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The first night in his domain….

31 Jul

The bands were good.  Someone skated the half pipe and fell a few times but didn’t get hurt.  They had 22s of my favorite beer.  I met a nice girl that works at a clothing consignment and second hand store.  Met some of the friends he has told me about.  Hung out with the preggo gal and her friends.  Tom chatted with some people away from me.  It was a different dynamic than I am used to.  The freedom not to be by my date’s side and not having to worry about how it will effect my night if I’m not shadowing him all the time. 

I smoked that night.  I bummed a cig the first time I smoked.  The next time I asked a fella and one of the girls I’d been talking to said, “You asked the wrong dude.  He’s the biggest bum.”  So being playful I asked him to bum a cig for me.  He did and we all chatted.  He is a funny little guy a drummer from a band and had a tattoo of a drumming panda on his arm.  We went in for a while and enjoyed the band.  They sounded great.  The energy in the room was awesome.  After a while we went back outside.  I talked with my drummer friend and Tom chatted with the girls.  The drummer guy’s buddy a singer for one of the bands they are in together came over. 

This is a punk show.  I’m not very punk. I’m more of a rock-a-billy, metal, Cali girl combo.  They started talking about my outfit.  I’m wearing a black Lucky 13 tank top with a little green loose knitted sweater and a pair of slightly baggy wide leg torn up washed out light blue jeans.  I’m from California so I’m wearing flip flops, simple black.  I’ve got black hair, betty bangs, red lips, cat eyes and little plugs.  They start in about my pants and shoes.  I should be wearing tight black jeans worn in, some chucks and not a brand name tank.  I’m teasing them back that I look good and they look like shit.  They start saying from here up beautiful, hand slicing me at my waist, from here down needs work.  They spin me arround, but you have a nice ass, front side great boobs. Here let me take off that sweater he says, it was hooked with a safety pin behind the button so he bit it off.  He’s clearly drunk but he’s funny and I’m teasing him.  Out of nowhere Tom comes through the guys and grabs me right at the sides of my boobs and guides me through those two and back to his truck.

I’m giggling the whole way.  Tom said he was done with the show.  He wanted to get me alone.  We make out in the car for a bit.  Those arousal pills were making me feel even more ready than I thought.  We’re touching and kissing on the drive home.  He grabs some towels and we head for the hot tub.  The night sky is beautiful.  We get in nude and start kissing.  I don’t know if it’s the pills or the night or the excitement to be with him again but it’s AMAZING.  I’m riding him as we’re kissing, half floating away and pulling myself back down hard.  Grinding, getting chills and tingles. 

He takes me upstairs and we’re fucking every which way.  Licking and sucking.  Touching and pushing.  He starts to play with my ass and I return the favor.  I decide to let him try again.  I have him get the lube and we go slow.  I talk him through it.  Oh, my it was hard.  He is very thick and it took more work than I thought to get him inside of me.  It was amazing but still surprising.  Once he felt comfortable he started to thrust harder.  I had to direct him to slow down.  This seems to be something I do when I’m tipsy so I threw caution to the wind and let him go back to fucking my pussy where he could thrust hard.  After a bit more fun he let me know he was cumming and I took him into my mouth.  I worked every last bit out of him as he moaned and his body shuddered against me.  He held me breathlessly and told me how wonderful it felt.  I told him how much I love him and that it was perfect for me too.  I was happy to be his first.  We fell asleep easily in each others arms.

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Kinda like it used to be….

17 Feb

I don’t know if you recall a recent post where I’d missed going to a show because I was feeling…um…well…crazy.  Well the same two artists were playing later in the week.  My fiancé called me and said he talked to our friend (my girl crush) and she would be there with her eight year old daughter.  He called a couple of our other friends to invite them out as well. 

He had dinner ready when I got home.  We got there and our friend greeted us warmly.  I danced with the boys and the artists sounded great.  Some other folks I know were there and I got to say hi.  I only felt a little awkward.  I hung close to the boys. I’ve grown to feel like I need to be the one to mind them when I’m out with my fiancé.

He mingled the artists and our friends.  Everyone loves him.  He’s so friendly and engaging.  When it was time to go we gave hugs and good byes and everyone says we should get together, bowl, have beers, barbecue, take the kids to the park. 

He was so sweet to put this together thinking of me.  He becomes so charming and personable.  It’s times like these that leave me baffled.

Will you still love me…..

