Way too much info, a long story made as short as possible…..

14 Sep

I think after all my blatherings you might be curious about how this came to be.  I feel like my problems now are due to my life of borderline dysfunction.  I know it could all be worse.  As I cry to my self thinking how could I have committed my family to this fate I think back on how I got here.

I was a wild kid, smoking and drinking by the age of 11.  I lost my virginity on a bet.  The bet wasn’t to me but to a kid who had a nice body and hair but not so much in the face.  All the boys called me a whore anyway so why not like have sex.  I told him I would do it if I got half the money and I did.  I was 12.  I ran around with the “bad” kids in the neighborhood.  Pulling runners for booze and selling and smoking weed.  By 13 I had done Acid and Shrooms for the first time.  I met boys and kissed them and the ones that got me hot I fucked. 

 My best friend at about 15 was this guy he was really tall but not good-looking.  He was very spiritual and thoughtful.  He had already gone through AA and told me that the age you start doing drugs is the age you get stuck at emotionally.  I kinda thought of him as my sage.  I really looked up to him.  Eventually he became my boyfriend.  I slept at his house one night, he lived in a room in the garage of his Moms house.  I tried to have sex with him and he wouldn’t saying he wanted it to be special that now was not the right time.  We ended up breaking up because he caught me kissing another guy.  He became a pro frisbee freestyler who owns a dental lab and takes time off to travel the world. 

My Mom tried to keep me close so I was not allowed to go with the good kids who were well off enough to go to vacation homes and sking for the weekend  so all my normal friends stopped talking to me.  I was just hanging out with the other kids who stole cars, did drugs and stayed out all night. 

By 17 I’d slept with 30 guys and kissed 100.  I kept it in my diary.  By 15 I was doing speed on occasion and Xtacy.  I think what kept me from really going off the deep end and getting stuck forever was I played tournament soft ball on a team that traveled since I was 12.  I loved the traveling and independence that came with being on the road.  I also worked at a store in the mall since I was 14.  I could party all I wanted but practice, games and work were important to me.  I had to be available to work.  Sometimes I worked when I was high but I made work a priority.  School was not a priority, it was a good place to meet up with friends and get drugs.

  I got myself kicked out of school at 16 and the continuation school I went to so I could keep my work permit is where I met my Fiance.  The first year I was there we didn’t talk much.  I had a boyfriend that was 28 and I was 16.  He was a couch hopping tweaker who hung out with the Hell’s Angels.  Thinking back he might have been older and was lying to me.  We broke up.  Then I started dating a 23-year-old cook that lived with his mother his sister sold weed at my old school.  He started to gross me out.  We broke up but not before he had me do a run for him.  I drove up to his tribes reservation and drove back with 3 pounds of weed in my 1965 Mustang.  All I got out of the deal was a Marlboro box full of weed.  So here I am, my Mom always pissed at me for running arround and doing drugs.  Dating and fucking deadbeats.  Everyone thinks I’m a fuck up, I’m skating by at work and soft ball.  My parents were sick of my shit.  

I decided I wanted to start hanging out with my future Fiance.  I lured him with weed.  We hung out often.  He worked at the same mall so we took lunch together often.  He was really close with his Mom and his 3 younger sisters.  His Dad had kicked him out of the house so he was renting a room, working and going to school.  He had no car so he was taking the bus to work and school.  I thought he has things together pretty well here.  He urged me to be better to my Mom.  He didn’t tolerate speed and was always very nice to me.  He did improve my relationship with my family.  After a year of dating his landlord kicked him out.  He slept on the couch at my Moms house for 3 months and we moved out together.  Shortly after his not paying half of the bills started to be a problem.  He kept me away from my friends.  We had a lot of fun.  We had parties all the time.  After a while we just blended together.  Our friends were the guys.  Being a hard partying chick I was one of the guys.  Concerts, camping, house partys and festivals.  We were baked all the time getting fucked up almost every night.  I got my current job about 11 years ago.  We’d party untill early in the morning I’d try to get at least 2 hours to shut my eyes before going to work.  There were nights where I would go lay down and wake up to the party still going on as I was leaving for the office.  Our best buddy was a coke dealer so we’d have piles of blow, we’d drink and get high all night.  Finally it caught up with me, the same thing over and over.  The partys were never classy we were seeing some people who were really strung out some times.  My fiancé was getting mean often.  One day I told him he needed to get it together or I was leaving.  So I left. 

