I used to feel so close….

6 Sep

When this all started Tom felt so close.  I felt so connected to him.  Sure that if he could he would be with me.  Now he feels so far away.  He still is very nice to me.  Last night when he knew I was sad he stayed up just to make sure I was OK.  I could hear in his voice he was so sleepy but he hung in there just to make me feel better.  It always makes me feel good to hear his voice.  I guess it’s finaly sinking in that I’ll be lucky to see him twice a year.  He is working on his motorcycle, digging out the trench for the wiring on his new hot tub, painting and repairing the pergola in his yard, putting together his scooter.  So many things that seem to anchor him to his home permanently.  I told him I knew what I was getting into but I was wrong.  My wandering mind kept me numb from my reality.  I don’t know if I want to keep things going with almost no chance of us seeing each other more often.  I do feel like we would be great together.  I think he believes that too.  I still love him.  It’s just not my style to be without the one I love.  Now I just need to decide how it’s gonna go.  I don’t want to loose him forever.  Do I want to wait for his call every day, check my phone 100x’s a day looking for his next message, fuck no!  Maybe if we agree to not lose track of each other.  Call each other when we miss each other.  Maybe we can hold on to something just incase one day it works.  Make sure I can see him if he comes to town with the band.  He’s my first love since my fiancé. 

Last night I finally got asked.  Not straight out though.  My fiancé was trying to make up with me after the issues from the previous two days.  He slipped into bed while I was already dozing off and started to rub his cock on my butt cheeks and rub my shoulders a bit.  I scooted away from him saying you didn’t even apologise to me.  He said you didn’t apologise to me.  I being the problem that I said I’m sorry for stooping to your level.  He admitted to being unfair and mean.  I still didn’t feel romantic it was 1:30am and I had to work.  He said, “Do you have something you want to tell me?”.  I said “I don’t want to do it. ” He asked “Is it going to ruin our relationship?”.  I got nervous he’s asking me if I’m seeing someone else.  I said, “No, I just don’t want to do it.” He left me alone talking about how we have a loveless relationship. That he is not stupid. I went to sleep and woke up kinda numb. I was running late so I bolted out the door and got busy at work. No time to think of anything other than work. It’s bad when work is the only place I can relax. Since I don’t plan on just cutting things off with my fiancé I think I need to try to make it work. I’m going to make an effort but he has to work with me or this is going to end very badly. And away we go……


3 Responses to “I used to feel so close….”

  1. Sam September 6, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    Do you think your relationship with your fiance is worth fixing? I think you need to sit down and really consider if it is. Staying together for the sake of children is not what is right. Kids aren’t stupid. They will pick up on your animosity towards him.

    Good luck girl. I know we don’t know each other, but I’m just an email away.

  2. terriblytorn13 September 7, 2011 at 1:27 pm #

    Thank you! I really appreciate your insights and concerns. I need to do some soul searching and see what is best for my family.

  3. lostinthearmsofdestiny September 8, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    Favorite line “My wandering mind kept me numb from my reality.”

    I’m Marie. Check out and follow my blog.

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