25 Oct

I may have made a bad choice.  A poor choice of words maybe.  Maybe I’m just a bad communicator all together.  Knowing I need to focus to try to right things in my life I decided to do it.  Tell Tom that I need to talk to him a bit less.  We had not talked for most of the weekend and when talking on Monday I was a bit of a mess.  The bills, the house work, my missing him.  It is all building.  We talked about happy stuff at first.  He’s going out to see a band he likes tonight.  Then I start to tell him how stressed out I am.  How after my fiancé was horrible that it went back to pretty much normal only my fiancé was being super nice.  How I wish I had a partner that would help.  I’m up my eyeballs in debt and house work and how he (Tom) is the perfect escape.  I go on saying after going out to the pumpkin patch this weekend as a family I keep thinking I need to work harder to keep my family together.  He listened he didn’t judge me.  I told him how much I love him.  How I wish I knew what to do. 

Then I said it, would you love me as much if we talked less.  How could he say no.  I told him that I need to work on getting another job, that I should use my lunch breaks to try to get things together in my life.  That the night might be the best time for us to talk.  He seemed to take it real well, oh that and I was crying.  He said he wishes he could give me what I need.  That he could help me.  Just talking with him and my short time being with him helps, the perfect escape.  I thank him for the camping trip, for being someone who is kinda normal that loves me.  I clean myself up and go back to work.

That night after dinner I’m in neurotic cleaning mode moping sweeping, toilets, dishes, counters laundry.  Tom had said “we have plans to go to the show” I think meaning his wife, so I’m not trying to get out to talk to him.  I get a message that he just got to the show.  Later I get these bands suck.  Later on I get ” So is the talking less a way of distancing yourself or giving yourself more time to accomplish tasks?”.  I’m starting to think I should have gone out to walk the muts and talk to him.  My response ” I think both, I’m cleaning right now and I think I love y ou a little more than is OK.  Part reality check part neurotic fix stuff mission.” I’m starting to feel weird and anxious.  I didn’t even think about hurting his feelings.  Even though he loves me I think it’s different that he could go for years with out talking to me and still love me, but he doesn’t need me.  He has a good wife and a good life.  In my mind I’m the one that would benefit from him, I would just be a burden to him other than the sex and stuff.  His reply “….It makes sence to me….but I’ve been drinking….and I mean I’m D runk.”  I tell him I wish I could be there.  How I’d love to get D runk with him (we were pretty drunk the first night we kissed but not D runk!) after a few more cute texts we send our good nights. 

Now our no worries, no strings relationship has gotten complicated.  For the first time I’m worried that I hurt his feelings.  I don’t know how to ask.  Now I wish didn’t draw a line in the sand cutting off our lunch talks.  It might be nothing, I sent him a text  saying I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  Nothing.  I sent later that getting people to take my résumé in person is harder than I thought.  His response could have been an answer to both “Really, I thought you were unshakeable.”  Now nothing.  I’ve done it to myself.  I hope he stays up to talk to me tonight.  This could all be so simple why do I have to complicate things?

Some tears, some cheers and Gomez…..

1 Oct

I was sad to say that after that shitty day Tom was not able to talk to me that night.  He did call me first thing in the morning when I got into my office.  He asked if everything was OK and I gave him the short version, ” My fiancé was being a dick”.  I was alone in the office so I had some time to talk.  He said all the nice things I needed to hear, how I deserve better and my fiancé doesn’t know how lucky he is.  He brought up how men from the South tend to treat their women better.  He said there’s something about being raised Southern.  Having him be so nice and saying those things alluding to it’s just not something in him to treat a lady like my fiancé treats me some times.  Well it got me all choked up.  I just said you’re wife’s a lucky lady before I lost my voice for a second.  He said a few nice things, telling me I have him to, but I don’t.  He could hear me crying. I couldn’t stop it.  He said something about deserving more and all I could say was it’s my fault. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. I said I’m sorry some times talking to you makes me sad and that I had to go.  My co-workers will be at the office soon and I need to get myself together.  He told me he loves me and got off the phone reluctantly.

My manager came in and called me into his office.  He felt bad on how he had relayed the issues with the client that has trouble working with me. I let him know I need to hear it.  How else will I get better?  We talked a little longer about my progress. How when he leaves I will seamlessly get promoted into his job and how I’m so much further ahead that he was at my age.  It was good to hear. He also said that the training class I’m taking in about a week will help me with how to work these customers better.  I told him I think talking to the client in person will help so I made plans to go the next day to call on her at her location.  He was proud of me taking the initiative and putting myself in the line of fire.  All things said this customer is a notorious bitch.

I talked to Tom on my lunch.  I was able to be fun and collected then.  He had sent me a text shortly after we hung up telling me he was worried about me and to make sure I was OK and that I had stopped leaking.  I found that odd because I had refered to my crying as leaking as well when I wrote my last post the night before.  It was a reference to a TV show that had been canceled years ago 3rd Rock from the Sun.  Who would have thought!  We laughed and talked about how excited we are to see each other.  I let him know his ex-supervisor had send a friend request to me on Facebook but I thought it was a farce.  the man’s profile said he’d just left his wife foreclosed his home was moving in with his new girlfriend who is a hottie from the store where he works and that his hobbies include ruining his sons and his wife’s lives and cheating on his wife.  Weird right?  Well come to find out some one was just doing that to him.  Faked a profile and was friending every woman that seemed to be arround the poor bastard.  Made me think how easy it would be for anyone to do that to anyone.  Kinda scary!

