Caught in the middle…….

10 Aug

It’s beyond just sex.  He still turns me on so much but I want him in my life every day.  I keep thinking when we are not in touch that I need to cut things off.  I need to say to him let’s not talk as often.  You live your life I’ll live mine, untill it implodes, then I’ll come looking for you.  Maybe then you can come to me.  This weirdness in the middle is too much for me to take.  I’m tearing up now as I write this.  I tear up all day as I think about how much I would like to live a different life.  So I think over and over we can be friends call each other when we miss each other but then I get him on the phone.  Last night we got to talk.  He said how much he missed me, talked about his vacation and what he’s working on around the house.  I caught him up on my work and how things are going for me.  We barely talked about sex.  We talked about meeting up again.  I keep wanting to tell him that maybe this is too much for me.  It would be so much easier if it was just sex.  Don’t get me wrong I got off thinking about him twice this morning.  As we were getting off the phone last night we were talking about how much we enjoyed each other, but I want more.  How can I tell him without freaking him out.  Who needs a possessive lover 700 miles away.  I wish I could find the right words, the right time maybe I could tell him. 

On the home front my fiancé is still as lazy as ever.  He is depressed, he is begging for my attention but is often, short with me, rude and demeaning.  Have you ever been with some one that complains every day when they wake up.  It’s killing me!  He calls me to ask what to do with the kids every other day.  He calls me to ask what to make for dinner every other day.  His job is to stay home and take care of the kids and house.  Why is this so hard?  I wish I could be a home maker.  Don’t get me wrong I like my work, I’ve always liked working but now I just want to show him there is a better way.  I’m so ready to call Tom and say hey just drop everything and come be a student and live with me.  He is close to getting a degree but he works full-time so it’s taking longer than if he could just concentrate on his studys.  I’m dragging along someone who makes more of a mess than progress in my home.  Why not just put the kids in pre-school and then they would have activities and interaction all day.  My house would not get messed up all day long for me to come home and try to clean.  I need to do it myself.  If it is to be it is up to me, right?

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