Rambeling about last week…..

23 Aug

I’ve been busy this last week.  For my Birthday night we went to the local market and listened to a band.  I was on edge because I’m never sure how my fiancé will act.  He stayed on his best behavior and we had fun dancing around to the band.  Went out for dinner with my family.  Very plain evening.  I think after the cake was eaten and the kids were in bed he yelled at me a bit more.  Tom sent me sweet messages.  Still we could not talk.  I was happy to go to a golf tournament on Friday.  It was for charity so it was just best ball and booze.  It was nice not to work, be out side and drink.  I got home just in time to put the kids to bed.  After my I finished my work I drifted off to sleep with the sound of my fiancé again bitching at me.  I can’t even remember what his problem was it’s so hard to keep track of.  Since I finally had the day off the next morning I asked him to get up with the kids.  He wouldn’t so I handled cooking breakfast and was happy not to have a hung over.  We went to a ball game that night.  It was actually fun other than the amount of money he spent on souvenirs and ballpark beer and food.  Saturday I ran some errands while my fiancé fucked off.  We spent the afternoon swimming and barbecuing.  It was a nice day.  All of those days were nice days but I still feel depressed.  Hopeless.  I am having trouble getting my act together.  I still day-dream about living with Tom.  I miss him so.  I keep wishing my fiancé would disappear.  At the ball game I kept hoping a line drive would take him out.  How bad am I to think such things.  I just can’t imagine how it would work if we separated.  Kids going two places, splitting holidays.  I think he would have to move across the country and live with his family since he has no skills, no job, no income.  How weird would it be.  I was talking with my friend and she was asking what will I do.  I let her know that I’ve been thinking he has till both the kids are in grade school.  At that point I could afford child care for the 3 hours after school.  She asked have you told him yet.  I know I need to let him know but he is so mean.  I feel like he doesn’t value me at all.  I think talking about it would just make life with him harder and push him out sooner.  Maybe that is what I need to do.  No matter what I need to suck it up and take care of business.  I’ll find a way to work out this other shit later.

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