Oh so torn….

25 Aug

Yesterday was pretty nice.  My fiancé did some cleaning, cooked dinner and worked on our cruisers.  For the most part he was nice!  I didn’t get to talk to my love.  We exchanged a few texts that he would call me in the morning while I was at work.  I was so happy to hear his voice.  He told me all about the gifts he got for his kid who is leaving today.  We talked about his plans for the next few days and how we are looking forward to speaking more regularly and not while I’m at the office.  Tom brought up how much he missed going out to eat with me, holding my hand and just being together.  Oh and he said he misses the sex too.  We talked about trying to get together as soon as possible still not knowing when it would be.  It’s weird how it gets me choked up when I think of how hard it is to spend time with him.  I’m getting misty now just thinking about it.  I used to tease him saying “What did you do to me?”. He can get me wet just saying a few words, he can make me well up with tears just by being so sweet I feel sometimes like he’s put a spell on me.  The desire to be with him is strong in me.  I wonder how long it will last.

Now just a few minutes ago I got off the phone with my fiancé.  He was super sweet.  When he is nice like this it really makes the guilt sting.  He told me how he felt sick in the morning and was in pain.  How at about 11am he was able to get out of bed and get the kids out of the house.  He went on how the new medicine gives him headaches and the pain in his legs is worse.  He admitted he got nothing done around the house again.  This time he said he was sorry.  That he wanted to do more.  He usually won’t say that.  He called to hear my pretty voice and see if I liked his choice for dinner tonight.  He went on about how lonely he gets with no help.  When he says no help he refers to my parents.  That they don’t come over and play with the kids.  How he has very little adult interaction.  I did the opposite of what he has done to me over the years and pushed him to hang out with friends.  That he can’t be the only stay at home parent that needs some adult conversation.  At the end of the call he thanked me for the conversation.  Weird right?  Sad too.  Boy I’m a fucking bitch.  He can be sweet but it’s just so few and far between now it’s hard to believe that things will get better consistently.  Just another reason why I keep hanging in there.

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