I had tickets for a Gomez show that night.  (I’m curious if anyone else has heard of this band because they are from South Port and no one I know seems to have heard of them) So I spoke with my fiancé to see if he still wanted to come.   It was a dry conversation to say the least but he did say he wanted to come and he was going to be helpful in getting the boys ready.  Even better he was going to drive and the show was in an outdoor amphitheater at a brewery.  After work we packed up in the car like a happy little family and went to the show.  The boys were angels the first act was boring!  The boys were attracting attention everywhere.  A few songs into the Gomez set I felt like dancing so I took the boys down with me and we danced like no one was watching.  My two year old has some impressive dance moves and even found a little girl about his age to dance with!  We had blast and my fiancé was nice even though he didn’t like the music and he was still upset with me.

I think I’m always avoiding confrontation.  I need to find a way to step up.  Something’s got to change.  Iwas so sure that I wouldn’t be able to live with him, but now it’s a maybe.  There are so many maybe if I, or maybe it’s the meds or the money problems or our young boys, or my affair with Tom.  So many things to sort out and I just want to feel loved and appreciated I feel like it all rides on me.  Maybe that’s my answer.

Rambeling about myself…..

14 Aug

In a nut shell my situation is this.  I’m with my fiancé who I’ve been together with for 15 years now.  We have been together since high school.  We have two kids under the age of 5, two dogs, a house and two cars.  Kinda like the American dream right?  Well that’s the short version.  I feel the need to give the long version now. 

We are both high school drop-outs.  I some have a great job even though I’m quite the fuck up.  I’ve smoked weed well over half of my time on this earth.  I got my job at before they started drug testing.  I enjoy using a variety of tamer drugs for recreation when the time is right.  Before my kids I used to trip about once a month.  Do E about every so often and do blow well probably 4-5 nights a week.  Don’t even ask about the drinking.  Even with all this I always showed up to work and performed.  I have a grow room all my own.  When it’s working I stay up late caring for my ladies and playing chemist with all the supplements that a hydro system needs.  I listen to metal, psychobilly, reggae and rock.  I’m just starting to get into punk.  I love to go to shows and even though I’m too old for this shit I love to bounce around in a mosh pit.  Now instead of a Slayer pit I stick to the more tame ones.  Even though I have two little kids I still like to have a good time, but I will not let my wants get in the way of caring for them and protecting them.  I have scaled back my partying a ton.  In fact now it’s probably 2 – 3 nights a year that I get crazy and that’s only when the kids are safely staying with a family member.  I’m learning how to live a “normal” life.  My co-workers mostly don’t know about my tendency to party.  They for sure don’t know I’m bi.  I feel like I have to keep so much of my self separate from parts of my life.  My work has social events some times you bring your spouse.  I have trouble bringing my fiancé because of all the stuff he cannot talk about.  Plus with no career or job he kinda doesn’t fit in.  I think sometimes like I’m an undercover freak.

Now I’ve got a new secret in my life Tom.  He doesn’t do drugs or smoke.  He has a job.  He was in the military for 10 years.  He does like to go to shows and he loves me.  I think he is the closest to a normal person who loves me ever.  I broke up with my fiancé once and I started dating a chef who was also a large-scale grower close to normal but not so much.  He had 10lbs of weed in his back room and half a pound of psychedelic mushrooms and the underside of his deck was double grow room.  Now I have a guy who is interested in me that would match up with how normal my life has become.  I could take him with me to the normal events and I wouldn’t have to remind him of what not to talk about.  I’ve told him about as much of my life as he would listen too.  I’d feel comfortable telling him anything he wants to know.  He says he’d be OK if I still chose to do drugs for fun.  He’s OK with me liking women ( guess what guy wouldn’t be).  He even said he would be OK letting me fuck another guy if it made me happy.  I love the way I feel when I’m talking to him.  When I’m with him.  He lives 700 miles from me.  He is married, they have a house, two dogs and two cars and a person they take care of.  We’ve only been in the same place a total of 6 days.  3 of those days were only a few hours.  I am so drawn to him.  When we talk about sex I’m so turned on by him.  When we talk about everyday stuff I want to be there.  When we talk about meeting I’m ready to run to him.  Still I don’t know where this will lead.  My heart is getting way to wrapped up in this and I’m starting to lose it.  My life was already complicated but now it’s dizzying. 

