I can only go up and then down and then up again from here…

5 Oct

 I’m on a roller coaster this year.  I was so down in the dumps.  My fiancé had surgery.  His sisters came to live with us to help.  One of them had a nervous breakdown and had to leave.  The younger one stayed and was so sweet.  My fiancé constantly complaining about my family.  Then in April a business trip. I felt like I was on top of the world.  Managing a branch, meeting new contacts, enjoying the night life.  My fiancé brining me down at every phone contact until it finally ended up he would just yell at me and call me names.  Then the last night that magical Thursday night where I found comfort in Tom’s arms.  He already had my attention by being so nice.  For more about it check out my post, I wasn’t looking but I got found…http://wp.me/p1IMS5-j

 

When I got back home my fiancé again was mean and made me sad.  I made contact with Tom and we started talking.  We were both still flush with the thrill of our night together.  When there was a chance that his friends band would play in our town we started talking about meeting.  The things he would say gave me such a rush.  I was on top of the world.  Thoughts of him filled my days and nights.  When I found out the tour wouldn’t come to the town 15 minutes away I still had to see him.  We made plans to meet outside of the tour.  The 55 day count down was exciting and all my troubles seemed to vanish as I waited for him to come to me.

 

After the trip his child came to stay with him and the contact dwindled.  When she left he was bummed and things didn’t go back to the same.  In the mean time my life had gotten away from me.  I was like a zombie just making it through on auto pilot.  I let things get worse. 

 

Everything I’d do I’d wonder how Tom would fit in.  How my fiancé just doesn’t compare to him.  How stuck I am.  Now as my count down is down to 7 days I’m scared.  I’m excited to see him but sad to know this might change everything forever.  The tears keep coming and I don’t know what to do to make things better.

 

I started this blog because I was so excited about all these new feelings that I had no one to share them with.  Now it’s just my neurotic ramblings.  I feel like I’m trying to keep my life running like I keep my car together.  Duct tape, zip ties and special fluids.  No matter what I feel better writing this stuff down.  I’m starting to wish I had more time to write and read.

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5 Responses to “I can only go up and then down and then up again from here…”

  1. Sam October 6, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    Question. Why exactly can’t your fiance work?

    • terriblytorn13 October 6, 2011 at 11:23 am #

      He had knee surgery and now is in constant pain. On top of daily headaches, stomach problems and type 2 diabetes. He has had a bad back forever for that his doctor has been giving him vicoden (pain killers) and soma (muscle relaxers) for many years. I’m no doctor but I think all the pills make it worse. He takes some for cholesterol/heart problems and an anti depressant for neuropathy. I think a change in diet and exercise would help but I can’t get him on board.

      • Sam October 6, 2011 at 11:38 am #

        You’re right about the diet change. He also probably spends a lot of time sitting. That makes things worse… You know his health problems shouldn’t be a reason for you to stay with him. If things aren’t working, its okay to end things. Don’t stay together for the kids. It seems like you are fighting a losing battle.

  2. The Hook October 9, 2011 at 11:22 am #

    Just keep processing those experiences and producing great posts, young lady!

    • terriblytorn13 October 9, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

      Thanks Hook! Your great writing inspires me to work on mine. Have a great day!!!

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