Gambling girl…..

8 Aug

Oh the weekend.  I used to love you.  Now you make me anxious and tired.  This weekend I had fun.  I got shit done.  We went over to my Mom’s and swam till about 11 at night.  The boys had a blast!  I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more, I think I cooked in there too.  We went to the park and ran around.  We went to a festival of Mustaches and Bicycles.  As my fiancé sat around while I was working away or was a poop at the festival that was smaller than we had anticipated I kept thinking would it be more fun with Tom.  My fiancé would try to kiss me or grab my tit or ass and I just couldn’t be receptive.  I wish he would just disappear some times.  While I’m digging in my back yard trying to prep to grow some grass he’s standing around smoking.  He did cut some tree into pieces but cleaned nothing and was bothered to watch the kids while I worked.  We did go on a bike ride together than was nice. 


I kept thinking could I mountain bike with Tom?  Oh my love, he had been out of touch for so long.  I was writing texts to myself with no response.  What a lonely place to be living with some one that you’re falling out of love with and be out of touch with the one you do love.  Doubt keeps sliding in, wondering if we would really be good together.  If my fiancé left, if we broke up would he want to be the one for me for real?  I try not to think about that.  I try to keep the issues separate.  If I get left by my fiancé for what I’m doing I’m not going to expect Tom to come and jump right into my life.  I want it to be that way. It’s so fucking hard to keep my mind straight.  I wonder what would happen if his wife was to find out.  Would she just forgive him?  Would she leave?  Should I ask him what he thinks?  When we started talking very little was off-limits.  I didn’t care what he thought of me if he stopped talking to me who cares.  He was cool but if he wasn’t cool with me whatever, right?  Now I’m hooked, I can’t stop thinking about him.  If he decided not to talk to me I’d be questioning myself.  I guess there is just so much more at stake now that I love him so.  I wonder if he’s just using me for sexual encounters that are low risk (expensive though).  I don’t think it’s the case but when you can’t see someone when you talk to them do you really know if they are telling the truth?  We’re talking about meeting up again but this time in a gambling city.  Well I guess I’m a gambling girl.  I’m almost all in here and I’m gonna stay on for the ride.  I hope I win big.  It’s gonna hurt like fuck if I bust.

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2 Responses to “Gambling girl…..”

  1. mzklever December 6, 2011 at 3:22 am #

    Love and great sex are not equivalent. Love is about being there, supporting each other, dealing with the daily crap of lfe together, and making it better for each other. What you’re feeling is lust, which causes the same brain chemical reaction that using crack does. Lust is addictive, and affects dopamine levels, which gives you that goofy, floaty feeling.

    • terriblytorn13 December 6, 2011 at 9:19 am #

      Oh my yes, I was so high on lust. Those first three months or so were crazy. I’m sure it still is there but it’s not as consuming as it was. We’ve talked almost every day for about six months and the other two months maybe every third day or so. We talk about everything, not just sex.

      I know I love him and I believe he loves me. Is it husband love? Maybe not, maybe we’ll just be friends and nothing more. If we were ever to live as husband and wife, I believe he would support me and be a good partner to deal with life’s bullshit but it’s something I’ll probably never get to find out.

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