Back to normal, but not back to the same…..

2 Jan

It’s been a pretty nice holiday season but I’m so glad it’s over. This year as I have most years I’ve vowed to be more prepaired going into the season so I could spend the time enjoying family and friends instead of scrambeling to make things cheery and bright.  This year the added time away from home working a second job made me miss a few holiday gatherings and my step sisters graudation from nursing school. 

 Last night after having a trying day with my fiance I packed up the Christmas decorations.  I kept thinking that I should be splitting up the ornaments instead of packing them all together.  Still I’m not sure if we will make it to another Christmas.  Going into the holidays thinking this was it, I was for sure done with trying to make it work.  Like so many others I couldn’t ruin my family’s holiday celebrations with the discord between my fiance and I.  I tried to soften up and see if maybe things can work.

My fiance has been sick most of the last two months.  He has been a bit more iratable and tired than usual.  Trying to bite my tongue while I bust my ass double time has been tough but it seemed to have paid off.  For a while he was a bit nicer to me.  More helpful around the house and a bit more optimistic.  The magic of the holidays seems to have put our relationship in a better light.  Then it was Christmas eve and we started to fight.  I got a little too drunk and ducked out of the line of fire durring a fight and accidently shrugged off my workload.  He came through.  He was very bitter about my let down. Making it hard for me to be genuine when showing him how much I really appricate what he did to make sure that Christmas was perfect for the boys.  Of course I tried to let that negitive energy roll off my back while being extra sweet to him.

So now it’s almost back to normal.  I have some big decisions ahead and a lot of work to do.  I am considering going to thearpy to help me talk this out and find the best decsion.  In my gut I think breaking away is probaby the best thing for me and my family.  The what ifs are a killer.  I keep thinking maybe if he gets better, if he gets disablity income or the settlement he is expecting, when the kids are in school, if we get more organized, if we break up will anyone want to be with me, will our friends still be my friends, will I be resentfull that he will have more freedom than I (asuming the kids stay with me)….the list goes on and on.


6 Responses to “Back to normal, but not back to the same…..”

  1. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress January 3, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    Therapy is your friend. I couldn’t have made the decision I needed to without help getting perspective.

    What ifs will paralyze you from taking action. They can be overwhelming. You can only work with the information and circumstances you have now. Try not to play out every senario in your head.

    Good luck. Such a painful place for you to be!

    • terriblytorn13 January 3, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

      It seems like it’s all I can do is play out every scenario in my head. With my fiancé having all these medical conditions and medications I feel like I need to make an extra try to sort things out before I break up our family.

  2. The Hook January 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm #

    Normal is boring! Isn’t it?

  3. mzklever January 22, 2012 at 5:56 am #

    If you split up, yes, you will lose a few friends. Yes, you will be resentful that you are full-time mommy with no help. You’re not likely to get child support unless he gets disability. BUT, you won’t have so much damned stress in your life, it will be worth it ALL!

  4. terriblytorn13 January 22, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    I know if I split my family will line up to support me and the boys. I am feeling like they keep their distance because my fiance makes them uncomfortable.

    It’s so weird I hear what you’re saying and ot makes sence yet I back peddle.

    The friends, honestly we don’t see very many anymore since they we’re mostly folks we’d go out drinking with. The ones that did have kids my fiance doesn’t like to hang out with because he doesn’t like how they raise their kids.

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