 I footed the bills for about 3 months.  I lived with my dad who had also gone through a break up.  I started loosing weight.  Saving money.  Not doing blow.  Drinking a lot.  I was going to a dive bar with my step-sister often.  I had kinda a crush on one of her friends.  He was a big boy, fat even but cute.  I tried my best to get him to make a move and he didn’t.  I met a dude one day at dinner with my Dad he was the chef where we were eating.  He was a high-grade large-scale grower.  We made fast friends.  I had intended to just be friends but my dreamy ways romanticize him.  He went to a lot of concerts, was an avid hiker and camper, rode a motorcycle, lived in a beautiful area on top of a mountain, he traveled often and of course grew great weed.  After seeing him for a few weeks he invited me to Hawaii.  He said he would pay for the tickets I just needed to pitch in for the house.  Him and 2 of his buddys were going to play a frisbee golf tournament that they attend yearly.  He asked me over and over and said even if we break up he would still want me to go, so I agreed.  He turned out to be boring.  He was good at oral but had trouble keeping it up.  The friends and events he said kept him busy weren’t there.  I missed being out partying.  I started to talk to my fiancé more.  I told him I was going to Hawaii and he was mad.  He needed me to bail out our buddy the coke dealer.  I gave him the $800 to get him out of the hole.  He then has his mom book him a flight home for the holidays.  The airline went under and they didn’t have the money to buy another ticket.  I footed the bill for that too.  I think January was when I went to Hawaii.  We were broken up by then I told him I didn’t love him.  I reminded him that this was just for fun and I was trouble.  He took it hard but held up his end.  We went to Hawaii and had a good time.  He slept on the floor.  One night we got fucked up and tried to fool arround and he couldn’t get it up.  Fuck that!  He was 41 he seamed healthy but I was not in for it.  I was maybe 28 at the time. 

I got back I saw my fiancé.  We talked.  Shortly after I got a DUI.  The DUI classes brought me close to his new apartment.  He worked across a field from me.  I gave him a ride some times (he still had no car).  He told me about the big houses and fancy partys he was going to.  All these new friends and made it sound like a great time.  His new place was better than anywhere we ever lived before.  It made me miss him.  I gave him a box of chocolates for Valentines day.  I got nothing.  He berated me for seeing this other guy.  He said I broke his heart.  Even though I left because he was a dead beat druggie that was often mean to me I started to fall back into a relationship with him.  Since my friends had been pushed away long ago I didn’t have my circle to hang with.  I was lonely felt like a looser.  Even my sisters fat friend didn’t want to fool arround with me.  We went to a concert together and cried about how cute our kids would have been when we got home loaded.  Before I knew it I was staying over all the time.  Partying like crazy and finally just moving in.  Before I knew it I was knocked up and we were looking for a house to buy.  He had a job, he promised he would help and I was sold.  That was 4 1/2 years ago.  He kept his job for about 6 months after I bought the home.  Hasn’t worked since.  He started partying without me since I was pregnant then a nursing Mother I would not party.  He started being mean, un helpful and having one medical issue after another.  I should have known better I blame myself for this mess.

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5 Responses to “Way too much info, a long story made as short as possible…..”

  1. sexuallifeofawife September 15, 2011 at 1:23 am #

    Wow! You really were a wild child! Don’t forget its not all bad now though – you’ve got some really good things going on in your life – your kids, your job etc

    • dererzahlernc September 15, 2011 at 4:55 am #

      Wow, hun, thank you for sharing that tidbit of information. You were a wild child and seemed like you went through a lot. I look forward to learning more about you and reading through your other entries. Thanks for stopping by my blog so that I knew you were here.

      • terriblytorn13 September 15, 2011 at 8:18 am #

        Thank you for checking it out……This blog started as a way to release my feelings about my secret affair and has turned into like therapy for me. I hope I can share many more posts about my lover and I together but sadly I don’t know when well be together again. I still masterbate almost daily dreaming of his touch.

    • terriblytorn13 September 15, 2011 at 8:35 am #

      Thank you! I felt all this bitching about my fiance of 15 years needed some backround as to why I stayed and still do stay. I always feel like I’ve got something to hide from “normal” people. My kids are my greatest love and always come first. Though I’ve go no problem with going out having a good time and getting fucked up, I do it rarely because I need to be there for my boys. The last time I did blow was New Years when they were snuggled up at Grandma’s house. By the way Tom only drinks has never done drugs other than a bit of weed back in his teens maybe early 20’s. He knows all about me. I’ve never had some one like that like me.

  2. The Hook September 18, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    Great share! Nicely written trip down memory lane.

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