Some times I wonder why don’t I just say good-bye to both of them.  One doesn’t help me much and sometimes drags me down.  The other is, well, unavailable.  Then I think who would know me and love me.  I need a decent person to be with me and my kids and what decent person would like me with my crazy ways.  Maybe I’m over thinking this but it keeps coming back arround in my head.  I think I’ll do what I’ve always done.  Look forward, work hard and keep being me.

Ball game and a show……

12 Aug

I had the most fun I had in a long time about a month ago.  My work had gotten a luxury box for a base-ball game.  Free beer and brats!  Had some good company and didn’t have to drive.  The game was over way quick.  I got a good buzz going and we stopped at the local tavern when we got back to the town where my boss lives.  Had some great fries and some Lucky 13 from Lagunitas. 

I was early for my next adventure so I took a few minutes in the restroom to change into to a sexy sleeveless top and took my makeup up a notch for the show!  I was going to see the Reverend with the Swinging Utters!  While waiting for my fiancé to meet me I layed down in the grass in a park with a great view.  I had a video call with Tom.  I wished I was going to the show with him but with 700 miles between us it’s hard to get a date.  So my fiancé, our friend and I went out to dinner.  The place we went had great salsa.  I ordered a crab tostada.  The crab was horrible.  I tried their burritos also bad.  I had almost no dinner due to the poor quality of food.  Plus my stomach was touch due to all the beer and ball park junk food.  I was texting with Tom and he asked how much do you want to kiss me.  I said more than I want to smoke a joint.  I asked him the same question, he replied with the same answer.  I teased him saying you don’t smoke I’m offended.  Then my phone died.  I felt bad that I left him hanging but I could not ask my fiancé for his phone to text my lover now could I?  We ran into a friend who runs a tattoo shop down the way from the concert hall and smoked a joint with him.  It sure helped my tummy.  Now I’m feeling great! 

We got into the show and we were early.  I got my first Sailor and 7 for the night and we hung out and watched the crowd.  The opening band was great.  I had never seen the before and was so glad that I did.  The pit was small.  There was very tall guy with a huge mohawk in the pit the whole time, even soloing it at times.  I was being my self yelling my approval to the band bouncing around ready to run into the pit but I didn’t.  I was pretty drunk when they started to set up for the Reverend.  We saw a few friends and said our hello and they went back up to the front where we couldn’t go.  My fiancé had a surgery about 7 months ago and still didn’t do well with crowds.  He wanted me to hang with him so we were on the floor but against a wall off to the side.  When the Reverend came on I was drunk.  The pit was heating up and the band sounded great.   I wore flip-flops to the show because I knew my fiancé would not want me in the pit without him being to go in if he felt the need.  I kept taking off my shoes and starting to go.  He’s holding me back by my belt loops.  I give up at times and just dance with my back to him.  I feel him pulling at me here and there but I’m thinking he’s just trying to keep me from taking off for the front of the stage or the pit.  After the show I’m drunk and kinda pissy he wouldn’t let me play.  We had a friend that had said he could get us back stage but my fiancé didn’t even call him.  I was kinda disappointed about that. 

We went back to my friend’s house and had a beer in the hot tub and smoked another doobie.  I fell asleep in the car on the way home and when I got home I laughed my ass all the way into the house and to bed.  It was a great time.  I kept thinking I might have had more fun with Tom.  The next day I told Tom about the show.  He teased me that I forgot about him.  His response to how much he wanted to kiss me was more than he wanted to breath.  How sweet, he is always so sweet.  He said he would have let me play in the pit and go up to the front of the stage.  He knows one of the techs for the band he said he would have gotten us backstage to meet the Reverend and Jimbo (I always forget the drummers name).  I guess it’s easy to think it would be better if someone else was there but for some reason I really believe it.  I hope one day I’ll be able to see for real.  We said next time the Reverend tours we will go together.  I guess I will just have to wait and see.

I was getting in deeper than I thought…..

24 Jul

I would talk to him on my lunch breaks or sneak away from my house late at night, send text messages. The everyday stuff he does, always working on something around the house, fixing cars, painting, helping others and doing housework all made my fiancé pale in comparison. He had lived in amazing places I’d only dreamed of visiting. He has friends all over. Lovers that he would buy plane tickets to see. He tours with the band and seen a bunch of amazing shows going back stage at many of them. Skateboarding, off roading, snowboarding, camping, biking….he seemed to be all about hard work, adventure and passion. He talked about being with several girls at once. Making out with girls that had crushes on him. It all sounds like so much fun. I love girls, I love adventure and the more he told me I started to realize I love him. I kept telling myself it’s just the idea of him I’m falling for, but I could tell I was lying.