and my fiancé was BBQ’ing some ribs and potatoes.  I had some wine he had some too.  We were talking in the back yard having a puff or two.  I started in on myself, about how I need to do more.  My backyard is a mess, my garage has a pool table dartboard and video games and is so cluttered we cannot play anything, various areas of my house desperately need some organizing.  As I’m stressing about all I have to do he’s trying to comfort me.  How we have nice things, we own our home and the house is clean just needs some organizing.  After a nice dinner, I start to clean up the kitchen.  The kids and my fiancé are watching a movie.  I have not gotten to spend any time with the kids so I sit down and cuddle up with my oldest.  My youngest then hops on my lap.  We are talking about the movie and I get a text from Tom.  He is letting me know he’s going to bed early and won’t be able to talk.  I send him a quick goodnight.  We are watching the movie all warm and cozy and I doze off.  I know it doesn’t seem like much but it makes my fiancé so mad.  The kids are up about an hour and a half past bedtime.  After the movie, I’m getting them put to bed and I’m groggy.  I say no story tonight because we stayed up extra late to watch the movie.  The kids are OK with this.  Then as we are singing to them (we sing to them every night) my fiancé says they have not brushed their teeth.  I say they can do it tomorrow they are already in bed.  He then digs at me for being lax on my parenting.  I get their teeth brushed.  I help my 2 year old but let my 4 1/2 year old brush without my help.  My fiancé comes in to check on us.  Making sure I’m doing the brushing.  I let him know the oldest is doing a fine job on his own.  He starts makes a few other rude comments that make me not even want to look at him.  Instead of trying to wake myself up and hang out with him, I just crawl into bed.  I’m a heavy sleeper, he is not.  He often complains that if I’m cooking or cleaning in the kitchen I make too much noise for him to sleep.  So as I’m lying down I hear banging and smashing going on in the kitchen.  It is way beyond a by accident situation.  Then stomping along with the banging.  I do what I’m best at.  Ignore it and go to sleep.  I doze off and wake up I’m guessing shortly after because my fiancé has turned on all the lights.  He’s being kinda nice all of a sudden.  We talk about watching a show.  He puts on a show I missed that he had already seen to pass the time until the new show comes on.  I fall asleep again.  He doesn’t wake me this time. 

This morning I’m thinking maybe if we do it, he’ll be a little nicer.  Plus I wake up thinking of Tom and it makes me horny.  I know fucked up.  Before he can even answer I hear my youngest rustling around in the kitchen.  I get up and help him.  He needs to go potty.  Both the kids are up now and I take them into bed and we cuddle for a bit.  My fiancé doesn’t acknowledge us at all.  We go off to have some breakfast the boys want cereal.  So as they eat I’m cleaning.  All that noise last night was just my fiancé piling things into the skink not actually cleaning.  I then see Tom has played scrabble with me so I send a few words and then think about eating myself.  My fiancé is now up and cooking something.  The boys are asking to go cuddle again.  I tell them I will.  I send off one more scrabble word and go to hook up my phone to the CPU to download all the pictures I have.  I have to install the program to import the pictures.  While I’m fiddling with this stuff the boys run into our bedroom.  My fiancé starts yelling at me that I told them I would cuddle but I’m too busy with my phone.  I start to explain what I’m doing and he just barks that I’m not doing what I said I would do.  Then I say I’m hungry boys I want to eat something.  My fiancé barks at me again that I’m not attending to the boys.  So I ditch my breakfast.  Send a quick message to Tom wishing him a good morning and that I love him and then go cuddle with the boys.  As I pass my fiancé, he starts bitching at me.  Calling me names.  Telling me I’m a bad parent.  I ask how much he really engages the boys or just throws out toys or crayons and goes back to whatever he was watching or fucking with on his phone.  He claims he does engage them but he has given no details.  I shut the door and just enjoy the boys.  After we cuddle for a while, I tell them time to go play.  Send them out to the front where my fiancé is and I start folding laundry and putting it away.  I do another load.  Run the dishwasher and hop in the shower.  I have to be at work in 30 minutes.  On my way to work I’m just beside myself I just picture myself driving all the way to Tom and getting a big hug from him.  It’s so not possible he lives 12 hrs away, but it just sounds so good.  When I get to the office, I’m alone for a minute and there is a ton of work.  As my computer fires up I check my phone and see a message from Tom.  The messages go like this:

Me:  Hope you have a nice morning…..love you.

Tom: You don’t sound like your normal cheerful self.  You OK?

Me: I can’t believe you can tell….I’ll be OK

Tom: What’s up buttercup?

Tom: Couldn’t you tell if I was unhappy?

Me: Yes…It just wasn’t much of a message….I’m surprised you noticed with so little info….Thank you

Tom:  I love you Kelli.  It’s my job to pick up what you’re puttin down.

So that’s where I’m at.  Working my ass off.  Wishing I was someplace else.  Trying not to let my co-workers see me tear up.  Thinking I’m gonna fuck off after work.  It’s a short day being a holiday and all.  My fiancé doesn’t know.  My co-worker that is on with me today is just about my closest friend.  She knows what a dick my Fiancé is and she knows who Tom is but not the extent of our relationship.  Since she has dinner at my house and hangs out with my fiancé so I don’t want to burden her with the secret.  We might go get a drink together.  I hope I can keep my mouth shut and my eyes dry.

Gambling girl…..

8 Aug

Oh the weekend.  I used to love you.  Now you make me anxious and tired.  This weekend I had fun.  I got shit done.  We went over to my Mom’s and swam till about 11 at night.  The boys had a blast!  I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more, I think I cooked in there too.  We went to the park and ran around.  We went to a festival of Mustaches and Bicycles.  As my fiancé sat around while I was working away or was a poop at the festival that was smaller than we had anticipated I kept thinking would it be more fun with Tom.  My fiancé would try to kiss me or grab my tit or ass and I just couldn’t be receptive.  I wish he would just disappear some times.  While I’m digging in my back yard trying to prep to grow some grass he’s standing around smoking.  He did cut some tree into pieces but cleaned nothing and was bothered to watch the kids while I worked.  We did go on a bike ride together than was nice. 


I kept thinking could I mountain bike with Tom?  Oh my love, he had been out of touch for so long.  I was writing texts to myself with no response.  What a lonely place to be living with some one that you’re falling out of love with and be out of touch with the one you do love.  Doubt keeps sliding in, wondering if we would really be good together.  If my fiancé left, if we broke up would he want to be the one for me for real?  I try not to think about that.  I try to keep the issues separate.  If I get left by my fiancé for what I’m doing I’m not going to expect Tom to come and jump right into my life.  I want it to be that way. It’s so fucking hard to keep my mind straight.  I wonder what would happen if his wife was to find out.  Would she just forgive him?  Would she leave?  Should I ask him what he thinks?  When we started talking very little was off-limits.  I didn’t care what he thought of me if he stopped talking to me who cares.  He was cool but if he wasn’t cool with me whatever, right?  Now I’m hooked, I can’t stop thinking about him.  If he decided not to talk to me I’d be questioning myself.  I guess there is just so much more at stake now that I love him so.  I wonder if he’s just using me for sexual encounters that are low risk (expensive though).  I don’t think it’s the case but when you can’t see someone when you talk to them do you really know if they are telling the truth?  We’re talking about meeting up again but this time in a gambling city.  Well I guess I’m a gambling girl.  I’m almost all in here and I’m gonna stay on for the ride.  I hope I win big.  It’s gonna hurt like fuck if I bust.