Archive | March, 2012

Round and round I go…..

15 Mar

My fiancé has to go to pain management sessions to keep receiving pain killers and of course to try to help him with his pain levels.  They have him talk to a councilor and when he relayed the session to me it was sad.  He was asked if the pain was effecting his relationship with me, of course he said yes.  Asked if he had any support, family near by, friends he can depend on.  He said no.  They asked if he thought his being a home maker was womans work and he says yes and adds that he loves his boys and is very happy to be with his kids.  They ask if there are any plans for separation and he tells them no and I say there’s no place for you to go anyway ( I know total bitch move ).

  He’s telling me all this and looking so sad.  He says how I don’t want to touch him, how he knows I don’t like him because I hardly look at him.  All I can do is look down at the bed and nod a little.  I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to put blame on him now.  Right now he is sad, pitiful and lost.  Honestly so am I.

My analytical side says things will never change.  He’ll always slide back to being the overbearing user that he has been all these years.  That we’ll always struggle and be at odds.  My heart had planned that we would be together forever.  My future was to have my family together, no sharing of holidays and weekends, I would grow old with someone I know and who knows me inside and out.  Who remembers me young and full of adventure.  Now that I’ve bonded to myself to him for life with our boys it makes it so much harder.

My cold heartless side says if I break things off and I kick him out he’ll get the disability and he’ll get the settlement he’s been working on from the injury and be up $50k while I’m still struggling.  He has mentioned getting these moneys and taking our family on a vacation and buying reliable cars.  He knows how this is killing me, that I work my ass off and feel guilty spending $20 on myself.  How I’m embarrassed to see my clients in my busted up car. 

Round in circles I go.  I do have an angel helping me take a look at my life to see where things have left me off kilter.  We talk when we can and honestly I think I might be to set in my ways to take her advice but I’m willing to listen and I won’t forget.  I may not do the right thing right away but at least I’ll have the knowledge for when it’s time.  I’m tired of being under the little black rain cloud. 

My day as a stalker…..

5 Mar

<p>Going into this he didn’t have a plan on how he could get free to see me.  I didn’t know what day to drive an hour South to meet him.  Thursday I got dressed in a skirt and a cute top and some cute lacy undies and left for the day like I was going to work.  I stopped at a department store and did some shopping.  Checking my phone.  Went to the local charity and dropped off some items.  Checking my phone.  Ran another errand.  Checking my phone……still nothing.</p>
<p>I got a text from Tom.  He and his crew were shopping on that same long street where we had walked together hand in hand, kissing at every corner.  He told me when he got close to where we had parked together he had expected to see my T-Bird. </p>
<p>I texted him back that I’m placing my bet on tomorrow and if he thinks it’s a bad be to let me know now.  I stopped by the library and got a few books and paid my fine.  He texted me back that they won’t leave his side.  I told him I’m going home and that I’ll drive to him tomorrow and maybe we’ll have some luck.</p>
<p>Friday I thought about wearing pants but chose a skirt again because a girl scout is ready for anything right?  I made breakfast for my family and left before having time to do my make-up. I texted Tom from a stop light that I was on my way to the city and I felt like I was skipping school.</p>
<p>Right about the time I get into the city I see a text from Tom that he’s at the chocolate factory.  I park about a block away and finish my make-up.  Then I see them, first Tom’s sister-in-law and wife, then brother and law and then him.  My heart starts racing.  I’m facing them as they are walking by me.  My mirror is down and I see them casually peer into my car.  Just checking out the nobody they know sitting there.  Tom has dark glasses on I don’t know if he saw me and he’s acting cool or if he saw nothing at all.  He’s at the back of the bunch.  I think I have to make a noise.  I think honk the horn, but no too obvious.  I roll down my window right as he walks by but he doesn’t even flinch.</p>
<p>They pass right by.  I see them gathered together at the waterfront talking.  Making their plans taking pictures.  I can’t stop looking.  I feel like such an outsider.  I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be there.  Fuck it I’m there and I’ve got to see him again.</p>
<p>I re-park closer to their destination.  I big tourist area that is like an outdoor mall.  I wait near a the museum that Tom and I had visited together July of last year.  I still don’t spot them.  I’m loosing hope I wonder if they got by me.  I head toward their destination texting him that I’m there and going to get a coffee.  He lets me know they’re almost there.  I text him back, “Ah, try not to look.”</p>
<p>It feels like forever that I sit there next to an old couple who are watching pigeons.  There is a band about ten yards away and a tour bus behind me.  Me and the old couple sitting on a bench drinking coffee on a warm sunny March day.  I’m waiting, adjusting my shirt, fussing with my phone, my purse, my hair and trying to look casual.</p>
<p>I see them coming I try not to stare.  I keep peeking casually.  Trying to keep my lips over my teeth.  My body wants to smile.  My legs want to get up and run to him.  My arms want to wrap around him.  I sit there forcing everything to remain calm.  He sees me and stares at me.  He’s dropped to the back of the group everyone’s distracted by the touristy hubbub.  He hangs back and looks at me and smiles.  It’s a warm wonderful smile and then he walks by.  He has to keep moving with the group.  I watch them not knowing what to do next.  I sit there feeling alone with the old couple I don’t know and watching my love walk by with his wife and her family. </p>
<p>I walk into alcove of shops and restaurants.  I try to shop around casually.  I’m suddenly aware that my bright blue blouse and brightly colored pencil skirt with a little ruffle at the bottom stick out in the crowd of drab-colored clothes. </p>
<p>I see them here and there.  I text Tom and he sends me little notes on where they are at.  While I was trying on rings he called me.  I picked up my phone and called him back and he didn’t answer.  He wasn’t alone again.  I sat and watched a magic show waiting for him to come out of the arcade.  I get a text saying they were back out on the street.  I had missed him some how. </p>
<p>They went back to the hotel and I did some shopping. I didn’t find the shoes I was hoping for but I did find a cute blouse.  I got to head home alone.  No hug or kiss for my efforts.  Just a smile a wonderful warm smile.</p>