Holding back tears….

24 Oct

Coming out to this trip I had planned to pour my heart out to Tom.  How I want him in my life for real.  How that feeling brings tears to my eyes often.  That I wonder about his life with his wife.  How can some one I know as very sexual be with someone who is not?  Was she ever his one and only?  Does he see himself with her forever?  I also wanted to talk about me.  How I have so much that I need to fix in my life.  That even though I love him and love being with him it distracts me from what I need to take care of.  I’m having trouble keeping myself from being depressed that I can’t be with him.  I’m constantly comparing my fiancé to Tom and he just doesn’t measure up.  I could go on and on with no good solution.  I just keep thinking I need to talk to him less, but I can’t say it.

As we drive back to town and the airport I keep looking out the window.  My eyes filling up with tears.  I don’t know how to say anything.  I keep reciting the names of my stores and their owners in my head trying to keep my mind straight and my eyes dry.  I finally can say there is something I’ve been wanting to say to you.  He looks at me with concern in his eyes, turns off the stereo.  I tell him sometimes after we’re together or after talking to him I’m sad.  How I want to be with him and I miss him.  Even though I know it’s not right for me to want what I want, I do.  That when he said to me he feels like he doesn’t have to worry that I would want us to leave our spouses to be together, I felt the urge to yell,  “I do want that”, but I know it’s not possible.  That I couldn’t expect that from him but I want it none the less. 

He told me about a girl he used to see.  She didn’t have kids but she had a boyfriend that she didn’t leave but she would run away with him for a week here and there but always go back home.  That her boyfriend would treat her bad afterwards.  Tom said he finally had to tell her he didn’t want to be with her anymore so she wouldn’t put herself through the pain any longer. 

I really didn’t get anything out about me other than my life is fucked up right now.  We kissed at the next light and he played some funny podcast from NPR.  We went back to talking effortlessly.  I asked him to stop for breakfast with me and he did.  He only ordered some fries thinking that when he got home his wife would want to eat and it would be weird if he was full.  I ate my omelet way to fast, I was nervous.  I “showered up” in the bathroom.  We left and hopped into his truck and it didn’t start.  I found someone to give us a jump and helped push the truck back into an empty parking space.  I tried not to cry on my way to the airport.  We kissed and embraced desperately before I walked inside not knowing when I’ll see him again.

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3 Responses to “Holding back tears….”

  1. sexuallifeofawife October 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    That’s heartbreaking – in so many ways…x

  2. The Hook November 3, 2011 at 8:07 am #

    You’re truly heartsick, aren’t you?

    • terriblytorn13 November 3, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

      I’m in way over my head and heart, and yeah it really hurts

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