Living in limbo….

30 Nov

Sophia had recently commented that working two jobs I’ll be so tired.  So far it has not been bad.  I’ve only added about 25 hours per week of work to my load.  Today and tomorrow will be special.  I’m a little nervous to see how it will work out.  I’m working 8:30am-5pm at my day job and then 10:30pm to 6am at my night job then back to work 8:30am-5pm then back to work 10:30pm-6pm.  I intend to go home at 5pm eat something then sleep and get up and work.  When I get home maybe I’ll take the dogs out for a walk then shower then go back to working….wow it seems like a lot.  I really do think I can pull it off.  

My other half…well I asked him if he checked out the work from home links I forwarded to him.  He said he started to then the computer froze.  I asked if he filed for disability he said he wants to wait for a friends doctors office to handle the paperwork for him.  Did he check with his layer on the injury case, no. He did make dinner and vacuum the house.  I should be thankful, right?  He’s also being needy and whiney.  He wants me to hold him and kiss him.  It feels like a lie.  I know I’m now a first class liar but the faking affection is hard.  Much harder than making something up to cover why I have a glowing smile on my face after I get one of my lovers texts. 

Honestly, right now, I wish he could just disappear, not die, not move, just vanish, maybe reincarnate into a happy puppy or something.  I don’t know if I have the guts to send his sorry ass away only for him to shift from being viciously hateful to utterly pitiful and back again.  The thought of my kids getting shuffled arround is also weighing on me.  My fiancé says he wants to make it work. That he loves me.  The kids and I are the best thing that has ever happened to him but he is in such pain he needs help.  Maybe it’s the pain and the diabetes and the pills, but maybe it’s not.  How long can I wait, what do I do?

4 Responses to “Living in limbo….”

  1. The Hook December 1, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    I wish I could alleviate your confusion and distress with a few words banged out on my keyboard, but the truth is, I have no idea what to say. Only you know your comfort level; I mean, what are you prepared to do to be happy?
    Even if your man leaves – which I think is the only real answer – there is NO guarantee your lover will leave his wife. He has it pretty good right no, you have to admit.
    Just hang in there, young lady. Reach out to a friend or two, if that’s possible.

    • terriblytorn13 December 1, 2011 at 10:42 am #

      If I find myself single, I don’t expect my lover to come running to me however, I do believe we could rendezvous a little more often. A little because we are 700 miles away from each other. As the possibility of being single comes up I wonder how my lover would feel if I started dating available men, but since I am a Mother of two small boys I don’t see myself jumping back into dating very quickly if I do separate from my fiancé.

      Anyone I tell about my situation says I need to make a change. Weather it’s yelling at him to do more or just getting rid of him.

  2. mzklever December 6, 2011 at 2:49 am #

    You have to stop thinking of it as “getting rid of him”. Start thinking of it as “getting on with your life.” If you are truly worried about your boys being shuffled around, the fact is that your fiance has no means to care for them financially, nor does it sound as though he can do so physically, which means you could try for full physical custody. Even if you don’t want to do that, keep in mind that having a happy mommy is so much better for your boys than seeing you miserable, when they see you. If you are working so many hours, when do you have time to be a mom?

    If your fiance is truly disabled, he should contact a company called Allsup ( ALL they handle are disability cases, and almost everyone there is an ex-social security employee. They do ALL of the work, so he wouldn’t have to do anything other than answer a few questions over the phone. If he were granted disability, then he would have some kind of income to either contribute and relieve some of your stress, or to support himself, should you finally decide to leave. It might even make it easier for you to leave if you know that he has a means of financial support.

    What he’s doing is called emotional manipulation, and although it is extremely covert, it is still a form of domestic abuse. You have to be strong enough to see through it, and not let it color your decision. The fact is, if you’ve been “engaged” for 15 years, it’s for a reason. Someone, be it you or he, doesn’t really want to be married.

    • terriblytorn13 December 6, 2011 at 9:45 am #

      The boys are noticing more and more something isn’t right. I am suprised to find I’m more tired than I expected, so, yes my Mommy ablitys have been taken down from activites to snuggeling and reading as of late.

      No matter how he treats me he loves those boys with all of his heart. I couldn’t keep them from him they love us equaly and would be heartbroken not to see their Daddy. His family lives 2,700 miles away I think if we didn’t live together he would have to live with them. That’s why it freaks me out to think of trying to make sure they can spend time together if we sepperated.

      I did just email him the link for Allsup. If he had income it would help quite a bit the stress is driving me nuts. I really want to take the boys on a vacation and I don’t see a way right now.

      It’s me on the marrige thing, he would marry me in a heartbeat. When we fell in love we were too young to marry so we put that off for many years and then when out friends and my family started to get married I had a list I wanted to get done before we tied the not. I wanted a house , a Harley and a hot rod before we got married. Now I’m just worried that it’s the wrong thing to do. Oh and there is the abuse, he and his mother were physicaly and mentaly abused by his father so his idea of abuse doesn’t really include how he treats me.

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